If the child is under the influence. What to do if a child succumbs to the bad influence of peers? Think before you do

Many mothers begin to worry when they notice changes in their child’s behavior: if he suddenly becomes withdrawn, taciturn, aggressive, or, on the contrary, apathetic and depressed. In such a situation, it is worth thinking seriously - it is likely that the child is influenced by peers in a negative way. Don’t rush to get upset and force your child to tell you what’s going wrong. Read our article and find out what to do if a child has a bad influence, and what methods should be used carefully.

Your child is not ideal

Many parents believe that the cause of their child's bad behavior is solely due to the bad influence of peers, but this is an incorrect judgment. We cannot perceive a baby as a blank slate on which we display the correct worldview, and “bad” people around only spoil everything. Also, you should not think that your child is an angel, and others are real “fiends of hell”, destroying ideals everywhere.

Mothers tend to “whitewash” their own shortcomings, justifying themselves: “I didn’t raise my child this way, mine is not capable of this!” or “Mine certainly never did anything bad until he made friends with the neighborhood boys.” But is it? Is it really the right way to lock the child under lock and key, to protect him from the negative influence of the environment?

Wow

Let's give an example. The day has come when your baby came home and said out loud such swear words that your ears curl into tubes! The child calmly told him who taught him this (Kolya, Olya, Petya), and, of course, you firmly decide to protect your child from the pernicious influence of the above characters. But not everything is so simple:

• You must understand that there are situations in life from which you cannot completely hide your child. You can't insure against everything.
• That same “negative character” could also not know the meaning of the curse and utter it accidentally, without really realizing anything.
• In general, nothing catastrophic happened, it was just a not entirely unpleasant experience that needs to be interpreted correctly and responded to correctly.

Your child will have to do a lot of stupid things in life. And you won’t be able to protect him from his peers by covering his ears. The most important thing is to explain to him what happened to him. You cannot simply punish a child after uttering swear words or one single wrongdoing and forbid him to communicate with a peer who taught the child bad things. So, your sharp prohibition will entail a different result - unpleasant words and actions will become more attractive to the child, and forbidden meetings with the “bad guy” will take place when you are not there.

What to do

You need to try to explain as simply as possible what exactly the negative connotation of the baby’s offense is. Say: “Well-mannered kids don’t do that, please, you too follow their example, because you’re a good boy (girl)”, “Self-respecting people won’t do that and don’t say these words.” At this moment, you should look trustingly into the child’s eyes, without poking your index finger in the face.

If we talk about bad influences, you should understand that children easily adopt each other’s behavior, and even an entire philosophy of life. Friends, classmates, and neighbor boys can misinterpret actions, for example, say that hitting younger people is cool, stealing is not shameful, a grandfather who slipped is very funny, and only mama’s boys button up their jacket, but those who don’t do this are quite men!

How to respond to such influence

First of all, don’t make mountains out of molehills. Instill in your child the idea that life will be filled with a variety of temptations. The fact is that if an adult is able to independently protect himself from dangers, then the child does not yet have a real idea about them, and therefore “buys” into all the temptations. Patiently explain why the actions he is adopting from his peer are bad, criminal and horrific. Don’t pretend to be a mentor, speak with arguments and facts.

Secondly, understand that those children who are looking for something that is especially lacking are more susceptible to negativity! We are not all perfect parents and we also make mistakes, but we strive to become one.

For example, there is this case: mom is a teacher, dad is a respected engineer. The baby is given a lot of attention and good books are read. But one day the parents learned that their daughter was throwing bags of water at passers-by from the window. It turns out that her friend taught her this hooliganism. All the signs of bad influence are there. But then it turns out that the good girl is constantly being monitored, not allowed to rest, and has no time for childish pranks. So it turns out that due to a lack of activity, the girl was forced to succumb to hooliganism. Parents should have given their daughter more time for entertainment, then she would not have listened to her friend’s destructive suggestions. No adventure would have happened.

Mom opposes

What to do in case of bad influence? For example, your child comes and reports that stealing other people's toys is not bad, and that his friend Sashka does the same. Your task is to explain clearly: “Sashka is doing a bad thing. Imagine that some other boy stole your car, would you be happy? You can't steal. Sashka is probably small, so he doesn’t understand this, but you are already big, and you must understand what is “good” and what is “bad.”

Make sure that the child understands everything, and that now he can find the answer to how to refuse the guys who incite him to do a negative act: “At home they said that you can’t do that,” “I think it would be a bad idea,” and so on.

Now imagine a situation where the source of bad influence is still pursuing your child with his bad ideas.

