My husband is torn between me and his mistress. How to save a family? My husband is rushing between me and my mistress My husband is rushing between his family and his mistress

Question to a psychologist

Asked by: Anastasia

Hello. I am 29 years old. My husband too. We have been married for 7 years, unofficially, and 5 years, officially. We have two children - 4 years old and 1 year old. My husband works in the vehicle maintenance industry. At first they worked, then they started earning money. My first son was born, I went on maternity leave. The husband began to earn good money, got into a large company, and began moving up the career ladder. And I'm at home with my son. I am a good housewife, many people praise me. At first we didn't quarrel very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work. At first I tried to fight this, then when I realized that quarrels arise only because of this, I stopped resisting. Three years later, a second son was born. Without leaving the first maternity leave, I went on the second. I understand that my husband was no longer interested in me. There is nothing to talk to me about except news about children. Although, I am always interested in his affairs. I blame myself for the fact that these 4 years of maternity leave have degraded me as a person. Outwardly, I have not changed and am completely back in shape. He loves children very much, but spends literally half an hour with them for 4-5 days when he comes home to change clothes. And so, literally six months ago, my husband began to leave for a day, then two. He explained this either by being busy at work or leaving home for several days after the slightest quarrel. 2 months ago I found out that he was in an affair. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they love nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It’s scary to think, but I assume that besides weed, there is something more serious there. I started a small business in addition to my main job. Spinning like a squirrel in a wheel. I think that he does not spend all his time with his mistress. According to the facts, he is really torn between work, business, family and mistress. When he comes home, he always brings a lot of food for me and the children. It seems to me that he is trying to make amends for his guilt. We don't need money either. He can't look me in the eyes. But I can’t understand whether it’s a feeling of guilt or just hostility. I don’t create scandals, I think that by doing this I will push him away even more. But it is very difficult to greet with a smile a husband who comes 5 days later from another woman. I've lost a lot of weight. Seeing what happened to me due to nervousness, he feels sorry for me. He says: “What a fool I am, what did I do to you.” But still nothing changes. I worry a lot, I love him madly, I’m ready to forgive, but he asks me to wait. The only thing he did after that. when the fact of betrayal was revealed - he simply agreed with all the facts that I presented to him. I don’t know if he feels guilty, but he’s not going to blame himself, he constantly avoids the conversation. Although I am sure this cannot continue. He must make a decision.

Answers from psychologists

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna

Psychologist Moscow

Hello, Anastasia! let's look at what's going on:

At first we didn't quarrel very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work.

and this is the beginning of alcoholism! It’s worth thinking about it - the person is prone to addiction, immature (after all, KNOWING that he has a family, children, he still drinks! This means he cannot make a choice, make a decision!)

2 months ago I found out that he was in an affair. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they love nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It’s scary to think, but I assume that besides weed, there is something more serious there.

this is a continuation of his frailty and immaturity - he shows his generally irresponsible position! and for you yourself it is worth noting that IT IS NORMAL FOR HIM to change and choose such a lifestyle! think - what kind of HIM DO YOU LOVE - the way he REALLY is? or the way you would like him to be???

Maybe! because now YOU - KNOWING that he is cheating, that all this continues - ACCEPTED all this - stayed with him, accept him back, show that you are ready to accept this too! and seeing his elections, seeing his behavior - it will be NORMAL for him not to make a decision - but why? the wife KNOWS and accepts! A relationship with your mistress WITHOUT responsibility and obligations is very convenient! and if he is immature and irresponsible, then he will NOT resolve the situation, but will wait until THEY DO IT FOR HIM - either YOU will break off the relationship or continue to torment yourself or your mistress will end the relationship! YOU need NOT wait for a decision FROM HIM - but make a decision YOURSELF - DO YOU ACCEPT CHANGE??? if NO, then the solution is not to wait until he understands it, but to resolve the situation yourself - to show it to both him and yourself! and while you are in a relationship with him, he has no motivation to change anything! The decision is still YOURS to make!

