If your child says no all the time. When a child says “I don’t want to!” - how to behave as parents. Here disobedience is open disobedience
Anger management. How not to ruin your relationship with your child
7 years came, and suddenly my shy, quiet boy turned out to be a rabid choleric like me. You can't tell for me, I've learned over the years to hide the internal atomic explosion that occurs about the fourth millisecond of an irritating situation and pour it into intentional, solid calm. I just know how to live with it.
I’ll tell you without any cuts, because this is a very important period for me, it’s very important to handle it correctly.
I'll do what I want!
Situation one, a couple of days ago. Danilych is playing, we agreed that he will finish at 6 so that we can have dinner and do homework. Usually no problems, but then something new woke up.
- Danila, go have dinner.
– I still want to play.
- Danila, we agreed. It's 6 pm. I cooked dinner. Go to dinner, please.
- Will not go!
- Danila! I said go have dinner!
- I won’t go, I’ll do what I want!
There's a storm inside. One, smart and self-possessed side, reflects: “Some kind of crisis. He pushes the boundaries. He wins back the right to decide for himself.” The second, human one, panics: “So he’ll sit on his neck. You need to keep boundaries. It needs to be added. Discipline and order. The authority of the parent." The second one wins, I raise my voice:
– If you don’t know how to keep a contract, then I won’t negotiate with you anymore! Adults keep a contract, if you consider yourself an adult, do as you promised!
- I won’t! I'll eat sweets, not your dinner!
– You eat sweets for dessert. Now eat dinner!
He comes running and grabs some sweets. I stop and take it away. Inside there is already complete discord, a wave of guilt for threats and taking away, at the same time a wave of rage for insubordination. He runs away, shouting as he runs, “You stupid fool!” into the room and slams the door.
I exhale. I don’t want to stoop to this level, although I really want to burst in and pour dinner over my head. But somehow I saved myself, in the hope that an idea would come to me on how to cope, and went to do homework with Tessa.
He sat in the room and came to the kitchen.
-Give me dinner!
“I won’t talk in that tone.”
- Give me dinner, I said!
- Give me dinner! I will leave this house!
- It will be a great grief.
– If you give me dinner, I won’t leave.
- Danila, I am your mother. I don't work for blackmail. The way you talk is unacceptable. Are you mad at me for not letting you play anymore?
“But that doesn’t give you the right to call me names.” We don't do that in our family. We will not have such relationships in our family. Do you want to have dinner?
-Can you say it calmly?
- Give me dinner, please.
- Fine. Eat.
I waited until I ate. Then she sat down closer, on the level, to talk.
-Are you cool?
– Did you like the way we fought?
– I want to tell you one important thing. No one, neither adult nor child, will call me names. I will forgive this now because you are a child, you are my child, you were angry and you were wrong. But if it happens again, I won't tolerate it. I'm warning you. Did you hear me?
“I’m also very angry, so I just have a wave of fire inside me.” Does this happen to you?
“But you have to learn to deal with it.” It's not an easy task, but you will learn.
- And you scream too.
- Yes, I’m screaming. And I'm not proud of myself. But I'm trying my best, and I'm not calling you stupid fools, right? You can scream, slam doors, get angry - but you can’t call people names or hurt them. This is called “anger management.” Will we learn to manage?
He nods and climbs into his arms to hug.
I'm not going to sleep!
Situation two, today. He asked me to teach him how to tie his shoelaces. We sat down to study. He studies like a choleric person: with screams, throwing shoes, wiping away tears and trying again and again, accompanied by wild anger and rage. It's time to go to bed.
- Let's finish this, we'll train some more tomorrow.
- I want to tie my shoelaces!
– I understand, but you can’t learn in one day. You did very well. We'll practice some more tomorrow. Now it's time to sleep.
- I'm not going to sleep. I'll sit here and tie my shoes.
- It's already too late. We're done for today.
- We haven't finished! I'm not going anywhere.
- Danila, are we going to fight again?
- I will not go!
