Why does a child lie for 10 years? Why do teenagers lie? How to deal with this? Wrong parenting tactics and family problems

• 07.05.2008
• 118711 views

Hello, Ksenia. Our daughter is 10 years old, after the divorce we live together. What to do: tears out pages from notebooks, puts good grades in her diary, doesn’t talk about extracurricular activities, doesn’t write down all her homework, is very lazy, she has to repeat the same request 3-5 times and not always with results. And at the same time very affectionate, cheerful and active in everything that does not concern household chores and studies. How to behave, how to build a conversation, if it would seem that everything has already been explained to her, I don’t hit her, only temporary deprivation of any pleasures, such as: a ban on watching TV, a ban on going for walks, a refusal to buy new stickers, going on vacation, etc. d..

I work a lot, I can’t communicate as much as I would like, I really want to get understanding and help from the child, but in reality there are only words about how much she loves me and a complete lack of actions confirming this. What's my mistake? What am I doing wrong? How can I teach her to take responsibility for her actions and think about the consequences of what she does?

Thank you. Sincerely, Natalia.

Ksenia Shvetsova, psychologist

Hello, Natalia!
First of all, you need to figure out why yours, understand the motives for deception. Here are some reasons why a child starts lying:

1. A lie often serves as a means to make a child’s life easier. Especially if his parents keep telling him “no”
2. Often a lie speaks of what is locked in the child’s soul, what worries and torments him, causes great fear, and perhaps there are problems that need to be solved.
3. Avoids stressful situations.
4. A child may lie if he knows that you are capable of turning a small offense into an “elephant.”
5. By lying, a child avoids punishment. Think about whether your requirements for your child are too high, do they correspond to his capabilities? Don't you humiliate him with constant lectures and moralizing? Does the child have a fear of punishment?
6. A child begins to lie if parents do not pay enough attention to him. And she is trying to attract your attention at any cost. Since you noticed that she lied, it means that you are not indifferent to her. This is childish logic.
7. Children lie to avoid ridicule when they accidentally “fall on their face.”
8. Has a desire to appear better than he really is.
9. can be seen as an attempt to protect your privacy, show your independence, and avoid difficulties. Of course, deception can also be regarded as an attempt to get away with punishment, or an attempt to get something that could not be achieved if they told the truth.
10. Another common reason for children's lies is the fear of disappointing their parents. The child tries to meet expectations. Children are under a lot of pressure to perform well, whether from parents or teachers. Many children also believe that their future depends on good grades. And if they do not meet these expectations, do not do well at school, then the child feels that he has no other choice but to deceive, and then deception functions as a defense mechanism against excessive pressure.

If you want to teach a child to be honest, then you need to be prepared to listen to sometimes the bitter truth from him, and not just the “pleasant” one. If you want your child to grow up honest, you should not allow him to lie about his feelings, be they positive, negative or mixed. Our reactions to the feelings he expresses help him understand whether honesty is truly the best policy.

How lies convey truth. If children are punished for telling the truth, they lie out of self-defense. Sometimes they fantasize, invent something incredible that they lack in everyday life, in reality. Children's lies convey to us the truth about the child's state of mind, about his fears and hopes, about who he would like to become, what he would like to do. To a sensitive listener, a lie will tell what it seems designed to hide. The correct response to a lie should express understanding, and not denial of its true meaning. To help a child draw the line between what is desired and what is actual, it is necessary to use the information contained in the lie. If we find out that our daughter failed her arithmetic test, we shouldn’t ask her: “Well, how did the test go? Oh, good? This time you won't fool me! I talked to the teacher and I know that you wrote the work very poorly.” Instead, you need to tell your child directly: “The teacher told me that you failed your arithmetic test. I’m worried and thinking about how I can help you.”

In short, we should not encourage so-called “defensive lies” or set traps for children. If the child still lies, there is no need to throw a tantrum or lecture. You need to respond in word and deed that realistically reflect the state of affairs. The child must understand that there is no need to lie to parents.

Lies do have many meanings and meanings. White lie. Lies as a way of manipulation. A lie, for the sake of the lie itself, “for the sake of words.” The older the child, the more sophisticated he uses lies. At first almost unconsciously, then quite consciously and calculatedly. And as soon as a lie becomes a tool to achieve a child’s goal, it’s time to call him to account. This is where childhood ends and adult responsibility for one’s words begins.

How to prevent children's lies?

Create an atmosphere in the family in which lying will not be necessary in principle. If a child knows that he can trust his parents with his secrets, his actions are discussed and accepted, and punishment is not used as an educational tool, then a motive for lying may never arise.

Before you angrily stop the deception and expose the liar, try to understand the motives of his action. Even the most serious offense has another side. The child must know that his action does not make him unambiguously bad. An action may be bad, but not a person! You should never speculate on such concepts as I love - I don’t love. “Get out of here, I don’t love you THAT much!” Naturally, next time the child will want to embellish himself in order to earn the love of his mother or father.

