Mikhail Labkovsky about the peculiarities of his attitude towards children. Mikhail Labkovsky: “Leave the child alone, let him be himself Labkovsky about children and early development

A family psychologist with 30 years of experience talks about the most important things that we often lose sight of when trying to “raise a child into a human being”

Photo source: uduba.com

At his lectures, Mikhail Labkovsky talks about simple and important things that we often lose sight of when trying to “raise a child into a human being.”

1. Being unhappy people, you will never be able to build a relationship with your child so that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then there is no need to do anything special.

2. Many people believe that they, the parents, are fine, and only their children have problems.
And they are surprised when two completely different children grow up in the same family: one is self-confident, successful, excellent in combat and politics, and the other is a notorious loser, always whining or aggressive. But this means that the children felt differently in the family, and some of them did not have enough attention. Someone was more sensitive and needed more love, but the parents did not notice this.

3. Making sure that the child is dressed, shod and fed is caring, not education.
Unfortunately, many parents believe that care is enough.

4. The way you treat a child in his childhood is how he will treat you in your old age.

5. School should teach not so much mathematics and literature, but life itself.
From school it is important to gain not so much theoretical knowledge as practical skills: the ability to communicate, build relationships, take responsibility for yourself - your words and actions, solve your problems, negotiate, manage your time... It is these skills that help you feel confident in adulthood and earn money for a living.

6. A child’s excessive worries about bad grades are only a mirror of the reaction of adults.
If parents calmly react to a bad grade or failure in sports, or to some other failures, if the parents smile, they say: “ My dear, don't be upset“, then the child is calm, stable, definitely improves in his studies and finds a job where he can do everything well.

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7. If in elementary school your child cannot cope with the program, if you have to sit with your child for a long time on homework, the problem is not in the child, but in the school.
More difficult does not mean better! The child should not be overtired, trying to catch up with the program compiled by the teachers. In first grade, preparing homework should take from 15 to 45 minutes.

8. Punishing children is possible and sometimes even necessary.
But you need to clearly separate the child and his actions. For example, you agreed in advance that before you come home from work, he will do his homework, eat and clean up after himself. And then you come home and see a picture: a pot of soup stands untouched, textbooks have clearly not been opened, some pieces of paper are lying on the carpet, and the child is sitting with his nose in a tablet.

The main thing is not to turn into a fury at this moment, not to yell about how “everyone’s children are like children” and that your child will grow up to be a zero without a stick.
Approach the child without the slightest aggression. Smiling, hug him and say: “I love you very much, but you won’t get a tablet for a week”. But yelling, insulting, being offended and not talking - this is not necessary. The child is punished by taking away gadgets.

9. A child should have pocket money from the age of six.
Not large, but regularly issued amounts that he manages himself.

And it is very important that money does not become a tool for manipulation. There is no need to control what the child spends it on and make the amount of tranches dependent on his academic performance and behavior.

Photo source: uduba.com

10. There is no need to live their lives for children, decide what they should do and what not, solve their problems for them, put pressure on them with your ambitions, expectations, instructions.
Once you get old, how will they live?

11. All over the world, only the smartest and richest go to university.
The rest go to work, look for themselves and earn money for higher education. What do we have?..

12. I am against constant close monitoring.
The child must be sure that the family loves him, respects him, counts him and trusts him. In this case, he will not get involved with “bad company” and will avoid many temptations that peers with a tense family situation cannot resist.

13. When I worked at school, on Knowledge Day I said that it is necessary to study, if only because they pay many times more for working with their heads than for physical labor.
And that having learned, you will be able to work and get paid for what you love to do.

14. The mess in a teenager's room corresponds to his inner state.
This is how the chaos in his spiritual world is expressed outwardly. It’s also good if he washes himself... You can only demand to “put things in order” if the child’s things fall out of his room.