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna

Psychologist Moscow

At this time, this psychologist does not answer questions from site visitors. You can ask questions to other psychologists

Anastasia,

Finding out that your beloved husband has another woman is a serious test. And when you meet him, you can behave in different ways. But most women, unfortunately, behave in a stereotypical way: they expose, present and demand from the man to decide who he is with.

We know where this path leads. To scandals, promises that will not be fulfilled and to an obvious break when spouses separate, or hidden when he remains in the family, but there is no longer an atmosphere of trust and community in it. And he lives forever feeling guilty. And she gets stuck in the role of victim and accuser at the same time.

Do you really want to go down this path? At least now you have started moving in this direction.

First of all, you placed responsibility for the decision on your husband. You ask him to decide. But, think about it, if he had decided to leave you already, he would have left. And here he is rushing about, and between what and what, let’s try to understand.

It seems that between family, beloved wife, children and vivid sexual impressions, supported by alcohol and possibly drugs.

He got carried away because he got married early, because he is young, because he is emotional, because he needs drive and because he is a man...

And it’s difficult for him now. He is trying to make a difficult but right decision. And this is his business, his work, his life test.

What about you? You need to decide whether you need it. Are you ready to fight for your family, for your love.

If you are ready, then instead of “madly” loving him, you need to learn to love smartly, behave wisely and like an adult woman.

Think about it, you need to demand to choose between you and your mistress. Maybe you should start to change and change your relationship with your husband in a favorable direction. This is not just one day's work, but daily work.

Being a mother and a loving, beloved woman are not the same thing. You have focused on being a mother, but have forgotten about being a loving and loved woman.

Consider starting individual work with a psychologist (possibly on Skype) towards discovering and developing your feminine potential. You can contact me.

All the best,

Sincerely

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna, psychologist Moscow

06.11.2013 | 1399

www.all-psy.com

My husband rushes between me and his mistress

I am 36 years old, my husband is 39, we lived for 17 years and never even argued. We have two children, 13 and 11 years old. We live in a village, there is no work here, I don’t work, and my husband works in the city. A year and a half ago, my husband had a woman in the city for a year, I didn’t know anything, then I accidentally found out and he confessed everything. We talked, discussed everything, he said that he loves me and he doesn’t want to leave the children.

The next day I called this woman and said that he was staying in the family and asked for my forgiveness, I forgave him. He is a very good father and loves his children, and I also thought about the children first of all. A few days later he went on a business trip, he called and talked as much as he could. nothing happened. At the end of the business trip, he visited her again, he knew that I knew about it, he stayed there for 2 days, then he came home.

Again he asked for forgiveness, swore his love, said that he couldn’t stay there for more than two days. I don’t want to destroy the family, so I forgive everything. Moreover, I don’t hold him, I say if you leave, leave forever, but he himself doesn’t want to leave. This has been going on for half a year for me Of course, I just don’t have the strength anymore, the most important thing is that trust has left the family, I think that’s the most important thing.

A month ago he made up his mind and left, said that it was forever, but after 8 days he returned, he said that he couldn’t live without us, that he loved him, asked for forgiveness, begged, said that he wanted to start all over again. I don’t know how to be, having been deceived so many times, you can say betrayed. He says that more He won’t date that woman. I kind of want to save the family and I can’t trust him anymore.

I’m at home, he’s on a business trip, how do I know, maybe he’s calling her, maybe he’s negotiating something. All these thoughts and mistrust gnaw at me every day. I don’t know how to behave with him, he pretends that everything is fine, because for all the time he’s been unfaithful in his sexual life Nothing has changed with us, one might say it has become even better. The feeling of resentment was replaced by distrust and the expectation that he would leave me.

By nature I am an optimist and am used to analyzing everything before making a decision. But now I don’t know what to do, how to behave, how to regain trust. Please help me with advice. I would like advice from a psychologist. My husband is rushing between me and his mistress and doesn’t know who to choose, he says I love both. All this time I have been fighting to save my family, but I simply don’t have the strength anymore.

feedest.ru

Is your husband rushing between you and your mistress? What should I do?