Most children's lies stem from the desire to prove to significant others that “I am good.” A schoolboy who lied about losing his diary is afraid not only of his parents’ anger, but also of being accused of worthlessness. “I was an excellent student at your age!” - Grandfather shouts. And the child feels guilty! And lying here turns out to be simply a way of psychological defense.

Teach him to cope with defeat. Many children cheat out of fear of failure. Tell your child how you yourself cope with problems and defeats, so that he can learn this too. Offer an alternative to deception - admitting and correcting your mistakes.

Don't want your child to lie? Be honest yourself!

If parents want to teach their child to tell the truth, then they themselves must first of all:

• Always keep your word. If in some case you cannot fulfill your promise, explain to your child why you cannot fulfill it and apologize.
• If this turns out to be the case, then you yourself lied to the child, explain what caused the lie and be sure to admit the fact of deception.
• Do not expect children to immediately begin to distinguish between the concepts of “white lies” and more serious deception.
• Encourage your child to tell the truth, especially in cases where telling it was not easy.
• Do not impose many rules on your child and do not expect much from him, remember: more rules mean more chances that they can be broken by the child, and more often the child will resort to deception as a means of avoiding punishment.
• Tell your child that you love him even when he lies and that he is a good child, despite the fact that he lied.

If you suddenly discover that a child has lied to you, you should not immediately scream or swear at the child. In such cases, there is nothing better than a calm and reasonable conversation without raised tones. After all, if you start yelling at a child, then most likely you can achieve the opposite: he will begin to deceive even more, just to avoid your censure and punishment. In case of deception, do not pretend that you believed it, but calmly explain that your child is making up things, and this is obvious. Your children's fantasies are not deception as such. After all, children themselves are born into this world as pure as a white sheet of paper. The blots and crooked slope of the letters are up to you. If you see that a child has begun to use lies for his own benefit, that is, for selfish purposes, you should think about it. This means there is a gap in your relationship with your child. Analyze the situation and try to find out the reasons for the lies. The child simply won’t lie; the circumstances force him to do so. And if the parent does not fall into “angry curses”, but treats the child with understanding and tenderness, the positive result will be obvious.

Deception cannot be completely eradicated; you can simply explain to the child: “what is good and what is bad.” In this case, the example of the parents themselves is very important. Therefore, before asking your child to answer the phone with the phrase “mom is not at home,” think about the consequences. Don't forget to talk to your children about this topic more often. Tell them different stories about yourself, your parents and ask questions. The answers will show how the child would act in such a situation. Also help children learn “polite lies.” Exactly when you don’t have to tell the truth. For example, your child is given a gift. He doesn’t like the thing, and he says: “I didn’t want such a toy,” thereby offending the person who gave it. In such a situation, you should say thank you and hold back your emotions.

What to do?

Understand the reason for the lie and analyze it. Think about how you can change the situation and what needs to be changed in yourself (parents, child) to solve this problem.

Most likely, many mothers and fathers have had to face the fact that their child does not always tell the truth. Children enjoy embellishing their stories a little and imagining things. Parents are worried: why do children lie? And if you don’t pay attention to this, then an incorrigible liar may grow up in the family. Our article is about how to stop a child from lying. You will also learn what to do if a child is lying, and read useful advice from a psychologist.

Where does deception begin?

Children's lies: norm or deviation?

It is interesting that some psychologists consider children's lies to be the norm and do not consider them as a negative phenomenon. From what? In the first years of life, a child develops rapidly, receiving a large flow of varied information: he processes it, learns to use it daily. He begins to understand what is reality and what is fiction. When developing speech, the baby relies on his logical thinking. He forms a certain impression about the world around him, and what he cannot find an explanation for, he completes using his imagination.

Little children begin to be cunning when adults forbid something. This is where logic kicks in again and the kid thinks: “If this is not possible, then if I say something else, will it be possible?” And the child begins to select options on how to get what is forbidden. This is where the deception begins.

“As a child grows up, a child’s innocent lies can develop into the habit of getting what he wants through deception, and this is no longer good.”

The main reasons for children's lies

Children lie for a variety of reasons.

Among the main reasons for children's lies are the following:

• desire to get what parents forbid
• desire to appear better than he really is
• fear of punishment
• self-justification
• improvement of social status
• contradiction of the child's expectations
• lies of a pathological nature.

Let's consider each of the reasons separately in order to understand what to do in this or that case.

The desire to get what parents forbid

How does this happen?“Dad let me take the candy!” (and dad wasn’t even at home). “I didn’t know what time it was, so I was late home,” etc.

What should I do? If in your family the word “impossible” is repeated more often than others, then the child will be forced to defend his rights and interests with the help of lies. It is better to reconsider your prohibitions and reduce their number. Leave those related to the child’s safety, his diet and dietary traditions, as well as some educational issues. Having gained a little more independence, the child will feel freedom and will develop a sense of responsibility for his actions. In addition, explain to the child that what he wants can be obtained through other means, for example, by asking and explaining why he needs it, as well as by following the rules outlined by the parents.

The desire to appear better than one really is

How does this happen? A child may begin to talk about his extraordinary strength, dexterity, intelligence, courage, endurance, although it will be clear to adults: he is trying to pass off wishful thinking.

