Why men don't help around the house and how to deal with it. If the husband does not help with the housework: advice to the wife The husband does not help at all with the baby

Husbands often refuse to do household chores. Neither requests nor reminders help that the spouse also works late and wants to rest. How to get a lazy partner to keep the house clean? Family psychologist Angelina Lazarenko answers this question.

Should your spouse help?

First you need to realize that household chores are among women's responsibilities. However, as we know from psychology, in order for a healthy atmosphere to reign in a marriage, it is advisable to accustom the husband to daily household chores. If your chosen one cleans up, at least after himself, he will very soon learn to appreciate your work, and the house will become cleaner and more comfortable.

Decide which responsibilities you will perform and which will go to your husband. Let your spouse know what you do, such as washing, cooking and ironing.

Don't take on tasks that a man should do. If a faucet leaks at home or a painting falls, calmly remind your chosen one about this. But don’t start demanding that your partner drop everything and run to hammer a nail. In this case, you will not achieve results.

Does your chosen one convince you that housework is a woman’s job and doesn’t want to get involved in it? If you listen to your partner, you can be left completely without help, adding household chores to your work obligations. Remember that a man is able to take on some of the tasks. The only obstacle to sharing your responsibilities is his laziness. Is it possible to train your husband to take on some of the chores without resorting to extreme measures? Here are some tips from psychologists on what to do if a man does not want to help around the house.

Engage his "man brain"

Communicate that you need help using logic. In order for a man to listen to your words, you need to tell him what task he faces, building a clear logical chain. Make it clear that you are tired at work, so you do not have enough time to keep the house clean. Ask your spouse to take on some of the responsibilities. Speak calmly, do not raise your voice. If your explanations are clear, your partner will quickly understand what is required of him.

Do you want your lover to clean up after himself? Don't try to shout or speak in a commanding tone.

Try to use neutral words, ask rather than command (“please take out the trash”, “could you wash the dishes?”). Don’t start quarrels, stop reproaching your chosen one for his laziness. Such actions will hurt your husband’s pride, and he will begin to do everything against you.

Men have an innate sense of freedom. Use it to your advantage. Let your spouse know that he can choose any chore he wants to do. If a partner does what he likes, he will not shirk chores around the house, citing fatigue or workload.

Stimulate with positive reinforcement and scare with negative reinforcement.

Explain to your man how difficult it is for you to do all the household chores alone. Describe as emotionally as possible how much energy household chores take away from you. After this, tell us what a pleasant surprise your partner will have if he washes the dishes or wipes the dust. Your task is to motivate a man. Whether this motivation will be positive or negative is up to you to decide.

Do you want to educate your partner with encouragement rather than punishment? Then every correct action of the spouse must be supported by something pleasant for him. Kiss your husband when he vacuums, tell him how much you value your partner when he washes the floor. Do not spare compliments, and your chosen one will begin to view housework not as hard labor, but as pleasant leisure time.

Positive motivation doesn't work? Apply negative. Tell your spouse that if he doesn't want to do the dishes, you won't do it either. State that you no longer want to monitor your children.

When your chosen one realizes that he will now have to save money for a dishwasher and a nanny, he will again begin to help you around the house. No man will agree to spend extra money if it can be avoided.

Distribute responsibilities

The man no longer resists and is happy to help you? It's time to distribute responsibilities. Gather a family council and divide household chores equally. After that, make a schedule and hang it on the refrigerator. The spouse must remember that he is now responsible for certain tasks. To prevent your husband from getting the idea of abandoning his plan, go to a restaurant or for a walk, supporting the list with something pleasant.

If you have children, remember that sooner or later they will also have to take on some of the responsibilities. But while the guys are small, you need to teach your husband to cleanliness, so that in the future you won’t have to keep order on your own.

In any family, each spouse has their own specific responsibilities, which usually arise somehow automatically.

The woman almost immediately begins to do things, for example, cooking, and the man throws out the trash in the morning. But sometimes the division of these responsibilities does not suit everyone.

Very often the wife begins to feel that there is too much hanging on her and it turns out to be difficult to cope with. At the same time, she expects help from her man, but does not receive it. Because of this, discontent accumulates, which can then develop into a serious scandal.