Your husband is rushing between you and his mistress, how to get out of the love triangle as a winner? Read the answer!

Greetings. Victoria Vlasova is with you. I help women get their loved ones back, save relationships if they are on the verge of breaking up. And I know exactly how you can improve your personal life using my author’s technique.

I will reveal the topic of today’s article using the example of Polina’s story. She wrote to me by email.

Polina writes:

Hello Victoria! I'm going through a difficult period in my life. The husband left for someone else without explaining himself, vilely, secretly. We've been married for almost 20 years. This situation has been going on for four years now.

He doesn’t want to get a divorce, rushes about, avoids conversation. I see it’s difficult for him, but he doesn’t want to put an end to anyone either. When I decide to put an end to it myself, he appears again and gives some hope for the family, and again everything goes in a circle.

I’m tired, I’ve lost my health, I have a terrible long-term depression... Of course, I would like to save my family, we lived well, but I’m tired, I have no health, life is a burden. Adult children, their own families, their own worries, I was left alone. I don’t know what to do, what to do, how to live, but I understand that this shouldn’t continue...

What to do if your husband rushes between you and his mistress

Polina, I understand you. That it’s hard and offensive for you. From practice, I noticed that some men are in no hurry to put a period, but leave a comma. Now let's think about why?

The man lived a long time with his wife. He studied her, knows all her strengths and weaknesses. Can easily predict her behavior and mood. And he left for someone else because something didn’t suit him in the marriage.

So, on one side of the scale, the book you read is your wife, and on the other, a mysterious stranger.

A man is afraid to completely break off relations with his wife, because if things don’t work out with his mistress, he can always go back. And he knows that his wife will accept and forgive him. Such a vicious circle can last for years...

In this situation, the man wins. Because he sits on two chairs. And he sits because women who are afraid of losing and tolerate it peacefully allow him.

Your actions

If the wife wants to bring her husband back. It must stop being convenient and always at hand. This is easy to say, but difficult to do on your own.

To make it work you need:

Remove the fear of losing a man. Because you cannot do anything if you are under the influence of fear. Stabilize your internal state.
Raise your value and importance.
Take control of the current situation into your own hands. Communicate when it’s convenient for you, and not when the man feels like it.

Girls, I tell you in detail how to do all this in my training “How to get your loved one back using magic SMS.” Since there are 5 hours of material and various nuances, I, as you understand, cannot tell in one article. That's why I recorded the training for you.

You can register here...

Registration for training

Apply the technique and improve your personal life. The training is online and you can take it from anywhere in the world and whenever it suits you.

I repeat - it is very difficult to get out of this vicious circle on your own. I am ready to help you if you allow me. Using my technique, hundreds of women have successfully improved their personal lives. You can do this too.

Review

For example, my student Margarita brought her husband back to the family using the strategy from the training.

Just like you, she doubted, didn’t believe, was afraid, but she really wanted to be with her beloved man. And she took a risk and didn’t regret it for a second. Step by step their relationship was restored. I won't say it's an easy process. Not at all. But there are chances.

Girls, if you want to make peace with your partner. I invite you to my training. Together we will move towards your goal. You will have a step-by-step strategy and support and answers to all your questions.

You have a much better chance of getting everything right when you understand how to position yourself, what to write and say. Rather than leave everything as is, or act at random.

Registration for training

If you have any questions, ask in the comments.

And I will give you a few more examples of the successful return of men:

If you want me to delve into your unique situation and help you figure it out. I answered your questions, sign up for a consultation with me!

viktoria-vlasova.ru

DEDICATED TO ALL WIVES AND LOVERS!!!