What should I do? How to treat this - as a lie or as a fantasy? This symptom is very alarming. The child lies to interest his parents. Why? Maybe he doesn’t have enough warmth, affection, attention, love, interest, or real support. One of the main tasks of parents is to stimulate the development of their child’s abilities and explain that each person has his own talents. Some are good at skateboarding, some sing or dance great, and some know everything about the Egyptian pyramids or space. So you need to develop and show your real abilities, and then no one will consider you a liar or a braggart.

Fear of punishment

How does this happen? If a child understands that for accidentally breaking a cup he can be deprived of something good or, worse, beaten, he will try his best to hide the “traces of the crime.”

What should I do? By punishing the child too often and severely, parents provoke his desire to avoid them in any way. It’s better to make decisions about punishment after the fact: if you broke it - you need to remove it, if you broke it - you need to fix it, you got a bad mark - you need to study and fix it. This will be fair, since such an attitude will not offend the child’s dignity, as a result of which he will not want to resort to deception.

Self-justification

How does this happen? Sometimes a child realizes that he has done a bad thing, begins to mutter something, say a lot of things, tries to explain himself in order to justify himself, for example: “He started it first!” After which a story is given about how the offender started first, what offenses he caused, etc. Note that the “offender” tells a similar story.

What should I do? Such lies are the most difficult to eradicate. This lie, like a stain remover, is designed to bring the “victim’s” self-esteem back to normal. Try to make it clear to your child that you still love him, even if he was the one who “started it first.” Discuss what happened on a friendly note, and then there will be less deception.

Improved social status

How is it happening?Sometimes d Children tend to invent simply incredible stories about their parents: about their wealth, about toys that are given in tons, about trips to distant countries, about how dad appears on TV almost every day. These dreams of a better existence indicate the child’s dissatisfaction with his social status. A child can understand such things already at 3-4 years old, and at 5 years old he will already have a good understanding of who is rich and who is poor.

What should I do? If the child’s deception is “status”, you need to think about whether it is possible to give him at least part of what he so dreams of? Maybe not “just like that,” but so that the child puts in a little of his own effort. Regarding “greedy” preschoolers who uncontrollably want to get all the toys on earth, explain that this is unrealistic, but it is possible to receive good gifts from time to time.

Conflicting child's expectations

How does this happen? Let's say a girl loves to draw, and her mother sees her as a musician; the boy wants to enroll in a radio club, and his dad sees him as a talented translator. While their parents are away from home, they draw and design, and then lie that they were diligently studying music or English. Or a child with quite average abilities, whom his parents want to see as an excellent student, talks about the bias of his teachers, justifying his low level of success.

What should I do? Unfortunately, it happens that the expectations of parents are a heavy burden for children. This is an alarming symptom. Think about whether your expectations contradict the child’s inclinations and interests? It is dishonest to force him to show abilities and achieve goals instead of you (in accordance with your unfulfilled childhood dreams), “for you in childhood.” Understand that your child is on his own path, and if you create favorable conditions for the development of what he does best, there will be less deception.

Pathological children's lies occurs infrequently, and it requires consultation with specialist psychologists in each individual case.

Lies of children of different ages

It is difficult to distinguish lies from fantasy in preschool children.

“Children can lie for the first time when they are 3-4 years old. And at the age of 6 years, the child will already clearly understand that he is deliberately lying.”

Let's see how children's lies manifest themselves at different ages:

4-5 years. Preschoolers can confuse reality with a fictional world, so they wishful thinking - these are the features of their development. The lies of children of this age cannot be perceived as the opposite of the truth. It's more of a fantasy.

7-9 years old. In the minds of younger schoolchildren, a line between the real and the fictional world already appears. Children experiment with the possibilities of lying, knowing that what they are saying is not true. Parents should know that behind frequent lies there may be more serious problems that are better understood.

How to teach a child to be honest

If you notice that your child is trying to use lies for his own benefit, think about what the problem is and how to eradicate it.

"Advice. There is no way to do without prohibitions in education, since permissiveness is not a way out of the situation.”

How to explain to a child that any lie is a bad quality?

1. If you notice that your child is trying to use lies for his own benefit, think about what the problem is and how to eradicate it. In this case, it is necessary to analyze the situation and find out the reasons for dishonesty. After all, children usually don’t lie just like that: their circumstances provoke them to do so. By calmly understanding the reasons for the lie, it will not be difficult for the parent to achieve a positive result.
2. You need to talk with your child more often on topics of good and evil, analyzing various situations, using examples of children's films and cartoons, and fairy tales.
3. Showcase your positive example. For example, when dad is at home and you say on the phone that he is not there, you show your child that lying is not a bad thing.
4. Tell your child that there is a “polite lie,” which involves treating people tactfully in order not to offend them (for example, when you didn’t like a birthday present).

Watch a video about manifestations of children's lies and ways to eradicate them

Useful advice from a psychologist will help you organize the educational process correctly:

1. Don't punish people for cheating. Your indignation and screaming will only tell your child that the lie should be hidden more strongly. At the same time, the child will not stop lying, but will only become more secretive.
2. Learn to distinguish between children's fantasies (which can be useful) and lies. Children are prone to inventions. If you hear them more often than you would like, try to diversify your child’s leisure time.