“I’m waiting for you upstairs, go brush your teeth and take a shower.”
- Will not go!
Silently I snatch the shoe from him and angrily throw it into another room.
- A-ah-ah! Why did you quit! You... You... Now I want to say bad words to you!
- Well done for holding on. I know it's very difficult for you right now, but I want you to take a shower.
- I'm not going to take a shower!
- Danila! Quickly take a shower!
He runs into his room and slams the door loudly. Yells from behind the door “Go away! Don't come to me! I bring him water amid these screams and leave.
I went to the shower, put Tessa to bed, and I heard from behind the door:
- Give me a hug.
I go in and sit on the bed.
-Are you cool?
“I think we did a much better job today.”
“But we were screaming.”
– Well, we didn’t call names, this is already huge progress. You held back. Are you ready to talk now?
– What do you think we could have done differently?
- How not to scream?
– Well, sometimes you can’t help but scream. But maybe I could have done something differently?
- Don't throw away your shoes.
- OK. What do you think, if I didn’t insist that you go immediately, but offered you another 10 minutes, you could find a compromise and come to an agreement with me?
- Yes, probably. I don't know. Everything is as you say, but I am very angry.
– Do you want to decide for yourself?
- Yes, I'm already an adult. I want to do as I want.
“But adults act in such a way that everyone feels good.” Just imagine, if I didn’t come to pick you up at school, but went to meet my friends because I wanted to, and you would sit there until the night. Would you like it?
“But I act like an adult.” I do it in a way that is important for you, and not just for me. I'm trying to find a compromise with you. I'm trying to avoid you and I fighting like this.
- Yes. You will learn, just not right away. You and I will learn together. I also need to manage myself better sometimes. Let's hug.
– I just need to go to the shower.
How to learn to resolve conflicts
I don't know which way to go. I know how I definitely don’t want to – to break through the knee, proving through violence and blackmail that I can, that I’m in charge. I know that I want to maintain, through all the conflicts and the inevitable division of territory, the feeling that I am on his side. And when you, by your own choice, have limited yourself from several paths, the only path visible to me is to go not through division, but through unification.
We. Against our conflicts, together. Against uncontrollable anger, together. Against the fact that we are driven furiously into different rooms, against passion, anger, alienation. I am a guide who is not scared by his emotions (they are scared inside, of course, but I am strong). I am stronger than his demons, stronger than my demons, and I know that we will win.
We are together, with this thread we follow along the dark corridors of crises. Together we look for ways, without being afraid of each other, without throwing each other away, in a stream of emotions, like a mad puppy.
Tessa, who doesn't like these loud collisions, squeezes her shoulders and draws in her room.
- Mom, why is Danila making such a fuss?
“He’s in a crisis, that’s what happens to children.” He wants to grow up and be an adult, and doesn’t know how yet.
– Was I like this too when I was 7 years old?
- There was such a thing.
– It’s not easy being a mother.
Yes baby. Not easy. But I believe that everything is correct. Never before has this boy, who has difficulty talking about feelings, spoken to me so consciously. We really have made tremendous progress.
“What should you do if your child says no to everything?”
Lucy Mikaelyan
family psychologist
“Depends on age. There is an age in a child when he says “no” to everything. This is a developmental stage, and when he says “no,” he means “me.” This is an establishment of his character and independence. If this is an age-related thing, then you need to endure it - it will pass. He needs this in order to somehow understand his place in the world, his capabilities and boundaries. And if this is part of some kind of interaction in the family, then the parents need to turn their heads and understand why he says “no”? What is this “no” about? It could be about different things. For example, this is closing contact when a child fences himself off. Why is he walling himself off? Is he offended? Disappointed? He's angry? What's happening to him? In children, behind any problematic behavior there is some emotional discomfort. An adult might say, “I’m angry at you, so I don’t want to sit down to dinner with you right now.” Or: “I am offended by you because you treated me unfairly. “Now I want to get out of contact, lock myself in my house and not let you get close, because you hurt me.” The child cannot say this, he can say no. Then you need to understand what is happening to him and what irritates, angers, offends him. And help him express it in words more than “no.”