Photo source: pexels.com

15. Educating does not mean explaining how to live. This does not work.
Children develop only by analogy. Children understand what can and cannot be done, what should be done and what should not be done, not from the words of their parents, but exclusively from their actions.

Simply put, if a father says that drinking is harmful, but he himself does not dry out, there is a good chance that his son will become an alcoholic. This is the most striking example, but children catch and adopt more subtle things no less sensitively.

16. You need to talk to children about life in general, and not about how to live.
If a parent can only talk to a child about problems, he has a problem.

17. If a child tries to manipulate adults, he simply has neurosis.
And we must look for its cause. Healthy people do not manipulate; they solve their problems by being straightforward.

18. When talking with a child, do not criticize him, do not touch his personality, do not go beyond the analysis of his actions.
Talk not about him, but about yourself. Not “you are bad”, but “I think you did something bad.” Use wording: “I don’t like it when you...”, “I don’t like it when you...”, “I would like it if...”

19. The child should feel that parents are kind but strong people.
Who can protect him, can deny him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.

Do you agree that children's attempts to manipulate are a sign of neurosis?

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The now popular psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky also brings a weighty word to the eternal debates about raising children. How to make children happy?

A happy child can only be raised by a happy parent.

No amount of techniques, reading smart books, or “wise” behavior will help parents raise their son or daughter psychologically healthy and happy if the parents themselves are in a neurotic relationship. Therefore, first of all, you should start with yourself. Look at yourself from the outside: do you see a calm, happy mother (the same goes for fathers)?

If not, sit down and think about what is wrong with you personally and with your family relationships. This is primary. The general psychological state of all family members is very well read by children. If the mother experiences constant anxiety and uncertainty, the child begins to experience the same.

A cheerful, happy child can only grow up with psychologically healthy parents.

It is already much more difficult to deal with parents. Their neuroses often stem from their childhood, adolescence and more. But if you follow a few rules, you can improve your life and, accordingly, the lives of your children.

Children don't need our sacrifices

For example, many parents often treat their children with a fair amount of sacrifice. Mom comes home tired from work, and her son or daughter asks to play with him. Mom overcomes herself and agrees. There is no need to do this.

Firstly, the baby sees and feels this tension, it does not bring him that. Secondly, mom should tell him so directly that she is tired and it is better to play tomorrow, when she is rested. The child will understand this. Here you kill two birds with one stone - you don’t torture yourself with sacrifice and instill respect for you.

In general, parents should not devote their lives to their children. They should have their own life. A child should join this life, and not be its meaning. This will save you from many kinks. For example, from the reproaches of parents: “I dedicated my whole life to you. And you are ungrateful...” And from fair answers: “I didn’t ask to give birth to me”

Keep your hands off the children. No spanking or slapping

On the issue of physical punishment of children, psychologist Labkovsky takes a sharply negative position and says that in Israel, for example, a parent pays for punishing a child by being ordered to live in another city for a year. For a repeated case - prison for 7 years.

In almost all European countries, corporal punishment in raising children is prohibited by law. There, in general, this is not considered a spanking or slap in the face, but is considered a criminal offense against a minor.

Any physical violence traumatizes the psyche of a little person. Those who are stronger become aggressive themselves as they grow up. Those who are weaker become downtrodden and broken. They have pathologically low self-esteem, victim consciousness, they constantly apologize to everyone and feel guilty about everything. Both of them in adulthood are drawn to partners prone to aggression; this is inherent in them at the subconscious level.

This situation is familiar to them and does not seem terrible. This is especially noticeable in girls. God forbid, the girl was beaten by her father - in adulthood she will intuitively choose aggressive partners for life.

Therefore, it is much more important that children are never present during conflicts in the family. Labkovsky is ready to admit that if it is impossible to maintain a healthy climate in the family, divorce is preferable.

A child is a separate person

Another piece of advice from psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is not to put pressure on children with your ambitions and hopes and let them understand on their own who they are and what they want.