A child will be honest if he is confident that his parents will never humiliate him.

A child will be honest if:

• will be sure that his parents will never humiliate him
• will not be afraid of the anger of dad and mom or be rejected by them
• will know that he will be supported in a difficult situation and given good advice
• will be confident that if they punish it, it will be fair
• will know that in a controversial situation his parents will be on his side
• will be sure that there is trust in the family.

Do you want your child to be honest? Make truth a cult in your family. Praise your child for being honest. It is better to teach a child not to lie than to punish him all the time.

Many parents periodically catch their children telling lies. Kids tend to come up with different stories, embellish facts and fantasize. If you do not respond to this in any way, the child will continue to lie at an older age and will grow up to be a pathological liar. How to wean a child from lying? Take the advice of psychologists - they will help you establish a trusting relationship with your son or daughter and make sure that your child always tells you the truth.

Children's lies - normal or pathological?

According to a number of psychologists, the tendency to lie is a normal stage of child development. Everything that a baby sees, hears and feels in the first years of life is new and incomprehensible to him. A child has to process a lot of information and learn to use it every day.

For an adult it is obvious what is fact and what is fiction, but a child has yet to understand this. His logical thinking is at the stage of formation. Therefore, the baby sincerely believes in Santa Claus, the old woman and the fairy tales that his parents tell him. If a child cannot understand or explain something, he uses his imagination. At certain moments, reality and fantasy mix with each other. As a result, parents catch the child in a lie, although the child himself is sincerely confident that he is telling the truth.

It’s another matter if children consciously begin to lie. This usually happens if adults forbid something to a child. In this case, the kid begins to think about how to achieve what he wants, and the most obvious way is to cheat. Children’s logic is something like this: “If it’s not possible this way, then it will be possible if I say it differently.” Therefore, children begin to deliberately lie and manipulate adults. It is important for parents to take action in time, otherwise innocent children's deception will turn into a habit of always achieving what they want with the help of lies.

Reasons for children's lies

Children often tell lies because they mistake their fantasies for reality. However, children's lies can be quite conscious. There are a variety of reasons for this, including:

• the desire to get what parents prohibit;
• lack of attention from parents or the desire to appear better than he really is;
• fear of punishment for wrongdoing;
• self-justification;
• dissatisfaction with living conditions;
• failure to meet parental expectations;
• pathological lie.

Let's take a closer look at the reasons for children's lies to make it easier for parents to understand what is happening to their child.

The desire to get what parents forbid

Example: The child has already eaten sweets, but wants more. He tells mom that dad allowed him to take candy (even though he hasn’t come home from work yet). “I didn’t know how long it was, so I was late home”... etc.

Solution to the problem: stop banning everything. Kids begin to lie if they constantly hear the word “impossible,” because this causes protest. Therefore, they try to use lies to defend their interests. Review the prohibitions, reduce their number and leave only those that directly relate to the child’s health, safety, educational issues, regime, and food traditions. Only if you give your child more independence will he be able to learn to take responsibility for his actions. It wouldn’t hurt to tell your child that you can get what you want not only through deception. Tell him that you just need to ask for the same toy, explaining why it is so needed. In addition, the child must understand that it is important to behave well - then adults will reward him for his obedience.

Lack of attention from parents or the desire to seem better than he really is

Example: the child began to seriously talk about his superpowers - incredible strength, dexterity, intelligence, courage, endurance - although for an adult it is obvious that the child is trying to pass off wishful thinking.

Solution to the problem: How should parents feel about this? What about lies or what about fantasy? If the baby is lying and trying to pass off wishful thinking, this is an alarming signal. It indicates that the child is looking for ways to interest close people, which means he lacks warmth, affection, attention and support from his parents. Let your baby feel your love. Give your child more attention and develop your child's abilities. Explain that each person has his own talents. Some are good at skateboarding, some sing or dance great, and some know everything about the Egyptian pyramids or space. So you need to develop and show your real abilities, and then no one will consider you a liar or a braggart. Read books and children's encyclopedias with him, go for walks, and communicate. Take your child to some club or sports section. This way he will develop his real abilities, become more self-confident and be able to brag about his real achievements.

Fear of punishment for wrongdoing

Example: the child broke a vase and is trying to shift the blame onto the cat or younger brother so that he is not scolded, deprived of something good, or, worse, beaten.

Solution to the problem: Be calmer in your relationship with your baby, punish him only for serious offenses, but not too harshly. If a child is shouted at for the smallest offense, threatened with spanking, constantly deprived of sweets and watching TV, he begins to be afraid of his own parents. By punishing the child too often and severely, parents provoke his desire to avoid them in any way. Make decisions based on the fact: if your child breaks a cup, let him clean it up; if he offends someone, let him apologize; if he breaks a toy, let him try to fix it himself; if he gets a bad mark, he needs to study and fix it. These conditions are fair. They do not insult the dignity of a little person, so the need for lies disappears by itself.