Why doesn't the husband participate in the household?

Men are absolutely sincerely convinced that they are the head of the family, and their main task is to make money. Therefore, as a rule, they do not pay attention to all other responsibilities that may exist.

The breadwinner comes home and expects everything around him to be sparkling clean and for a delicious dinner to be on the table. At the same time, he does not think about how much effort and time it took his wife to do this.

At first, a woman enjoys caring for her man, and she takes on a mountain of responsibilities to please her chosen one.

This arrangement suits everyone at first, but later it becomes obvious that the wife cannot constantly carry everything on herself and she really wants help from her husband. However, she receives no support.

Much also depends on the model of the family in which the man grew up. If his father never helped his mother in anything, then the man will not do this either, because this was not accepted by his parents.

How to encourage a man to help with housework?

There is no need to silently expect that one fine day a man will come home from work or get up on a day off and immediately pick up a vacuum cleaner to start cleaning.
If you need help from your loved one, then you need to talk about it, and not hope that sooner or later he will come to it himself. It won’t come, and this has already been proven by time! And the man is happy with everything. Why should he strive to change anything?
You need to start the conversation not with hysterics and screams about how tired the woman is and how tired she is of everything, but with a calm explanation. It is necessary to let the chosen one understand why it has become difficult, and what exactly his help is needed.

If the conversation is structured correctly and without pretensions, then the man will not only not resist, but, on the contrary, will happily do it.

After all, the most important thing for him is happiness in the eyes of his beloved woman and her good mood.

A woman works and makes a career on an equal basis with a man. But in addition to this, she has a set of traditional household responsibilities. And, of course, caring for a child or children. Very often she tries to combine all these hypostases. But one day there may come a time when there is no strength left to “do everything.”

child psychologist

Most often this occurs during a woman's pregnancy. Changes in well-being, a new role that is difficult to get used to right away, and increased fatigue leave their mark on the usual rhythm of life. The woman gradually realizes that she will no longer be able to, as before, bring heavy bags from the store, cook dinner, clean the bathroom... And then she turns to her husband for help. And he is suddenly surprised.

Why does he stay away?

There is a historically established stereotype of the division of roles within the family: the woman takes care of the house and children, the man earns food for his family. Today you don’t need to go mammoth hunting, a lot has changed, and a patriarchal family structure is already difficult to find among residents of large cities. The roles in the family were mixed. But stereotypes still have a strong impact on everyone and often mislead us.

When a woman can’t cope and demands help, a man “rebels.” He disagrees and is offended by the unfair “attack” on his time and energy.

At appointments with family psychologists, men very often complain about the endless accusations and dissatisfaction of their wives against them. And this is why it is a surprise to them that women are waiting for help:

This was the custom in my husband’s family. Mom always did everything around the house herself, without involving her husband and children in housework. And she didn't complain. Therefore, having married, such a man transfers the model of his parental family to his own. And she takes it for granted that a woman is successful everywhere.
The wife did everything, and then suddenly began to make claims. For a man, this is really a bolt from the blue. “Should I wash the dishes? Are you serious??? Maybe we should wear an apron?” or “Walk with the baby in the evening? No, I'm tired. And you’re on maternity leave, time is running out.” You can understand a man. If a woman provided him with a comfortable life and did not complain, then, in his opinion, it suited her. And when she “out of nowhere” began to demand something that had not been discussed before - of course, he will be surprised and will dig to the bottom - “what, in fact, has changed?” Nothing. I just ran out of strength.

The situation from the inside

What to do if a woman can’t cope and needs her husband’s help with housework and childcare? Families that have managed to come to an agreement and distribute responsibilities within the family live very friendly and happy lives. And, what is very important, this magical skill is passed on from generation to generation.

Let's look from the outside at a family in which a woman works, takes care of the house, and takes care of the children. She is unhappy, tired, dissatisfied with her husband and really wants help from her husband, but he refuses to help. Every time he helps, she doesn't like it. He does everything reluctantly, without soul and quickly, according to the principle “get it and leave it alone.” A woman is usually dissatisfied, she needs the help of an adult man, and not a little boy who was attracted against his will to “women’s” chores, and for whom he also has to redo everything.