The love triangle itself is contrary to the happiness of three people. When feelings cool down in a family, a mistress appears. I never judge mistresses. Alas, feeling does not choose either free men or free women. Each of us can be a wife today, and tomorrow a mistress, and vice versa. At first, the mistress is satisfied with the state of affairs when she is in the background, and then the euphoria passes and the woman feels used. There is a feeling that you are simply being used as an alternate airfield and being pushed back to the third, fourth, fifth plan. A mistress keeps someone else's husband in good shape and introduces an element of intrigue into the relationship. But now the man’s sexual need is satisfied, and he stops being angry with his wife. In addition, the spouse feels guilty towards the other half, forgives her for any actions and tries to do something nice. For example, he starts giving gifts. We like to condemn women who agreed to become mistresses. They say they are breaking up the family. In fact, “homewreckers” themselves are most often captured by their own illusions. There are no ideal marriages. An exemplary family man one day falls in love and begins to build relationships on the side. And this is not banal adultery. It is possible that the man still loves his wife and is simply trying to get what he lacks within the framework of marriage. Most often this is passion and sex with a feeling of novelty, that is, sexual needs that have become dull and do not provide satisfaction in the family. Over the years, the couple's sex life becomes boring, unexciting and even insipid. Many people are least interested in the intimate sphere. One of the partners still feels young and full of energy, and is not satisfied with a sluggish life. This is how a lover or mistress appears in a couple. Parallel relationships arise when emptiness and inferiority are acutely felt. A man still wants to feel attractive, needed, loved. He is the first to feel the lack of emotional warmth. Perhaps, at first, a married man and his mistress are connected simply by good sex, but it may also happen that they become truly attached to each other. Even if this is not just passion, but true love, a rare representative of the stronger sex is capable of sharp make a choice between a habit and a new relationship. He is tormented by a feeling of guilt before his lawful half and rushes between his wife and his beloved. The situation “husband, wife and mistress” can last for years. Often everyone suffers. The wife who gave her best years to her husband is suffering. The lover who has been living with hope and dreams for years suffers. A man suffers who does not want to lose either one or the other. Either a break occurs or a family of higher quality is created. If there is no development in the triangle, two people simply meet and do not take concrete steps towards each other, you need to run away from such a relationship. This will drag on for many years, and one day the mistress will come to the realization that a married man is a waste of her years. Anyone who really wants to change their life will not delay, but will take a decisive step within a year. Therefore, to avoid excruciating pain, it is better to consider a married lover as a temporary hobby until there is no more worthy candidate. There are many cases when a man leaves his family, creates a new one, and after a while becomes the lover of his ex-wife. He begins to go to his former family, supposedly to help, because now the former household members are left alone. They are not strangers to him, he cannot refuse them. And one day he will say: “I can’t.” Pulls me there... - You can’t, so come back. - Understand, you are better than her, - the man will begin to make excuses. - Life with you is like living at a luxury resort. And from any resort you always want to return home. A man will pack his things and return to the family he left behind. And there are also options when, after returning, he again begins to rush between two women. The stronger sex is afraid of change. Men are held back by many everyday habits. For men, the word “love” is most often associated with sex, but not with life together. For them, marriage is a familiar way of life. A man can convince his mistress for years that he will leave for her forever, and even begins to believe it himself, but subconsciously looks for a reason to postpone this decision indefinitely. Men are terrible owners. Even having created a new family, many of them will not tolerate their ex-wife’s personal life. Seeing a stranger in their apartment who communicates like a father with someone else’s daughter or son, and behaves as if this is his territory, many immediately become furious. Often, the news of his ex-wife’s new chosen one stimulates a man to a new wave of feelings, and he does everything possible to return to his native land. The possessive instinct can push him into the arms of his ex-wife. The main reason for the love triangle is stagnation in the couple’s relationship. There is no movement - and there is no development, and what does not move - as we know, dies. This also applies to the sexual sphere. Over the years, people stop wanting each other. In this situation, it is important to add firewood in time so that the slightly smoldering fire does not go out completely, leaving two people in the ashes of their former love. I always like the words of my beloved Coco Chanel: “To be irreplaceable, you must