Self-justification

Example: the child did something bad and tries his best to justify himself - he babbles something incomprehensible, finds thousands of excuses, blames other people to justify himself and tells how much he was offended (“He started it first”). After which a story is given about how the offender started first, what offenses he caused, etc. Note that the “offender” tells a similar story.

Solution to the problem: support your child in any situation and discuss with him everything that happens in his life. Children's lies aimed at self-justification are very difficult to eradicate. Pride does not allow the child to admit he is guilty, so he looks for ways to whitewash himself. Talk to him softly and friendly, explain that you will not stop loving him, even if he was the first to take away another boy’s toy or get into a fight. When a child is confident that his parents will support him in any situation, he will begin to trust them more.

Dissatisfaction with living conditions

Example: the child began to invent incredible stories about his parents, that his parents were very rich, constantly giving him toys, taking him to the sea, to distant countries, that his dad was often shown on TV. These dreams of a better existence indicate the child’s dissatisfaction with his social status. A child can understand such things already at 3-4 years old, and at 5 years old he will already have a good understanding of who is rich and who is poor.

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Solution to the problem: try to at least sometimes fulfill the child’s wishes and fight. Already at the age of 3-4 years, children begin to realize that people differ in social status, and by the age of 5, a clear understanding of wealth and poverty comes. In kindergarten there is always a child who was given more gifts for his birthday, who spent the summer with his parents more interestingly. This causes envy, and the baby begins to voice his dreams, passing them off as reality.

If a child is lying because he considers himself worse than other children due to his lower social status, look for an opportunity to give him at least part of what he dreams of. Maybe not “just like that,” but so that the child puts in a little of his own effort . Regarding “greedy” preschoolers who uncontrollably want to get all the toys on earth, explain that this is unrealistic, but it is possible to receive good gifts from time to time.

Failure to meet parental expectations

Example: the girl loves to draw, and her mother sees her as a musician; the boy wants to enroll in a radio club, and his dad sees him as a talented translator. While their parents are away from home, they draw and design, and then lie that they were diligently studying music or English. Or a child with quite average abilities, whom his parents want to see as an excellent student, talks about the bias of his teachers, justifying his low level of success.

Solution to the problem: Unfortunately, it happens that the expectations of parents are a heavy burden for children. Often adults want their children to do something that they couldn’t do. Think about whether your expectations contradict the child’s inclinations and interests? It is dishonest to force him to show abilities and achieve goals instead of you (in accordance with your unfulfilled childhood dreams), “for you in childhood.” For example, a mother could not become a translator, and now she is forcing her son to learn a foreign language. These expectations may not correspond to the baby's interests. Parents should listen to the wishes of their children. Not wanting to upset a loved one, the child will begin to lie and dodge, but still will not achieve success in an unloved activity. It’s better to let your child go his own way - then there will be less deception in your family.

Pathological lies

Example: the child constantly uses lies for selfish purposes - he lies that he did his homework in order to be allowed to go out, shifts the blame onto someone else in order to avoid punishment, etc.

Solution to the problem: specialist help is required. Pathological lying is a fairly rare phenomenon in childhood. If a child constantly deceives, tries to manipulate others, then he needs to be shown to a psychologist. He will help you choose a solution for your specific case.

How does lying manifest itself in children of different ages?

Parents may hear the first lie from their 3-4 year old children. By the age of 6, the child is already aware of his actions and understands that he is lying. However, in general, it can be difficult to understand whether the child is lying consciously or really believes what he came up with.

As a child grows up, the motives that push him to cheat also change:

4-5 years. Children of this age have a wild imagination. They still believe in fairy tales, magic and often confuse reality with the fictional world. Often preschoolers lie unconsciously - they simply wishful thinking (these are the features of their development). Therefore, what a child says at 4-5 years old cannot be regarded as a lie. You need to treat this as a fantasy.

7-9 years old. At this age, all a person’s actions and words become conscious. Schoolchildren are already able to draw the line between their fantasies and reality. They begin to deceive intentionally, exploring the possibilities of lies, using them for their own purposes. If a child begins to lie often, parents should be wary. Serious problems can be hidden behind constant lies.

How to explain to a child that lying is bad?

Children's lies are a problem that needs to be eliminated. If you notice that your child is trying to use lies for his own benefit, first of all you need to analyze the child’s behavior, talk frankly with him and try to understand the reason for the dishonesty. After all, children usually don’t lie just like that; certain circumstances always push them to do so. Once you understand them, you can find a way to stop children's lies.

Use the following tips to convey to your child that deceiving other people is not good:

1. Talk to your child more often, discuss topics of good and evil. Examples include situations from movies, cartoons, and fairy tales. The child must understand that happiness, success and luck accompany positive heroes, and good always defeats evil.
2. Prove the inadmissibility of lying by personal example. If dad, while at home, asks mom to answer the phone and say that he is not there, the child develops a loyal attitude towards lies. Do not allow such situations, demand honesty from your household.
3. Tell your child that there is a “polite lie,” which involves treating people tactfully in order not to offend them (for example, when you didn’t like a birthday present).