What happens to the man in this family? He works, gets tired and needs rest in the evening. He has no need to take on a “female role.” Coming home, he does not feel needed, desired and loved. He does not see gratitude from his wife for his work. He was working and very tired. But here they don’t understand him and don’t accept him. Some additional “help” is expected from him. They are dissatisfied with him, they condemn him, scold him and again demand help. The man is under enormous pressure. This situation is perceived by him as unfair and dishonest. As we see, in such a family it is bad for both the woman and the man. Both are losers.

Home theater

Our perception plays a big role in our lives. How we perceive the situation will determine what kind of thought we create. Next, the thought will form a feeling. And if we are convinced that the situation is acceptable, then everything is fine. We are satisfied and happy. There are no insults or quarrels.

If a woman perceives the situation in a negative way and thinks that her husband is behaving dishonestly towards her, then she is offended, but endures it and does everything herself. This is where the role of the victim comes into play. The woman thinks: “I’m so good, I do so many things for the family, but he’s ungrateful, doesn’t appreciate me, doesn’t help me. I'm a good wife! He's a terrible husband!

In the woman’s perception, she is in the role of Cinderella, and her husband is in the role of an insensitive stepmother. The unconscious prize of this situation: recognition of oneself as a good and unhappy girl. In fairy tales, such a role is usually held in high esteem. And in the end, Cinderella will have happiness and help, but from other people, not from her stepmother! This character could not be changed in any fairy tale...

What happens in life? The victim does everything himself, endures, remains silent and delays as long as he can. But as soon as there is more work (a baby is born, a move occurs, going back to work after maternity leave, etc.), the husband’s help becomes necessary. She applies for it and is refused. A woman accumulates grievances, tension grows, anger overwhelms her. And she changes the role of the victim to the role of the aggressor. Fear forces a man to fulfill all stated demands. But it won't last long. The husband at this moment takes on the role of the victim. Having understood the situation a little, he reacts with one of two historical strategies for survival: run away (from home, to work, to training or on business) or to freeze (fall asleep, stop talking).

After the “storm” the woman feels guilty. And this puts her back into the role of victim. Until the situation is realized, the cycle repeats again and again.

What happens to the man? He feels betrayed. He worked hard from the first days of their marriage. Everything was always fine. And then suddenly, after the birth of the child, the woman changed and began to demand help, she became dissatisfied with him. The man feels unloved and deceived. "I'm good. She is bad. She doesn't appreciate me." The role of the victim is now played by a man.

The “victim-aggressor” role is two sides of the same coin. Only people with similar psychological problems can support the same scenario. Until the problem is recognized and resolved, they will feel bad together, but they need each other. And they unconsciously create situations in which they can get “what they want,” that is, recognition of themselves as “good.”

5 magical steps

You can help yourself if you and your spouse go through a path consisting of several stages.

1. Awareness. It's sad to lose so many years proving that you are a good person. Awareness of the situation is the first step to solving the problem. Talk about your feelings, thoughts, experiences. Talk about yourself without blaming each other. Let’s say, “I feel very lonely when I’m standing in the kitchen late at night and there’s a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink.” Or “I’m terribly annoyed by the need to go for a walk with my baby in the evening when I’m already very tired.” If you feel like you are being blamed, say so. Make sure your voice is friendly.

2. Self-acceptance. To overcome the problem, unconditional self-acceptance is necessary. You need to take yourself for granted. The way you accept the sky. Whatever it is, you will never be offended or angry with it. Remember, you are worthy of love, acceptance and care. Give yourself all this. Love and take care of yourself.

3. Acceptance of spouse. By accepting yourself, you can accept your spouse. He is who he is. Unique and amazing. He is a free person and is free to make choices. It is impossible to re-educate him without his desire. You can only accept and love him, or accept and let go... When you accept your spouse, you will look at him with understanding and love. Your look will say: “You are good.” And he, with a high degree of probability, will reciprocate your feelings. You will develop respectful, affectionate relationships. It is important to understand that all of the above also applies to the spouse. There should be reciprocity in a relationship. A husband, having accepted himself, will be able to accept his wife.