Anna Varga
Head of the Department of Systemic Psychotherapy
Institute of Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis
“If a teenager says “no” to everything, then you need to breathe out and wait, and not quarrel with him. If this is a three-year-old child, then this is also normal: this is a crisis of three years, and you just need to calmly wait. He said “no”, he was distracted a little, then attracted again... If a child is of a different age and literally says “no” to everything, then something is wrong, perhaps in his relationship with his parents.”
Alexander Feigin
rabbi
“The problem is that a child, like an adult, very often says one thing but means another. When a child says “no” to a thousand little things, then it is actually “no” to one very big thing. For example, “no, dad, you don’t take me seriously, so I also answer “no” to all small requests, orders and wishes for me. These are my little “nos” to your big “nos”. Or - “no, dad, I’m no longer at the age that you think.” Or in general - “no, leave me alone.” And, by the way, this “leave me alone” is a thing that, in an overdose, can destroy upbringing, but when it is lacking, it is also terrible. A child should have the right to his own space, to his own will.”
Father Alexey Uminsky
rector of the Holy Trinity Church in Khokhly
“We need to understand the reason for the children’s protest. There can be many of them, they are very different. It is clear that when a child says “no,” there is some reason behind it, the child is protesting against something. We need to seriously understand what was such a moment in the family environment. Maybe he wants attention, so he contradicts himself in this way. Let’s say, if a little brother or sister appears in the family, to whom all the parents’ concerns are now devoted, and the older one remains unattended, then he will contradict and be capricious.”
Father Stefan Vaneyan
Archpriest of the Church of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary in Kapotnya
“This is a kind of symptom. It is clear that he has a similar question for his parents: “Why do they make me refuse them all the time?” This could be stubbornness, a habit, or some kind of defensive reaction. A child is always weaker than an adult, always more helpless. He is always at a disadvantage. However, if he persists so stubbornly and persistently, then there is something very serious there, and this is a clear signal. Maybe a signal for help. He really needs something, and we may simply not understand or comprehend these reasons. The child feels disadvantaged; he does not gain something. You can reformulate this question: “Why can’t I always be something useful to the child? Why does he have to always be disappointed in my proposals? The child protects himself, his own self. It happens that a child hones his strength and will through this. And this is manifested in the fact that it is easiest to sharpen the will on refusal, on this “no”. You need to be wise and be there, feel some kind of transference, as if it were me saying “no”. What is missing in me that makes the child feel this very “no”?”
Has your child become capricious, doesn’t want anything, doesn’t agree to anything, has his favorite word become the word “no”? All parents whose children are over 1.5 years old face this problem.
Why does the child say “no”? The fact is that The time of absolute dependence on the mother and complete submission to her has passed for the child. He begins to realize his desires, his attitude towards the world around him is formed and his mood changes. The problem is that the child has not yet learned to quickly determine what he wants at the moment, so just in case he refuses all the parents’ offers.
The second reason for constant denial is that child becoming aware of himself, is afraid of his new condition, so he tries to attract the attention of his parents with his refusals of usual pleasures. The child wants to be persuaded, to be occupied with him, to pay more attention to him.
Don't think that your child's new habit is the result of your mistakes in parenting. On the contrary, this is confirmation that the child is gradually becoming an individual and begins to break away from the mother.
Of course, it is not easy to tolerate such behavior from a child, especially if it manifests itself during feeding and going to bed. Don’t be angry, this childish “nihilism” will pass over time, and only your patience and understanding will help shorten this unpleasant period.
If your child refuses to go to sleep or wakes up suddenly during the night, he may be simply testing his power over you. Be persistent, but don't get irritated.