For example, many parents force their children to forcibly attend various sections and clubs, thus taking up all the available free time from school. Whereas a child should have at least two hours of “doing nothing” a day. This time is necessary, firstly, for a break from studying, and secondly, to reflect, think, dream, and give freedom to one’s own desires.

You cannot do anything against the will of the child. The desire to fulfill one’s failed dreams on children sometimes leads to tragedies and certainly to neuroses. Understand that a child is not your appendage, it is a separate personality. And this person may have his own characteristics and preferences.

Overprotection

Labkovsky also admits that the country has a big problem with maternal overprotection. Active mothers, almost until adulthood, do not allow their offspring to make decisions and do everything for them. Because “he (or she) will do something bad.”

Labkovsky strongly recommends that parents get rid of this addiction. In modern psychology, all norms of behavior are described, according to any child’s age. For example, at five years old, a child is quite capable of dressing himself and tying his shoelaces. From 8-9 years old he can vacuum and wash dishes. We need to give him this opportunity. Not with a whip in hand. Captivate, interest.

Parents often believe that they know better what their offspring needs. They prohibit what he wants to do and force him to do what is not interesting to him. This is the source of neurosis. We often hear from parents: “You never know what you want,” “There is such a word - you have to.”

If you look at European countries, no one will be surprised if a four-year-old child jumps in a puddle. This will cause us to shout: “Stop it!”

That’s why our children grow up intimidated, their eyes don’t light up. They constantly look around and get scared.

Even such a small thing as buying clothes should give a little person the opportunity to be free. Start with this at least. Let him choose what he likes in the store, even if it is the most ridiculous thing that was in the store.

You just need to love your child. Anyone!

In conclusion, Labkovsky asks all parents to realize that children are loved just like that, without any conditions. Just because they have a child! And all signs of dissatisfaction with your son or daughter are signs of dissatisfaction with yourself.

So, sort out your own head first - that’s what Labkovsky calls for.

“And don’t forget my 6 rules, because they apply to children too!”

Do what you like
Don't do what you don't like
Talk about what you don't like IMMEDIATELY
Answer only the question
Don't answer when not asked
When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself

We have prepared for you important and useful quotes from articles and public speeches by a psychologist on how to raise a happy child.

Parent example

1. “Lectures on raising children, advice from psychologists and teachers about relationships in the family are effective and make sense only if the parents themselves are psychologically well or at least stable.”

2. “Being unhappy people, you will never be able to build a relationship with your child so that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then there is no need to do anything special.”

3. “It is impossible, without loving yourself, to raise a child into a person who will love himself. And a parent with low self-esteem cannot raise children with high self-esteem. Although many are trying very hard.”

Rewrite your children's script

4. “Yes, the roots of many problems come from childhood. But parents are who they are. They raised you the best they could. You can’t change them, you have to change yourself: rewrite the childhood script, grow out of it.”

Stability, comfort, trust

6. “The sense of security that a child should receive in childhood is the most important condition for his future mental health and life without neuroses.”

7. “Stability, comfort, trust - this is what children should receive from their parents in the first place. If parents behave aggressively, humiliate, criticize the child, then his trust in life in general and in people in particular is naturally undermined. I have one friend who says specifically: I hate people. She picks up dogs and cats, and it’s clear why: the animals didn’t betray her, but dad did.”

Harmony in the family

9. “If you take a full, but neurotic family, and a family without a father, the second is definitely preferable.”

Alex Janu / Flickr / CC-BY-2.0

When parenthood stops being a "cute" delight

10. “The trouble is that most parents coo with their children until a certain age, and at the age of four they suddenly refuse to understand that there is a child in front of them. And they begin to demand something, put pressure, wait... When you want children to bear your last name, this is normal, but when you want them to finish singing something that you did not have time to sing, this is fraught.”