1. Distinguish between fantasy and deception. Remember that preschoolers often have a blurred line between fiction and reality. If your child’s imagination is too active, perhaps he simply has nothing to do - diversify the child’s leisure time.
2. Don't punish people for cheating. Your screams, indignation and scandals will only tell the child that the lie should be hidden more strongly and, as a result, will lead to the fact that the child will not stop lying, but will only begin to hide his lies better.

For the need to lie to disappear, the child must be sure that close people:

• trust him and each other;
• they will never humiliate him;
• will take his side in a controversial situation;
• will not be scolded or rejected;
• will support you in any difficult situations and give good advice;
• If they punish you, it will be fair.

It is better to teach a child not to lie than to punish him all the time. Do you want your child to be honest? Make truth a cult in your family. Praise your child for being honest.

We also read:

Video plot: a child is lying. What to do?

Children's lies - an interview with child psychologist Alexandra Bondarenko

In this regard, for them there is often no clear boundary between truth and fiction.
However, after about 6 years of age, children can clearly distinguish fact from fiction. As a result, if a child cheats, he knows that he is telling false information.
Many sources of pressure can force a child to lie. Most often, if a child grew up in a loving, trusting family, the first time he will lie is when he is faced with the fact that he has done something wrong, for fear of upsetting his parents or being punished. Already feeling guilty, the child will try to protect himself from what he thinks is a harsh disciplinary punishment.
In many cases, parents whose children lie have inflated behavioral requirements and expectations for the child. Such children clearly know the difference between what is right and what is wrong, and when faced with a difficult situation, they try not to lose their dignity.
Sometimes children lie when they are under intense pressure to meet demands that are impossible for them to meet. For example, teenagers who are having a hard time at school and are struggling with their studies may feel depressed and lie about having completed their homework. In such situations, the lie must be related to events surrounding the child.
Remember: lying indicates that the child realizes that he did something wrong. By trying to protect himself from the reaction of upset parents and their condemnation, the child thereby shows that he has a conscience. Parents who are overly negative may unwittingly put their child in a situation where he or she must lie again and again to protect himself.
Children in their mid-teens may also be confused by the fact that there is a double morality in the home about lying - this means that in principle lying is forbidden in the house, but parents sometimes use "white lies", twisting the truth for their own convenience. Such actions confuse children who have always been expected to be honest, and now they hear one of their parents using so-called “white lies” when talking on the phone or with neighbors. It is difficult for children - maximalists at this age - to grasp the barely perceptible line in such situations.

Most often, children lie for three main reasons: the desire to be socially significant, the desire to offend someone, and out of fear of the consequences of the truth.
It is up to adults to ensure that the period of lying is minimal; it needs to be nipped in the bud by unraveling all the knots of the problem. To do this, you need to figure out why the child is lying and why. What makes him do this? What benefits does he derive? Is his lie an attack or a defense, is he attacking or defending?
Let's try to understand why children distort the truth so easily.

This is not a lie: it is a fantasy. One type of childhood fantasy is the expression of desire. The child's fantasies are real. They express the desired thoughts. This is how a five-year-old child tells his friend about a trip to Disneyland, where he has never been. “Why is he telling a lie,” you think. - What happened to him?" He doesn't lie (at least by children's standards), he talks about his desires. Not only does thinking about what he wants allow the child to dream, it impresses his friends and raises his social status. “Did you really play with Mickey Mouse?” - ask admiring friends. Children come up with fantastic stories, knowing that they always have an audience of listeners.
If two children tell stories, it's not a lie. This stage will pass by the age of seven or nine, when imaginative thinking begins to wane and peers become less trusting. (If this continues after age nine, you may have difficulty communicating with peers or need the attention of a psychologist.) You overheard a child talking about his fictitious trip to Disneyland: “We went to Disneyland on my birthday...” Don’t say him a liar. This is an offensive attack. Instead, while respecting his dreams, say, “You want to go to Disneyland. That would be nice. Now, tell us what you really did on your birthday.” The child knows that you understand everything and are not angry. He will also understand that there is no need to make things up. “You want to go to Disneyland. Perhaps I can help your wish come true. Let's plan a trip...” - this. will calm the child and he will know that some dreams come true.

Fantasy and reality."I did not do it. Toby did it." Who is Toby? The child's imaginary friend is a tiger who broke a glass.
A preschool child confuses reality and fiction. This is fine. Children often create imaginary symbols and love to live in a make-believe world. Appreciate your preschooler's creative thinking and enjoy this ability. Imagine with your child. Sometimes children come to see me with their imaginary friends. I set up an extra chair for an invisible companion and even do a quick survey. We laugh together. For children, the world is not only reality, but also what they need or dream about. Imaginative thinking actually helps a child cope with the real world. Children periodically retreat into their fantasy world, which they can control, as a way of coping with the real world, which they cannot control. If your child lies and makes his imaginary friend the scapegoat (“Toby the Tiger did it”), play along: “Tell me in detail how Toby broke the glass.” Since the child will tell details to divert suspicion from himself, he will quickly become a participant in the incident. Think about why the child made up this whole story to hide the truth. Are you overreacting to incidents or experiments?
Respect your child’s creative thinking and be understanding of his fantasies.
“It’s easier for you when you say that Toby broke the glass. I understand. Now tell me what really happened. I won't be angry with you." Convince your child that the truth will not cause harm, so there is no need to create a legend. You will love and accept him no matter what he says. Sometimes a story told by a child reflects something that is missing in his real world. The mother of a six-year-old girl consulted me about her “writing.” The daughter told her friends funny stories that happened when she stayed with her dad: trips to the toy store, airplane flights, horseback riding, and so on. The truth was that she rarely saw her dad. He traveled a lot, and even when he was at home, his thoughts were only connected with work. This child formed his fantasy world for self-defense, to protect his growing self-awareness from loss.