We give an example of methods that may seem controversial and not entirely ideal to you, but in extreme cases, they are suitable for use:

1. Discuss the issue with the “bad boy’s” parents.

Flaw: they may not believe you, because they probably think that their child is an angel in the flesh, or they may not understand you, since you do not know what level of morality they have and how much they are interested in the behavior of their own baby.

2. Change the location of your walks so that your child is in a different environment.

Flaw: Avoiding unpleasant situations will not solve the problem, because in the end there will be no places left to play in the city.

3. Keep your children's interactions under control, be vigilant, and be there to intervene when it's really needed.

Flaw: such overprotection can have a bad effect on the child: he should have his own space and freedom, knowing that he is not being overheard.

4. Remember that not only peers can have a bad influence on a child, but also older children, and even adults.

For example, you think that the grandmother unnecessarily spoils her grandson and allows him to play video games from morning to night, or quarrels strongly on the phone with a friend while the baby is nearby.

How to proceed? In this case, first of all, talk to your grandmother, explaining that this cannot be done. Of course, do not raise your voice at your relatives, humiliating them in front of the children, as this is fraught with strong grievances.

Communicate with your children, monitor mood swings, delve into their problems, and then you will have fewer problems with your child’s behavior, or even none at all! We wish all parents patience and choose the right course in raising children!

Normal family life does not exclude conflicts and periods of crisis. The eternal conflict between “fathers and sons” becomes especially aggravated as the child enters adolescence. It seems to a young man that he is not understood in his family, especially if his parents do not share his tastes, his life position and spiritual interests. The search begins for “people on the side” who could understand the teenager, provide support, and approve. It is at this moment that the danger of a child falling into a totalitarian sect increases many times over, especially since these organizations conduct targeted work to recruit new members.

It is very easy for a teenager to join a sect. The fact is that the sect welcomes the “neophyte” incredibly cordially, creating the illusion of an absolutely safe and friendly environment. This special technique is called "love bombing." Having won the teenager’s trust, the sect includes him in the following processes of psychological treatment. In this case, one of the main goals is to isolate a person from those close to him, socially significant people who can influence his beliefs. The teenager’s relatives are precisely such people, so the sect deals its first blow to the family. Cult members replace family members. Conditions are created for a person that he is forced to change his relatives, brothers and sisters to “spiritual” ones from the sect, his father and mother to spiritual mentors (teachers, gurus). As a result, the child ceases to perceive his parents as socially significant people, moreover (and not without the help of the sect), he sees in them the causes of his troubles and is able to show aggression and commit immoral acts. Parents who are unable to explain to themselves the reasons for such rapid changes in the child’s personality can aggravate the conflict with their reactions. A feeling of resentment for the actions of a son or daughter, an accusation of ingratitude, will only widen the gap of alienation, and there will be a threat of the teenager leaving the family for a sect.

Please note if your child has:

1. Interests have changed. He is less interested in family affairs, has become indifferent to communicating with friends, has lost interest in studying, and in general in his usual entertainment and hobbies.
2. Behavior has changed. A person reacts inappropriately or aggressively to everyday, familiar things, and shows marked indifference to everything.
3. Speech has changed. You may find that he uses characteristic expressions, words, and terms that are new to him. When proving something, he often cites strange, unusual quotes as examples. The very manner of speaking can give the impression of a “broken record” due to repetitive, as if memorized speeches.
4. Habits have changed. He adheres to an unusual diet for him and has changed his clothing style. He devotes a lot of time to reading books, and also diligently meditates or reads prayer texts.
5. Money spending has changed. There is an unjustified increase in cash costs and pocket expenses (for children).

How to prevent a child from becoming involved in a cult?

1. Talk to your children more often, do not leave them alone with the problems they have.
2. If the child has become withdrawn, talk to him, find out what is bothering him, and if you find out that he has made new friends and goes to some “sermons”, attends sections where he is instilled with hostility towards his family and loved ones , take a vacation and travel with your child away from his new friends.
3. If a conversation with a child does not work out, seek help from a qualified psychologist.
4. If you realized it too late, when your child began to resemble a “zombie,” take him to a clinic where psychotherapists will work with him.
5. Tell your child that he can make any vows he wants, but if he shares them with you, this will not be a violation of them, and you will be able to come to his aid in time.
6. A child always finds himself captive of his fears, and only you can help him step over it.
7. But you don’t need to laugh at your child’s fears; by doing so, you only complicate your work. Be sensitive in your dealings with your children.