It’s unpleasant when a child refuses some dishes, demands a bottle with a pacifier, chooses which of the adults he will eat with and which not. Do not panic. The child understands perfectly well that refusing food will throw you off balance. This is what he achieves. The more persistently you force him to eat, the more stubborn he will be. Distract the child from the problem, switch his attention to something else, and if this does not help to arouse the child’s appetite, do not insist - he will not die of hunger. Give him time to calm down, and then in a calm voice offer him something to eat, without asking: “Will you?”, “Do you want it?”
In the process of personality formation, a child faces internal contradictions. He simultaneously wants to be independent and does not want to lose contact with his parents. If you want your child to grow into a personality, help him. Talk to him like an adult to whom you can explain everything. In cases where you do not consider it necessary to make concessions, be persistent and adamant, but do not forget to explain to your child the reasons for the prohibitions or the need to fulfill your demands.
Talk to your child more often, answer his questions, help him acquire new skills. This is the only way you can help your child overcome the problems he faces.
Shards of loveChildren of any age suffer from divorce and separation of parents. They have a particularly hard time...
Bogdanova N.V.,
child psychologist, psychoanalyst
Crisis of two years
Most babies go through the age of “no” around the age of two. Even those children who were considered real little angels begin to look more like stubborn donkeys. How to respond to such changes in a child’s behavior? In what cases should you be firm, and in what cases is it better to give in?
You ask him to put on a sweater, sit down at the table, stop exploring the electrical outlet, or return the rattle to his eight-month-old brother - with childish tenacity, your child rejects any requests and demands.
“At the next “no,” I broke down, my patience ran out,” says Larisa, mother of two-year-old Philip. I only dreamed of the moment when he would finally go to bed and I would get a little respite.”
What is the reason for a child’s need to be stubborn? At about two years of age, the child begins to realize his integrity, both psychological and physical, he learns to control his natural functions and enjoys owning his body. During this period, he feels that he is no longer one with his mother, that he is a completely separate person. With the help of “no,” the baby over and over again asserts his very fresh sense of “separateness.” In order to psychologically separate from the parents, the child must resist them, resisting parental control, instructions and requests. Only by opposing himself to his parents can he take the path of individualization. Of course, sometimes it can be difficult to get along with a baby, but you need to remember that this crisis period precedes a new milestone in development. Therefore, it is important to understand how to help a child (and sometimes yourself) get through a crisis without impeding personal development.
Avoid obstacles
Let's put on socks? No, no socks needed! You should not be stubborn after your child. You will certainly be able to overrule him, but in fact, by submitting to you this time, he will not change his position. True, if you constantly give in, the baby may “overflow its banks”, turning into a little tyrant. Of course, it is important for a small child to show his will and feel that he is the one in control of the situation, but it is equally important to set boundaries so that he learns to balance his desires with the requirements of reality. In order to honorably get out of another conflict situation into which your child’s irreconcilable stubbornness has led you, you need to become a master of red herrings and lyrical digressions. For example, offer his fingers a game of hide and seek: would they like to hide in their socks so that no one will find them? Draw his attention to something that makes him feel positive: “Will your teddy bear go for a walk with us? He probably needs help getting ready?” Sometimes it is enough to wait five minutes and repeat your request again. Your child's attention will be focused elsewhere. Apply the same strategy if your child refuses to leave the playground: “Who can run to the corner of that house over there the fastest?” This is a good way to redirect your child's attention to something more fun, interesting or unusual. When a stubborn baby begins to obey, praise him, because for him this is an obvious effort.
If your child does not heed your request to sit down at the table or start getting ready for bed, if at least a quarter of an hour passes between your persuasion and his consent to action, reassure yourself that this is normal at his age. It is quite difficult for a small child to immediately respond to your request, especially if he is busy with something more interesting than purees or a nap. Put yourself in his shoes. Do you have a desire to interrupt a conversation with your beloved friend in order to go wash the dishes? Hardly at the same time. Maybe in ten minutes. For the child, just like for you, switching from one activity to another is easier and does not cause resistance if he knows about it in advance. “Slowly finish the game, we’ll have lunch in fifteen minutes.” If you are going to visit, announce the program to him and add some pleasant details: “We will go to grandma. She really wants to see you and treat you to pancakes.” When dressing your baby, tell him how you will get there, remind him about pancakes, ask how much he can eat: let’s count, with honey or jam? He won’t even notice that he’s already fully dressed and ready to go out.