11. “When a mother is on maternity leave for a long time and “through force” to care for a child, she feels like a hostage to him or consciously, by a strong-willed decision “spends a lot of time with the child” because she is so responsible, or - even worse - “devotes son (daughter) all of herself,” or even worse, “she lives for him,” this certainly doesn’t make it any easier for the children.”

Do not confuse care and education

12. “Making sure that the child is dressed, shod and fed is caring, not education. Unfortunately, many parents believe that care is enough. At the same time, parents often do not know how to communicate with their child. They just can't talk to him. Then this problem goes to school, where all conversations revolve only around grades, lessons, behavior and exams.”

Guilt

13. “Children read everything and understand perfectly well when they are being “sit” or walking with them out of guilt. Or, for example, a mother comes home tired in the evening, on the one hand she has remorse that the children require attention, on the other hand, who will feed them if she quits work? And so she tries to carry on a conversation with them, but she wants only one thing - to lie down and die from fatigue... And it’s hard for her, and it’s not easy for them. Look for helpers, talk to your children, ask for their support - you don’t have to carry everything on yourself! In the end, I’m tired - hug the children, wash your face and go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow. This is better than nightly hysterics: “The whole house rests on me, I work and stand at the stove, and you...”.

14. “And when, out of guilt, they are bought off with the help of toys, children also know very well. “Sorry, I came home late from work again, and I’m going on a business trip this weekend, so you, son, have a new construction set”... Such relationships - with initially incorrect settings - are reflected in the child’s psyche, and even in physiology.”

15. “A healthy situation is when a mother eagerly (and without blaming herself for anything), anticipating how she will hug her daughter or son, rushes home from work. From work, where she is fulfilled, communicates, receives satisfaction, and where she has time to miss her child. And those couple of hours or less that parent and child spend together are truly valuable, filled with love, genuine interest in each other, and give a lot to both parties.”

Donnie Ray Jones / Flickr / CC-BY-2.0

If the family is not the first child

16. “Dear parents! When a second, third, fifth child is born in your family, do not tell the elders that they are already adults. Do not let them understand, either by behavior or words, that “you are already big.” Firstly, although he is the eldest, he still remains small in relation to his parents, and this is the only normal position. And secondly, children perceive all these stories about “you are now the elder” as a sign that they no longer love him or love him less. This is painful and extremely unhelpful for family relationships and his future life.”

Just unconditional love without ambition is the main guarantee of children's happiness

17. “You need to love a child, like yourself, simply because he was born and exists. And all these ambitions, demands, dissatisfaction with a son or daughter are clear signs of dissatisfaction with oneself, one’s own unsatisfied ambitions and one’s own, excuse me, failure.”

18. “In a conversation with a child (and not only) do not criticize him, do not touch his personality, do not go beyond the analysis of his actions. Talk not about him, but about yourself. Not “you are bad”, but “I think you did something bad.” Use wording: “I don’t like it when you...”, “I would like it if...” Less criticism, more constructive and positive.”

19. “The child should feel that parents are kind but strong people who can protect him, can deny him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.”

The now popular psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky also brings a weighty word to the eternal debates about raising children. How to make children happy?

A happy child can only be raised by a happy parent.

A cheerful, happy child can only grow up with psychologically healthy parents.

Children don't need our sacrifices

Keep your hands off the children. No spanking or slapping

A child is a separate person

Another piece of advice from psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is not to put pressure on children with your ambitions and hopes and let them understand on their own who they are and what they want.

Overprotection

Parents often believe that they know better what their offspring needs. They prohibit what he wants to do and force him to do what is not interesting to him. This is the source of neurosis. We often hear from parents: “You never know what you want,” “There is such a word - you have to.”

If you look at European countries, no one will be surprised if a four-year-old child jumps in a puddle. This will cause us to shout: “Stop it!”

That’s why our children grow up intimidated, their eyes don’t light up. They constantly look around and get scared.

You just need to love your child. Anyone!

So, sort out your own head first - that’s what Labkovsky calls for.

“And don’t forget my 6 rules, because they apply to children too!”