If it turns out that a young man or girl has fallen into a destructive cult, the main thing is not to panic! It is worth finding out how long he (she) has been attending the group and how interested he is in it. The longer a child stays in a sect, the deeper his separation from the family will be. Therefore, parents should worry and begin immediately collecting information about the features of the cult and searching for competent specialists (possibly exit consultants), people who have deep professional knowledge and could provide real help.

When communicating with a child, one must avoid confrontation and not criticize the group being visited and its members. Criticizing the cult will lead to negative immediate reactions. The fact is that the personality of a teenager who has been in a sect for a long time undergoes a significant transformation, which is reflected in a neurotic and inadequate response to any negative information about the sect. It is actively repressed from consciousness. If a teenager commits actions that go beyond ethical boundaries, one should have courage and calmly tolerate such behavior. We must understand that this happens due to a deep intrapersonal conflict. It is worth spending more time with the child and more often inviting him to dialogue from the “adult-to-adult” position. You can also show your teen an interest in his cult activities and even ask him to visit the organization with him someday. This will increase his trust in his parents and reduce tension in relationships, and in-depth acquaintance with the group will give him experience of what approaches should be used in communicating with the child. You can also include soft control methods and carefully monitor the funds the teenager spends and the amount of time he spends in the cult.

However, even this type of communication will not lead to a teenager who is completely dependent on the group and emotionally involved in its activities leaving the sect. Without the help of specialists, it is almost impossible to tear a person out of a cult without causing significant damage to his mental health. Therefore, it is worth seeking help from specialists - exit consultants. In this case, it is worth taking into account such factors as: professional education of these people (necessarily psychological), work experience, possible certificates and payment for services.

You need to look for a consultant in your city. If you’re on the Internet, then type in the search “help for victims of religious sects” and the name of your city. If the city is small, then the nearest large center.

Website material used: www.anticekta.ru
Good article

Parents try their best to make sure their child behaves well. He was neat and polite, respected his elders and did not offend his peers. And for the baby, the word of the parents is the ultimate truth. For the time being... Once a child makes his first friends, he begins to absorb their behavior. Everything would be fine, but what to do if this influence is negative?

When a child is sent to kindergarten, he meets a large number of children. Some of them are well-bred, while others are simply uncontrollable and cruel. The baby begins to compare what is allowed to him and what is allowed to other children. Trying to please other children, he falls under the influence of a more active child. And the mother begins to notice that the previously obedient baby has completely changed.

The mother of a three-year-old girl, Marina, shared her concerns on the forum:

I sent my daughter Polina to kindergarten. I picked her up almost at the same time as other mothers, and observed the children’s behavior. One boy, Sasha, was simply unbearable. He ran out onto the road at a traffic light, hit his mother on the leg with his pen and screamed loudly. The picture is terrible. And recently I began to notice the same habits in my Polina. I tell her that she can’t behave like that. And she told me: but Sasha is allowed.

In fact, you can often hear from parents that a company or friend has a bad influence on their child.

Bad Company

Your baby has begun to behave differently than usual. He has become aggressive and does not respond to his parents' requests. And you already realized that it was all the fault of the neighbor’s child.

Here are some tips to help protect your child from bad influences:

Try, at all costs, to remain an absolute authority for the child. The child will try a new behavior model on you. Show that you will not tolerate this behavior again.

Explain to your child that no one else but his new friend behaves this way. There is no need to take an example from him. The way he acts only makes things worse for everyone.

Don't force your child's friends. Firstly, by forbidding him to be friends with someone, you will cause a backlash. And secondly, children must learn to understand people, otherwise it will be very difficult for them in adulthood.

Under no circumstances should you be manipulated by your child. He may throw a tantrum, demanding a new toy, just because his friend got it that way. Let the child understand that nothing will be achieved this way. It is better to buy him this toy after some time as a reward for a good deed.

If possible, try to make friends with your baby's friend. Go for a walk outside the garden, meet his parents. Perhaps you will correct the behavior of someone else's child and make sure that your family will have a positive influence on him.

Give your child the opportunity to find new friends. In the yard or section. The more friends he has, the less negative influence one child will have.

Talk to your child about friendship. What kind of person can you call a friend? Are all his friends like this? How will a true friend behave?

It is difficult for a mother whose child has come under bad influence to restrain herself from lectures and prohibitions. But right now the child needs a trusting relationship. The experience of such friendship will help him to understand people well in the future.