always change.” Therefore, in any family there must be a dynamic relationship that both partners must work on. Only then will the union of two be strong and reliable. Many women, after getting married, calm down. They believe that the man is already in the stall and is not going anywhere. When the relationship has gone completely wrong, the mistress is simply a reason to leave the family. Otherwise, the power is on the wife’s side, because she is more familiar and familiar. Cheating can destroy a family, or it can strengthen it. A man sometimes understands that there is no better woman than his own wife. It is important that girls who enter into relationships with married men understand: a man starts an affair not because he has stopped loving his wife. It is not always so. With his eternal promises to divorce, he drives his new lover into a trap, deprives her of tomorrow and does everything possible to tie her to himself as tightly as possible. Taking someone else's husband away from the family is not the greatest happiness. There is no guarantee that someone will not steal it from you. After you get together and start living together, the man will still look for a better life. I never moralize and do not want to judge women who have lovers and men who have mistresses. That's life. We are all trying to find someone to make us happy and build a relationship based on love, intimacy and respect. Don't despair and wait for your happiness! Don't waste your time on frivolous affairs. Whoever you are - a wife or a mistress, let's understand and forgive each other. And now some advice for wives and mistresses, because I am for women's solidarity.1. Love your man not for his words, but for his actions. Words are nothing. Actions are everything.2. If you want to live with this man, think about which life is better: with him or without him.3. Never look for excuses for those male actions that cannot be justified.4. Love yourself more than him, then any pain that HE inflicts on you will not be able to unsettle you and seriously hurt you.5. Remember that you are an INDIVIDUALS, do not become dependent and do not give all of yourself without reserve.6. I don't believe in misalliances. Tested for myself. A man should be your equal. Alas, life shows that misalliances are not viable.7. Know: you can always influence your circumstances. Don't become a pawn for manipulation. Whatever your status - wife or mistress, you should always be active and strong.8. No matter how fate hits you, raise your head and straighten your shoulders. You are the most charming and attractive. Don't even dare doubt it. If your husband has left for someone else, silently sympathize with that woman, because it is still unknown who was lucky. Now your ex-husband is her problem and headache. You have freedom ahead of you. Take a deep breath and remember that you have the right to ONE MORE LOVE. If your man decides to stay in his previous family, sincerely wish him happiness and be glad that everything was resolved so successfully, because the status of an eternal lover is not for you. Enough of sitting on the bench, it's time to move into the first team. Just to boost your self-esteem, which your married man so skillfully destroyed. Now you need to go in search of YOUR man. Stop using someone else's. Let's fight for the purity of relationships. It’s such happiness to be a man’s only one. I admit honestly, I was both a wife and a mistress... It all depends on the person who is nearby. One made me the happiest wife, the other - the most unhappy wife... I was able to take someone else’s husband away from the family, but soon I realized: he is not at all the one I need. I just took someone else’s, but never managed to feel it as my own... Years later, I came to the conclusion that marriage is one of the games of society. I don't play these games yet. It is very difficult for me to exist within the framework of marriage. If a woman respects herself and loves - no matter what her status is - a wife or a mistress, she will not allow herself to humiliate herself in front of a man, to be dependent on him. The main thing is not to convince yourself that without a man, life loses its meaning. We ourselves have the right to choose with whom and when to be. Let the stronger sex adapt to us. I don’t want to pit wives against mistresses and judge who is better and who is worse. Both need to learn to love and understand their men. My happiness is my freedom. I took too long to achieve this and paid too high a price. I am free from stereotypes, templates, critical views, prejudices and other people's opinions. I am happy because I can remain myself and preserve my Self. Happiness and freedom in my understanding are harmonious parts of a single whole. This is the state of my soul and the state of my spirit. I am the creator of my own happiness. Everything depends only on me, on my view and attitude towards myself. I am happy that I live, I can see and share feelings with others. I am happy that my loved ones are alive and well. I’m happy that I can see the leaves fall, and in winter I can catch soft and fluffy snow in my palms, grab snowflakes with my mouth like in childhood. I am happy when a new day begins and the bright sun shines outside. I am happy because I am free to do whatever I want. And also because I have found harmony with myself, I can realize my abilities and enjoy every given moment. HAPPINESS needs to be SEEN and FEELED. So much beauty around!