Do what you like
Don't do what you don't like
Talk about what you don't like IMMEDIATELY
Answer only the question
Don't answer when not asked
When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself

Warm, friendly relationships with your own children are perhaps the ultimate dream of any parent. What is needed for this? Just stop patronizing, making endless suggestions and moralizing.

In practice, it turns out that this is easier said than done.

While the child is small, everything goes according to plan: thanks to your efforts, the baby is clean, well-fed, beautiful, walked and gaining weight well. Like any mother, you, of course, are concerned about the questions of when your child will sit down, when he will stand up, when he will walk and when he will speak. This is all, of course, very important, but (and this is the very “but” that crosses everything out)! Anxious mothers cannot simply love, simply rejoice and simply enjoy the fact that the child is there. Anxiety, conflict, anger, feelings of resentment, as well as unhealthy ambitions turn the happiness of motherhood into a burden, clarification of relationships and endless problem solving.

A simple example. Ambitious parents begin to teach their child languages almost from infancy and send them to various sections. The child is organized and results are constantly expected from him. Many parents are upset about school performance: like, our best student should get straight A's. Adults, smart people and, I am sure, people who love their children do not understand that the other side of perfectionism is neuroses, a high level of anxiety, even enuresis and stuttering.

And all a child needs is to be loved, to talk, to laugh and to be there not as a nurse or supervisor, but as a friend. The child repeats everything after you: he will speak faster if you talk to him, he will walk faster if you take part in games, and not sit next to him as silent observers.

Further more. The child grows, and parents begin to organize demonstrative tests of knowledge, scolding the child for incorrect answers and drawing him scary pictures of the future. I think that half of the Russian population has definitely heard about the unenviable fate of the janitor...

Constant conflicts in the family grow from parental complexes, emerging in the phrases “Are you talking to your mother?!” Don’t you respect your father?” Behind this are demands for respect, admiration, and most importantly, unquestioning submission. For children, all these experiments reinforce one idea: you are loved only for something, gifts and praise must be earned. The child carries the burden of your unjustified expectations; he feels that he is not what you dreamed of.

Because of such parental hopes and disappointments, the baby is constantly in a state of stress. Now think about what’s wrong. Look at yourself. If you want your child to start reading, read it yourself! Only this way, only by personal example and nothing else.

Then school begins, and here every parent turns into a teacher, even if he himself is not able to solve the problem for the first grade. All this leads to is your child's tears, your own tantrums, and a damaged relationship. Finally, understand: your child’s knowledge will not increase from your experiments! After your executions, he will be afraid of homework, your questions about school, and generally any disapproval. And this is where he starts to lie. Of course, sooner or later you will understand that he is lying, and further in a circle: we scold, scandal, threaten with the career of a janitor...

Another mistake is this: parents often believe that they know better what their offspring needs. This means they prohibit what he wants to do, force him to do something that is categorically not interesting to him. This is the source of neurosis. Then we treat neuroses and share with our friends our bewilderment as to how this could happen.

The family does not live, but constantly solves problems: choosing a school, killing itself so that the child passes the Unified State Exam. And the child feels bad at this time - crisis, puberty, he suffers from loneliness and misunderstanding. And the last thing he is interested in in such a situation is your hated Unified State Examination.

If you want to “break the system”, learn to love children just like that, without any conditions. Just because you have them. Your child is not you. He's different. He is a different planet, if you like, a different consciousness - and it’s wonderful. Love him, help him become a person.

“But I want what’s best...” you say. And you ask yourself whether your actions lead to your child being happy. Will knowing three languages, being diligent and obedient really make him happy? And most importantly, can a child even be happy when his parents are not happy? Think...

And come to the public consultation in St. Petersburg on August 23 and August 30 in Moscow. Let's talk about all this and, of course, about what worries you personally. It is better to prepare oral questions and notes in advance. Bring children over 12 years old with you - believe me, they have something to say.