5. Support. Praise and support each other. Do nice things for each other, cover each other with care and love.

Sometimes going through these 5 steps on your own can be difficult, and at some point it may even seem impossible. In this case, a family therapist will support you.

Although the days of Stepford wives are long gone, many men still think that household chores are exclusively a woman's responsibility. But they forget that not only they, but also their wives bring the “mammoth” into the family.

You and your husband both work all day, but when you come home, he lies down on the sofa in front of the TV, and you have to do a bunch of different household chores - cook dinner, wash the dishes, throw laundry in the washing machine, help the children with their homework.

To your requests for help with household chores, your spouse replies “I was actually working,” “I’m tired,” “Well, you’re a woman, cook it yourself,” and other “excuses.” In the end, you have to do everything yourself, although you are no less tired than your spouse.

There is no need to tolerate such behavior - in modern families, spouses distribute household responsibilities among themselves. Activities with children, shopping for groceries and household goods, cleaning and cooking - absolutely everything is divided in half. If a man takes out the trash twice a month and sometimes buys groceries on the way home, and all the rest of the housework falls on you, then this cannot be considered a fair distribution of responsibilities.

The only option when you can take on all the worries about the house is that you do not work, and your husband fully provides your family with money. Then household chores are your job.

There may be several reasons why a spouse categorically avoids any housework:

Banal laziness - a man is lazy and tries to evade any activity in all areas of life. Instead of cleaning, he would rather sit in front of the TV, because his wife will eventually not be able to stand it and will do everything herself.
Fatigue - he works hard all day at work and only crawls home to sleep. He has neither the strength nor the time for household chores. In this case, there is some bonus - such workaholics, as a rule, earn good money.
Infantility - a man is simply not used to keeping track of clean clothes and dishes, the presence of food in the refrigerator, he does not even know how to iron correctly. He most likely lived for a long time with his mother, who did everything for him, and then “moved” to his wife and expects the same behavior from her.
Mismanagement - he simply does not notice the disorder in the house, he is fine as is.
Contempt for “women’s work” - he is convinced that the wife should take all the care of the house onto her shoulders - “after all, you are a woman, this is what you do.” He considers household chores primitive and unworthy of a man.
There is no point, because the wife will be unhappy that he did something wrong - he didn’t wash the floors well enough, cooked the borscht tastelessly, and so on. After numerous nagging, the spouse simply does not see the point in doing anything.

Men often hide behind the phrases “I’ll do it later,” “well, I’m helping you,” “yes, my dear, I’ll do it now,” and simply wait for the woman to break down and solve the economic problem herself. At the heart of this lies the usual trick - after all, he knows that the problem can be solved without his participation.

To get your husband’s “doing nothing” off the ground, you need to try:

Explain clearly and in detail to your spouse what you want him to do—for example, for him to fix the faucet or cook dinner on Thursdays while you pick up the kids from school. Get your husband to tell you the exact date and time for completing his task.
Distribute responsibilities equally - for example, you cook and your husband washes the dishes, you take the children to school and he picks them up in the evening, he washes things and you iron them, and so on. Agree on who is more comfortable doing certain chores.
Praise for work done - men, like children, need affection and recognition of their merits. Therefore, praise him even for small chores around the house - and then he will want to do something else.
Explain why the two of you need to participate in economic life - that you don’t have time and are very tired, and who needs a tired, sad wife? That's right, no one. This means that in order to see your smile, he needs to manage a little.
Stimulate with a reward - for each “feat” a man will receive his own reward: for a repaired faucet - a favorite dish, for a cleaned apartment - fishing with friends, and so on.

What not to do

In teaching your husband to do housework, the main thing is not to go too far. Here are some tips on what not to do:

do not shout or swear - always calmly explain your position, preferably with humor or a smile;
do not impose work that he does not like - if you see that he does not like to wash dishes, then replace it with something more pleasant;
do not load it immediately as soon as he comes home from work - give him a little rest after a hard day;
do not blame him for doing something wrong - on the contrary, unobtrusively help him or do something together so that he understands how to do it next time.