Of course, there are things about which you need to remain steadfast. The child should know that there are prohibitions and rules that should never be broken. They should primarily be about safety and be very clear. You can’t stick your fingers into a socket, climb onto a windowsill, or snatch a pen from your mother’s hand in the middle of the roadway. When you ask your baby to remove his fingers from the socket, he must remove them. And if he says “no,” calmly take his hands away from his cherished goal; there can be no compromises here. The kid will probably try to defend his rights with screams and tears; try not to oppose your position to his, but to calm him down and explain once again what the ban is connected with.
From time to time, give your child the opportunity to say “no,” to show his will and express his desires. The child must know that it is he who wants or does not want something, and by accepting his “no” you will show respect for his needs. Why not allow your child to exercise freedom of choice where it does not threaten his safety and health? In addition, some balance will be maintained between what you can allow him and what you cannot.
At the table:“Should I put some cauliflower in for you?”
When selecting a game:“Do you want to play with the blocks?”
Offering him an extra glass of drink:“Would you like some more juice?”
Presenting him with a choice:“Which sweater do you want to wear, red or blue?”
Provide a choice in the expression of feelings:“Do you want to kiss your sister?”
At the same time, some parents clutch at their heart drops, others at their belts, and still others argue until they are hoarse. But it is also possible to find a constructive solution and cope with children’s rebellion without losses. Before choosing a strategy for your behavior in this case, moms and dads, grandparents, should keep in mind that “I don’t want” can be different. Simple refusal The child does not like what is offered to him, the baby prefers something else: apple juice to orange juice, drawing to reading, a white hat to a blue one. This “I don’t want” is beautiful and correct: it says that the child is beginning to form his own view of the world, himself and his activities. Parents should try to take into account the child’s choice as often as possible: the child has the right to his own tastes, interests, and preferences. Of course, when it comes to classes, the baby should be gradually accustomed to the word “need”. But remember: from the first “I don’t want”, which sounds at about two years old, to school, in which the educational “need” will appear in full view of the child - at least five years, and interest in learning and work in the first experiments in mastering the sciences much more important than diligence. Strength test First of all - parental prohibitions and family boundaries. Even adults often try to break the established rules, let alone children! And if, for example, you told your child that in your family it is customary to eat only at the table, one fine day he will certainly say “I don’t want to!” and will try to chew the cutlet, cutting circles around the living room. Just to see what happens and how strong your inhibitions are. At such moments, it is important to show calm and confident firmness and not allow the established rules to be violated. Remember: family boundaries are the basis for a safe world, adequate self-esteem and confidence in the love and care of parents for a child. But, of course, these boundaries and rules must be reviewed with the growth and development of the baby. For example, if at one and a half years old the baby was strictly forbidden to touch the trash can, then a five-year-old child may well be responsible for taking bags of garbage to the trash. The manifestation of negativism first appears as the main indicator of the crisis of three years. The child says “no” and “I don’t want” to all proposals from adults, especially parents, simply out of a spirit of contradiction, often to his own detriment. He is not interested in the content of what is proposed, but in the negation itself. Such negativism is a difficult test for parents; you just need to survive it. Reassure yourself that such behavior is an indicator that the baby is moving to a new level in his development. By the way, it’s very, very difficult for him himself at these moments. Typically, the period of childhood negativism does not last more than two to three months. Of course, provided that a trusting relationship has been established between the child and parents. Fear of the new Some children are attracted to everything new like a magnet, while others are frightened almost to tears. Is it any wonder if such little ones, as soon as they see something unknown, stubbornly repeat “I don’t want to” and hide behind their mother? Accustom your child to innovations gradually, be sure to find in the new an opportunity to rely on the old, well-known and “safe”. And also take a closer look at your own behavior: perhaps, in order