www.inpearls.ru

My husband took a mistress and is now rushing between her and his family

Hello Tatiana! Look at the situation through the eyes of your Husband! What will you see? if, literally in 2 words, then he confessed to you his “weaknesses or strengths” when he talked about his relationship, Sex for men is pure physiology! And what they call is a memory and just communication on general topics! It’s possible that he himself informed her that he told you everything! Instead of understanding him, understanding this situation, supporting him morally and forgiving him! (and this is exactly what he expected from you when he told you everything, because he was tormented by a definite feeling of guilt), so to speak, internal tension that gave no rest! He received a mountain of reproaches and scandals, and naturally regretted 1000 times that he told you everything!

It’s very good that you understand that you constantly remind him of her! it really means a lot!

He can’t forget her, because he felt less uncomfortable there than with you, that’s how our Brain works! If you want to return him, return trust, understanding and forgiveness! For Men: you really have to overcome yourself to admit something like this! And why did he decide to leave: in her face he sees a friend, a like-minded person, and in your face Who are you for him?

If you want to get your husband back, then just start communicating with him. show that you are no longer interested in this topic, that you completely trust him, stop controlling him. Become his support, inspire him to conquer heights, diversify your relationship by going to themed parties (theater, movie tour, whatever you like). Let him feel like a Man (with a capital letter), Tell him that this whole situation was given to you in order to rethink our relationship! And start building relationships again!

And there is one more reason for that. why did he decide to get a divorce, he sees how you suffer! And it hurts him to see it! The natural instinct is to run away, hide, get a divorce! This is a natural process, most likely in his head, and he won’t build anything with you if he divorces you! Stay Alone!

In principle, I gave a detailed answer to all your questions! so watch and act! God endowed the man with strength and the woman with Wisdom!

Chernikov Dmitry Vladimirovich, psychologist Saratov

www.all-psy.com

My husband is torn between me and his mistress

“My husband left for his mistress, but lives with me!” Many women find themselves in such slightly schizophrenic situations. Some of them write to me. Over the past two months, I have received several letters from my readers, where the situation is like a carbon copy.

Once upon a time they lived, did not grieve, raised children (they were still small), and suddenly - a bolt from the blue. The husband left for his mistress.

But he left strangely. He announced that he was leaving, even moved some of his things, but he still lives at home. He takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, and tries to give gifts.

And it is not defined in any way. What to do here, how to be here?

Well, I’ll share my idea based on experience and observations. I’ll say right away that you can get your husband back, but it requires enormous effort. So colossal that I seriously doubt their feasibility.

What's happening?

In all situations (those that were sent to me by mail, or those that I observed myself) there was one thing in common - small children. Usually up to five years. Most often - no more than three. And this is not without reason. There is a high probability that, immersed in caring for the child, both spouses became good parents, but ceased to be spouses. This is a common situation - no one is immune from this.

When spouses cease to be spouses, they begin to look for partners on the side. A woman with a small child is less likely to do this - she has her mouth full of troubles with the baby. Men have more opportunities here - work, active travel around the city, the opportunity to stay longer... All this creates conditions for the appearance of a new woman in life.

This happens to many men - they find themselves a new wife.

It is important to note - specifically the spouse. From her he receives what he lacks in his current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to him as a man, and not as the father of a child. On the other hand, he gives what is not accepted in a current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to his wife as a woman, and not as the mother of his child.

In other words, the man remains a father (he takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, tries to give gifts), but ceases to be a spouse. And his wife for him is the mother of his children, but not his wife. Hence the desire to find a new wife. For many, this desire is embodied in a new relationship on the side.

Such a relationship rarely benefits a marriage - we would like to especially note this. In the rush of “I’m not going there and I’m not staying here,” the man drives his wife to white heat. It is unbearably difficult for her to live in a situation of uncertainty.