Parents often find out that their son or daughter is in bad company quite late. The child is completely captivated by his new friends and their hobbies. But this often leads to the loss of a child, if not physically, then in communication. As if on an inclined plane, the teenager rolls down very quickly. At school, teachers do not recognize him, he is hidden from his parents, and spends most of his time in solitude.
What to do? Every parent feels helpless in this situation. And, often, parents begin to make the same mistakes: scold, prohibit, set ultimatums and punish with their attention and goodwill.
Every teenager seems to shout: “You don’t understand me, I live the way I want!”
It turns out to be a vicious circle, the eternal question of misunderstanding between fathers and children.
But there is a way out of every situation, you just need to find it, with some effort, and change the current situation.

How can you tell if your child is in bad company?

• you notice that your child listens to different music;
• the teenager begins to avoid you;
• be rude for any reason and hide your eyes;
• he doesn't let you into your personal space;
• performance at school has deteriorated sharply or not very much;
• you noticed strange friends around him;
• there were complaints from teachers or neighbors.

Why are teenagers drawn to bad company?

1. Search for authorities. They are drawn to their peers, to whom they listen more and look for strong authorities among them. For a teenager, authority is not a positive character at all, but more often a negative one.
2. They are attracted by courage and strength, they seek manifestations of strength and side with this strength. Unfortunately, most often, bad company serves as this strong and authoritative example for a teenager. Who else can fight so aggressively against the foundations of the world? Remember, all the revolutionaries were quite young and ambitious people. Because of their age, they want to be brave. For a teenager, the “bad” peers are the brave ones. At this age, they show their courage in very strange ways, for example, being rude to adults, for most of them it’s “Bold” and “Cool, Dude.”
3. Confrontation. They will follow everything extraordinary, those who oppose the foundations and parents, and the entire society.
4. Popularity. Every teenager wants to be popular, yours is no exception. What is talked about most at school and parent meetings, in the classroom among students. Of course, not about excellent students or about some student who won the “Young Artist” competition. The names of rebels are most often heard there. Those who smoke outside the schoolyard, or those who brutally beat their peers, who disrupt classes and come home long after midnight. This popularity is what attracts teenagers.
5. Adoption. "I want to be like everyone else." Teenagers want to feel like they are part of something. To be accepted in the company, because at this age they have a developed sense of “being in the company.” They start smoking for company and for the sake of company, try alcohol, drugs, and sexual relations. They shout to their parents, “I want to be like everyone else.”
6. They want to find themselves in this society. “Don’t stop me from finding myself,” they shout with their actions and attitude.

Where to start the conversation?

1. You need to start a conversation in a relaxed atmosphere. It is better if it is in an atmosphere that is not familiar to you. For example, in a cafe or outdoors.
2. If your relationship with your child is completely lost, wait for your conflict to ease. Start a conversation after you feel your child's affection. This can happen when you give a gift to your child, for example, giving a phone or an item that he has been dreaming about.
3. If you intend to start a conversation about the problem, be calm yourself. Make sure you don't lose your temper and start preaching.
4. Do not use accusations under any circumstances. Don’t say the words: “You’re wrong”, “You got involved in bad company”, “This will end badly”, “I warned you” - such phrases will put an end to your conversation, and the teenager will close himself even deeper in his world.
5. Tell a story from your teenage years. Let it be a negative story about how you came under someone's influence. And be sure to mention what came of it. Ask your child what he would do if he were in your place. In general, let him feel your state at that moment. Thanks to this, the child will understand that you were the same as him, which in turn will encourage you to have a more frank conversation.
6. In a conversation, do not impose your opinion, wait until you are asked for it. Teenagers cannot stand moralizing.

Actions of parents whose child has fallen into bad company

1. Most importantly, be patient. Relationships are a complex process that takes a lot of time.
2. There is one formula or rule that works one hundred percent. “Relationship equals obedience.” The better the relationship between parents and children, the fewer problems with disobedience there will be. Spend more time with your child. If you have lost a relationship, take the first step toward a child. Never give up if your first attempt fails.
3. Be an example yourself. Not a single child will believe you if you teach him one values, but you yourself act according to completely different ones. For example, you say that you can’t smoke, but you smoke yourself, and so on.
4. In any situation, stand up for your child, even if he is wrong. Phrases like “It’s your own fault!” will move your child even further away from you. And as a result, he will look for protection elsewhere, most often this protection, in his opinion, is provided by companies with a dubious reputation.
5. Become a true friend to him. Spend as much time as possible, not in teachings and instructions, but in a relaxed atmosphere.
   Do everything that real friends do:
   • Find a common cause; if you are careful, you will definitely find it. Go to nature or to a cafe;
   • ask your child for advice, yes, exactly advice. The main thing is to do it sincerely. After all, teenagers, like children, can distinguish falsehood from truth in no time;
   • never attack a child after he has revealed his secret to you, do not blame him. Keep secrets;
   • Don't call people names or humiliate them.
6. Never stop him. The forbidden fruit is always sweet. Better try to find the reason why the child wants to go to bad company. As scary as it may be, let your child go.
7. Let your child know that you trust him with everything. This will result in your child starting to trust you and listen to your advice.