to get obedience from your baby, you yourself paint the world around him in dark colors? Grandmothers especially often sin with this (it’s easier for them to cope with their grandchildren’s excessive mobility) or dads (when their wives are always dissatisfied with their communication with their children: they didn’t notice why they allowed it, etc.). The answer to impossible demands A two-year-old toddler will happily try to repeat the written letter after his mother, but what will happen if you put a copybook for a first-grader in front of him? And the little assistant will show off the ribbon she ironed herself, but she obviously won’t be able to handle a stack of bed linen. If a child is presented with excessive demands - beyond his age and beyond his strength - “I don’t want” is the only way out for him. Inability to express negative emotions At two or three years old, having mastered his body as separate from his mother’s, the baby begins to immerse himself in his inner world. He discovers that some events delight, delight, surprise, frighten, anger, irritate him. But the baby doesn’t know how to express his overwhelming emotions. This is especially pronounced in children who have strong feelings, a mobile emotional system, and an explosive temperament. They are easily excited and do not calm down for a long time; they cry both from joy and from grief. In addition, a child’s speech at this age is not yet sufficiently developed, and his active vocabulary is small. The baby simply does not understand what to do with the overwhelming feelings (often he himself is afraid of them) and expresses them with a simple and short “I don’t want.” The way out is to help the baby understand what is happening inside him, to express it in words, active outdoor games, and drawings. The technique of “active listening” will help here. Consequence of overprotection If by the age of two or three years your baby is still a helpless fool whom you dress, wash, spoon-feed, take on walks exclusively in a stroller and do not let go of you even a step, he gets used to his helplessness, clumsiness, lack of independence and - let's face it - idleness. And any attempt to instill in him the skills of independence or push him to perform some actions may be met with violent protest. “I don’t want” to do what my mother, grandmother or nanny usually do for me. Overprotection, of course, is convenient for adults, especially if a child is the only meaning of life for them or they themselves are full of fears about the world. But this is unlikely to make the baby very happy. A way to attract attention By the age of two, children have already firmly learned in what cases and situations parental interest is ensured for them. And if you are used to giving your baby only negative attention - communicating with him only when he does something “wrong” or “unacceptable” - “I don’t want” becomes a great way to attract your interest. The solution is simple: shift the focus from the negative to the positive. Stop noticing your child’s shortcomings, start praising him and supporting him when he behaves “correctly,” “obediently,” and does “good” things. How to deal with an unwilling child You can achieve results with the help of a game, because in this way you start a conversation with a child in his language. ✔ Addressing on behalf of a toy If a child is hostile to mother’s requests, talk to him from time to time on behalf of a toy. It can be a glove puppet, a soft animal, or a favorite car. The main thing is that the baby likes the toy and can become for him a kind of “authority” whom he will be happy to obey. For the first time, you can hide behind the door and, sticking a toy out from behind it, invite the baby to do something on its behalf, for example: “Hello, it’s me, your car. I’m tired of sitting at home, let’s go for a walk?” ✔ Festival of disobedience Being always obedient and correct bores everyone. Even adults, no, no, will break the rules. When you can sometimes be naughty, it’s much easier to live “within limits”. Therefore, from time to time, arrange a “holiday of disobedience” - when for a couple of hours you can do everything that is usually impossible. Take part in it with the whole family. Instead of lunch, have a picnic on the floor and be sure to replace the soup and cutlets with compote and sweets. Hang sheets of wrapping paper on the walls and draw on them. Walk backwards, sideways, or on your hands. ✔ The opposite move If your baby is attacked by an attack of negativism, and you know for sure that he will turn any request inside out, offer him the exact opposite of what needs to be done. You need to get dressed for a walk - say that you decided to stay at home today. On the street you need to go right - announce a left turn. ✔ Teach it how it should When you want your baby to do something according to the rules or practice mastering a skill, ask him to show another - a second parent, grandmother, younger brother, favorite toy, how to perform this action correctly.