In my mind, of course, you shouldn’t start an affair at all - you already have a wife, she now urgently needs you and your help and support. The period when she is fixated on the child will pass, and the marital roles will return to you again. So be patient, take care of your beloved woman, don’t hurt her.

In the end, be a man - say directly that you miss her as a wife and quickly organize the opportunity to be spouses (give the child to your grandmother or go to sleep yourself and let your wife rest, or think of something else). Everything can be improved without “turning” to your mistress.

Alas, not everyone is so reasonable.

What to do next?

Depends on the woman’s goal and individual reaction to betrayal. If betrayal causes any noticeable pain, then the approach proposed below is not at all for you. Here it is better to have a direct conversation (with the risk of divorce in the end). You can start like this: “You and I have started to have some kind of tough relationship in our relationship. I forgot that you are my beloved man, and you went to some woman. Do you remember that we once planned everything differently? Let's try to get out of here and start something different.

I apologize for using you as a transport for diapers, and you for not talking to me about it, but immediately went looking for something on the side.”

Of course, this does not guarantee that the situation will improve (and certainly does not guarantee that the pain will subside), but there is a chance. The main thing is for the husband to understand that he hurt his woman and this, to put it mildly, is bad. When it comes, the chances of recovery will increase.

But it may even come to a divorce, here it will take you out of the blue.

But if you are not hurt by betrayal (if such a thing can even happen), then you can go the other way.

In the situations described, a man lives in a state where he is terrorized from both sides - they demand to make up his mind and make a decision. On the one hand, he is being hammered by his wife, on the other hand, he is being pestered by his mistress, who demands that he finally get a divorce, as long as he can put it off (though, I don’t feel sorry for the man at all - it couldn’t have been any other way, he should have thought before ). The way out is for the wife to become the party that doesn't demand anything.

It’s important to emphasize here, otherwise not everyone will see it. This is not about indulging a man, like, honey, how great it is that you have a mistress. This is not about “keeping face” and pretending that nothing is happening. No no and one more time no.

I'm talking about no requirements. Well, you know how it happens: “Decide - either me or her!”, “How long can all this continue!” and so on. Such requirements should absolutely not exist. That is, in general. And then it might work.

This is a common paradox of family life - the more one person presses, the further the second moves away. If they press on both sides, a person is more likely to move to the one where they do not press.

Well, he may also choose the third option - to run away altogether, but this rarely happens.

At the same time, again, please read carefully! - the absence of demands does not mean that the cheater’s wife smiles sweetly at him. Not at all. The sincere expression of one’s feelings is just very useful and is strongly encouraged. Simply put, if you want to cry, cry. And let the husband see.

Yes, you don’t need to demand a decision from him, but you don’t need to hide your feelings either. Sincerity is often useful and here is exactly such a case.

True, here again we need to raise a serious question - does the wife have enough mental strength to live in all this? An affair on the side usually lasts about a year and not everyone has the strength to survive all this without a divorce.

And perhaps that’s right. The concepts “You have to live with the child’s father”, “If a man leaves (or doesn’t come) - it’s your fault” or “A woman should be wiser and endure”, or “this is a woman’s lot” are completely stupid. They impose strange demands on a woman, which, in principle, are completely unrealistic. And when a woman predictably fails to cope, she is completely smeared.

So think for yourself, decide for yourself - in which direction to move, and what to do when your husband is torn between you and his mistress.

Tags: Treason,

Did you like the post? Support the Psychology Today magazine by clicking: Did you like the post? Support the magazine "Psychology Today", click:

psychologytoday.ru

What does a man do when he finds himself in a situation between two fires: choose a mistress or a wife?

Between two fires: choose a mistress or a wife?

Women regularly come to me asking for help - they need to “discourage” their husband’s mistress and return him to the family. Or, in other words, how to make my husband decide to choose me.

And I tell everyone who applies the same thing - the psychologist is powerless here. Because a person (in this case, the husband) cannot solve anything in such situations. He just can’t physically.