Extreme measures

In particularly difficult cases, when your husband continues to ignore your requests for help, you can resort to an ultimatum. If he won't do anything around the house, then neither will you. Stop cooking for him, washing, cleaning, do only what you need: cook for one person, wash only your own things, and so on.

Another option is to tell your husband that if he does not want to help with the housework, then you will have to hire a maid. And you will pay her from your husband’s funds. Material expenses should make a man move.

Family well-being is the fruit of the efforts of two people: both the wife and the husband. Carrying all the everyday problems and responsibilities on yourself means dooming yourself to endless fatigue. You need to not be shy and tell your spouse that it’s hard for you to cope with everything alone, and resolve everyday disagreements together.

Many women complain about the lack of any help around the house from their husbands. And the wife has to do a lot of household chores alone, while her husband finds another reason for refusal. What to do if your husband does not help around the house and is it possible to involve him in housekeeping?

If you turn to your man for help over and over again, but “things are still there,” rest assured that you are being manipulated. Let's look at the three most common types of manipulative husbands and find out how to deal with them:

Men know very well that women are greedy for compliments and shamelessly take advantage of it. Even in childhood, begging their mother for extra candy or a car, many of them understand that the words: “Mommy, you are my best, I love you so much!” - work wonders.
In adulthood, they remain - they do not skimp on compliments about how well their wife cooks, washes the floor, hammers nails...

And damn, it works! Husbands continue to remain aloof from household chores, and women, inspired by compliments and with an even greater sense of pride and inner satisfaction, continue to work alone for the good of the family.

What to do?

your husband doesn’t help around the house - don’t be shy about mastering the role of “switchman.” When he turns the arrows on you, return them back to him. Accept another compliment about your amazing housekeeping, like, thank you, I'm really amazing at frying potatoes, but you do it just as well - please cook them for dinner today, YOU.
Another method is the illusion of choice. Ask what is more convenient and easier for him to do now - go grocery shopping or wash the floor? Freedom of choice, although imaginary, will not hurt his male pride as much.

2. Manipulator - poor student

A common life situation is that a wife asks her husband to vacuum the floors, but after “cleaning” he discovers dust behind the nightstand or under the bed. What does a woman do? Cursing, she redoes everything herself, noticing along the way that she can’t trust him with anything. And the man is just waiting for this: “If you don’t like it, do it yourself!”

Another type of similar behavior is when the husband does not refuse directly, but puts everything off for later. As a result, after a month and a half of constant reminders and waiting, the woman herself takes on the task of repairing the rickety closet door.

What to do?

let your husband understand that you are not obligated to control everything in the world and. Moreover, you may do something wrong. For example, my husband doesn’t get around to repairing the faucet in the bathroom for three weeks. Start repairing the faucet in front of him, not forgetting to ask questions about “what and how” - it’s rare that a man will pass such a test and, in the end, do it himself!
an important point - praise him for all his economic impulses, without focusing on minor shortcomings. He is your knight and savior, and everything else will come with experience.

3. Manipulator – malingerer

A man comes home from work and responds to any request from his wife for help that he is tired and completely powerless - sound familiar? Many women encourage this kind of behavior and take on all the housework: “Poor guy, he’s so tired, let him rest, and I’ll somehow do it myself...”

Of course, we are all human and we all have emergency situations at work, but if “I’m tired, I can’t do anything” wanders from day to day, it’s worth thinking about.

What to do?

Don’t try to become a helpful mommy for your husband. Remember! you build relationships on equal terms, like two responsible adults.
“mirror” your husband’s behavior, because, as you know, you can’t see the beam in your own eye. Husband doesn't help around the house during the week and is going to spend the entire weekend on the couch? Great, then keep him company! Say that you are also tired during the week - rest and rest.
Perhaps this will spur him on and he will invite you, for example, to cook lunch together. Do not refuse his help in anything, because joint activities have a great effect on relationships, and the man feels more needed and significant.

How to teach your husband to do housework? Women's tricks with real life examples

We hope our useful tips will help you and you will finally find a man's help in household chores!