Convenient catering. Children want to please their parents, so they sometimes resort to lies, believing that they are doing the right thing. A mother asks a five-year-old child: “Have you cleaned up your house?” and receives an affirmative answer because the child wants the mother to smile and thank him. Later, when she discovers that the work (or most of it) is still unfinished, she should explain to the child that lying causes more dissatisfaction than disorder. A seven year old will answer "Yes" to this question because he doesn't want to bother himself at this time and have to go clean up the mess. Eventually he will understand that mom is going to go check. He must understand that his tactics will not work. He is responsible for keeping toys organized by putting them away every night before bed. This is a family rule.

Lying for convenience. This is a common form of lying among older children. Lying about grades is a common example. Nine-year-old Sharon's parents demanded that she get good grades. Sharon thinks their love and approval are dependent on her performance and is afraid to tell the truth. Her bad grade would displease her parents, so she tells them she got a high score. She justifies her fiction by saying that upsetting parents is worse than telling the truth. Sharon felt uncomfortable lying to her parents. However, her deception did not work. Wise and caring parents realized why their child was lying about her grades and stopped pressuring her. One of the most important educational moments is for the child to understand that he is loved and dear.

Lying for self-defense. Children make up tall tales to defend themselves for fear of punishment. Children who are often punished defend themselves by becoming habitual liars. If a child knows that breaking a vase will cause anger, he reasons that it is better to lie. The same thing happens to children who receive serious punishment for minor offenses. This inappropriate punishment can hinder the child's development of conscience and positive qualities. Children who are afraid of punishment will say anything to avoid it.
We helped our children overcome their fear of telling the truth by saying, “We promise we won't get angry. No matter what you did, tell us the truth, although you will still have to face the consequences. However, if we find out that you are deceiving us, serious and deserved punishment will follow.”
One day, someone left Erin's bike on the road. She told me Matthew did it because he was the last one to skate. To determine who did this, I turned to my son, convincing him that I would not be angry if he told the truth: “Matthew, you know that I am not angry for the truth, I am angry for the deception.” If a child is afraid of the consequences that come after telling the truth, he may become a habitual liar. When your child trusts you, he will be able to tell you honestly what happened. Listen calmly, be fair, and help him correct his behavior. The best way against lying is to support your child when he tells the truth.

A child who lies a lot. Sometimes the “making up” that is normal in childhood develops into purposeful lies that can become commonplace. The child intends to deceive. The root cause is an angry child who is dissatisfied with real life and is afraid of the parents' reactions. This is not due to ordinary awkwardness or misunderstanding. They just told him he was bad.
Seven-year-old Charlie's father disappeared from his life when he was six years old. To protect himself from reality, Charlie created a fantasy world with wonderful stories of father and son. Gradually he found that the fantasy world was more comfortable than the real world. And by the age of eight, he routinely and openly lied about other things: where he went after school, where he got a new thing. Lying became his way of life, a defense against his own anger; Correction from lying helped Charlie learn to cope with real life problems. Therapy helped him understand that his father would not return. It wasn't his fault. His mother supported him and, listening, guided his son’s actions. Charlie signed up for the football section, and the coach showed special interest in him. Soon the lie became an unpleasant memory of the past.

How to tell if a child is being dishonest
In most cases, you can find out about a child’s dishonesty even without words, only by his behavior. Facial expressions usually convey the child’s state very eloquently. However, some children are very secretive, and even astute parents have to face challenges. Try our tips: Is your child deliberately avoiding eye contact when telling a story? (This sign is especially significant if he tends to make eye contact.) Watch his movements. If he is relaxed, calm and open, most likely the baby is telling the truth. Children need trust.
Find out the details. If, with a large number of details, the child's story becomes more vague, one may suspect a lie. If each time he tells a story, the main points of which are different, such a story is suspicious. Is he acting unusual? Does he have reasons to lie, not tell the truth? If a child is at all afraid of you, he is determined to lie.
The same principles can be used to find out the history of the appearance of some thing or object in a child. Your child cannot definitely explain how he got these toys? Does your child have a suspicious look that the parent recognizes immediately? When the story doesn't ring true or the price of the toy is beyond the child's means, suspect theft. If a child, out of love for his parents, gives an expensive necklace without a clear explanation, you have reason to suspect that the goods were obtained dishonestly. In most cases, if parents and children are in close contact, the child will feel that you know everything.