Let me explain it in my fingers.

In human life there is such a phenomenon as the systems in which we are included. For example, a member of a work team, a resident of a building, a member of a theater studio, a son, a grandson, a friend, a matchmaker, a godfather, a brother, and so on.

A person belongs to these systems with varying degrees of attachment. And – what’s important! – the more attractive the system is for him, the more attached he is to it, the more the system attracts him.

Moreover, the attractiveness may not be very bright - say, it may be a childhood memory (from the first grade together, at the same desk) and nothing more. But even such a memory may be enough to make the system attractive enough to become attached to it.

I talked in more detail about the systems themselves in the article “How to unravel in your life,” but here we’ll simply state that a person lives in such systems and these systems differ in the degree of attractiveness.

As long as we live in a situation where different systems have different degrees of attractiveness, everything is fine - priorities are set, goals are subordinated, first the first, then the second, and finally the third.

The problems start where both systems become equally attractive.

For example, a mistress. She is younger than her wife, not overwhelmed by children and everyday life, always happy and available in a sexual sense. The "mistress" system is certainly attractive.

But the wife - she had a long (and in some places very good) history of relationships, children together, an established life, a fair amount of familiarity. The “wife” system is attractive in a different way, but no less.

This is where this crazy swing begins, when a man decides, that’s it, I’ll go to my mistress, crosses the threshold, leaving behind his crying wife and confused children, comes to his mistress to live with her forever... And within a week he is going back - home, to his wife.

At this moment, the wife is happy, the children are relaxed, everything is back to normal…. And within a week the man is going back to his mistress.

It seems that he is playing with the feelings of these women or is simply weak-willed since he cannot make up his mind (and if so, then something can be done to help him make a decision).

In fact, he is torn apart between two equally attractive systems and no amount of willpower will work here. Simply because a person will not be able to use it.

It is extremely natural for a person to be torn in such a situation. It is also natural not to be able to fly or throw off a tail (for lack of a tail).

A person cannot, simply cannot, take and choose in such a situation - he does not have sufficient resources in his head for this.

And here we come to the most difficult moment - the solution to this situation.

I assure you, you won't like it. However, I believe that the bitter truth is better than a sweet lie, at least in certain matters.

Therefore, keep the bitter truth - if a wife has the task of keeping a man (although why is he needed?), then she must wait and endure.

The effectiveness of this strategy is not absolute, but of all others it is the most effective. So to speak - the best among the worst.

Here's the thing - in such a clash of systems, the one that remains attractive wins. And to remain attractive, you need to not put pressure.

After all, at some point the mistress will say, they say, it’s enough to live in two houses, it’s time to make a decision, and then her attractiveness to a man will begin to sharply decrease (I know what I’m talking about, I constantly encounter this at work).

And the wife is silent at this time and does not demand anything. And then the choice happens as if by itself - the attractiveness of the mistress has decreased, the attraction to her is no longer so strong, but the attractiveness of the wife has remained at the same level, one is drawn to her.

There’s no need to choose here - he’s back, he doesn’t want to go anywhere else, everything is the same again. That's the end of the fairy tale.

The only problem is that it is very, incredibly, exceptionally, monstrously difficult to endure and wait (and, by the way, usually for a very long time - up to three years, sometimes). Few people can survive all this.

And here the question for the woman is whether she is ready for such tests for the sake of this man. There is no correct answer here, everyone decides for themselves.

One thing I can say for sure is that other options are even more hopeless in terms of results (but not so difficult). How to deal with this is, of course, not for me to decide.

Total. When a man is torn between his wife and his mistress, he does this not out of malice or weakness of will, but because of a kind of “failure” in the functioning of his head. This “failure” cannot be cured in any way, it can only be experienced. This experience can last for several years, and it is difficult for both the man and his wife. If she does not put pressure on her husband, the chances that their marriage will survive are quite high (but, of course, not absolute). Whether a woman has enough strength for this and whether she needs it at all is not for me to decide.

That's all I have, thanks for your attention.