How to restore a child’s trust and raise his values ​​in order to protect him from the influence of bad company

1. Accept and love your child unconditionally. It is this kind of love and acceptance that will make your child feel safe. Not finding acceptance at home, the teenager looks for him on the “street”.
2. Develop adequate self-esteem in your child. Teenagers with low self-esteem most often fall under the influence. Those who cannot defend their point of view. So, say “wingmen”. Their need is to be led and told what to do. Of course, parents play an important role in the development of adequate self-esteem. The higher your child's self-esteem, the less likely it is that the child will get lost in other people's opinions. Learn to appreciate your child not for his deeds and actions, but for the fact that he simply exists in your life. Appreciate his personality, his feelings, his character traits, even those that you don't like. For example, slowness.
3. Praise your teenager. Praise was never too much. Use the principle: before scolding, say at least three compliments.
4. Thank him for his help. Make it a rule to thank your teenager for every little thing.
5. Ask him for forgiveness if you are at fault. Do it first.
6. Say kind words and hugs. Teenagers need this, although they hide and are even embarrassed by these manifestations. This is especially true for teenage girls. If dad does not show warm feelings to his daughter, she will go looking for them from other men.
7. Listen always and everywhere, no matter how busy you are. If parents at some point stopped listening to their child, due to being busy, he will find “free ears” on the street. And in the future he will stop contacting you.

All this is actually very strange and to some extent terrible, everything that is happening now to my 10-year-old son.

He always grew up as a cheerful and obedient boy, he studies generally well, although he is lazy at times, he is finishing 4th grade this year, in general, everything went well with us until a certain point, namely, until he made an older “friend” him for 4 years. At first I didn't even know about its existence. This whole story began with the fact that my son stopped doing his homework (I learned this from teachers at a parent-teacher meeting), he began to bring bad marks, all the teachers as one claimed that he had become very absent-minded and inattentive. Conversations with him did not lead to anything, all I heard was childish excuses like: “Come on, mom, just think, I’ll improve.” No, I haven't corrected myself. My son also began to often go out for walks, as he said, “with his classmates,” and then nothing alarmed me; on the contrary, I was glad that he had such friends with whom he spent time almost every day.

But then all the absurdity begins. One day I find out that my son, it turns out, was lying to me: all this time he was hanging out not with his classmates, but with some guy from high school, with whom, in his words, “he is now best friends.” After talking with my son, I only learned that he was from the 8th grade, and they met on some kind of excursion, where almost all the classes of their school were there. To say that I was shocked is to say nothing. To all my questions he answered that everyone in their class was stupid and in general no one understood him better than that boy. Trying to somehow understand this strange situation, I asked my son to introduce me to him, since he is really such a good friend, to which he became very nervous and said that maybe someday, but he doesn’t know the site yet for sure , will it work at all? From the very beginning, nothing but bewilderment aroused me - excuse me, but what can connect a 4th grader and an 8th grader, what common themes can they have? Maybe he’s just mocking him, and his son takes everything at face value? Well, everything turned out to be much worse than I could have imagined.

Just yesterday there was a fatal confession from my son. He left the phone on the table, and there was an open correspondence with that guy, in which they constantly exchanged hearts and other incomprehensible messages. Of course, I immediately demanded an explanation. I saw from my son’s face that he was wildly scared at that moment, but in the end I still managed to get the truth out of him. He said that that boy was already much more than just a friend to him, that he liked him, and was talking some nonsense about them or something like that. And finally the ground went out from under my feet when my son said that that boy on the site “taught him how to kiss like an adult,” and he really liked it, and in general they are almost dating him.

I could barely stand this whole story, my first reaction was, of course, tears and swearing, because this is completely abnormal, my son seems to have become a victim of some kind of juvenile pervert (I didn’t think it was possible to be one, being a teenager, well what else can you call it?), but I overlooked this moment. I’m just going crazy, I can’t tell my husband (although I should), but I’m even afraid to know what will happen to him if he finds out about this. Conversations with his son do not help, this freak has crippled his psyche so much that he no longer understands where the boundaries of what is permitted are and that what they are doing is wild and disgusting.

You are probably my last hope. I really want to return my son to a normal state and not let him ruin his childhood, I want him to grow up as a worthy person and not bother himself with all sorts of nonsense.