Parents' actions

If you discover that your child has lied, tell him or her immediately that you know he or she was lying. Severe punishments, as a rule, do not work in such cases. Instead, use your words and behavior to demonstrate the following:

• “I want you to tell me only the truth, and I will always tell the truth to you - so we can always trust each other.”
• "You'll have a lot less trouble if you tell the truth instead of lying."

Also remember that your own actions and the rule of telling the truth are the most important ways in which you can teach your child to be honest.

When to contact specialists

A child who consistently lies for a long time should be seen by a counselor or mental health specialist or taken to a children's clinic. Chronic liars often have previously had difficulty establishing the true consciousness that helps a child clearly determine what is right and what is wrong. Such children may also call for help due to unfavorable conditions at home or outside.

Deception

Children cheat. But, like lying and theft, “deception” is a category of adults that is poorly understood by a child under seven years of age. Deceiving an adult is akin to lying or stealing. But a child who creates his own attitudes as he grows does not yet understand why the rules are unchanged. Even a six year old can understand "fair play." Explain to your child that you cannot lie because it is unfair to other children. Ask him how he would feel if he acted honestly and his friends didn't. Please note that children between six and nine years old often bend the rules in their favor. There is no problem with changing the rules as long as all players agree to them before the game begins. This type of rule change adds creativity to an ordinary (or boring) game.
An older child who cheats at school needs close parental attention. Does your child lie without remorse? Children are often forced to lie to resist parental pressure or to increase their authority in the class. The desire to please parents can also provoke deception. The temptation to cheat is especially strong in children with weak character, who often compare their successes with the achievements of others. If the child's achievements are higher, he is a winner; if not, you're a loser. Therefore, he must win, even if it means cheating.
You must help your child avoid the temptation to cheat at home and at school. Be careful when applying the right educational pressure to your child. Too weak and the child will become sad and lazy. Too strong and he may cheat to achieve the desired results. Try to find a balance that suits your child. We explained to our children that good grades make them feel confident and are one (but not the only) key to success. But they need good grades first of all, and then to please us.
Based only on the quality and quantity of work done, they can achieve their own goals. We will be satisfied if they sincerely try - no one can demand more.

Guilt
Much of this book is devoted to how to raise sensitive children who are attentive to themselves and their actions. Children should feel sad when they act badly and feel remorse if they have committed a crime. This is a healthy feeling of guilt that helps the child do the right thing and correct the wrong actions.
One day we heard a window break in our house. When we went out into the front garden, eight-year-old Matthew came up to us. He heard us calling the neighbor's boy, since he was the only one who was nearby at that time. However, we realized that Matthew was the culprit. It was very difficult for him to admit this, but still the degree of trust that existed between us did not allow him to hide the truth.

“Once I was at a children’s camp at sea. I was 12 then. Next to me there were absolutely strangers, to whom you could tell everything you wanted. It felt good to spice up my life a little. My dad was an outstanding physicist instead of an ordinary employee of the institute. I turned our one-room apartment on the outskirts of the city into a huge three-ruble apartment in the center. The process of lying fascinated me so much that I couldn’t stop” - Sergei told us this story, he is now 35, but it is before his eyes as if it happened a week ago. “Writing like this helped me become more confident, added social status to me, and temporarily “improved” my life.”

Sometimes a child lies not out of self-interest or fear, but because of an excess of imagination. He wants to present his life to others as more interesting, fabulous, meaningful

Often, lying helps solve some of the child’s psychological problems. By changing the world in this way, he learns to understand internal relationships and laws. By resorting to lies, children cope more easily with difficult moments in life, become more confident and happier.

Reasons for lying

All children lie sooner or later. Some lie more often - often these are children who are insecure. Why do children most often use lies? Most often, a child lies in order to increase his “worth” in the eyes of peers and elders or to avoid punishment. Beneath the seemingly superficial manifestations of lies there are deep internal problems, the solution of which requires great tact and a special approach from parents. The author of several books on the psychology of children, psychologist Lawrence Kutner, names 5 main reasons underlying lies.

Fear of punishment

Often the reason for parental punishment is inflated expectations for children. Punishment frightens children; they try to “protect themselves” with lies. A five-year-old child is not yet able to clean up after dinner or neatly fold his bed without a reminder. Then when the mother asks if the baby has cleaned everything, he replies that everything is in order, although in fact he has not done it yet. Now it is clear why excessive demands on children are harmful - they develop in them the ability to lie. The Five-Year Plan cannot yet defend its position on its own. The child lies to adapt to living conditions.

Increasing self-esteem is another common goal of “liars.” Children try to elevate themselves in the eyes of their classmates and become a step higher through deception. To put it simply, the kids lie that they recently met a popular singer or a famous football player. Liars often exaggerate in their stories about their parents' income and wealth. This kind of boasting is quite common and moms and dads shouldn't worry about it. If a child lies more and more often in order to add status to himself, then it is worth discussing this issue with him and finding out what the reason for such deception lies - perhaps his comrades ridicule him or simply do not pay attention to him.

Protest

An overly strict authoritarian regime in the family is another common reason for lying. When a child turns 10-12 years old, he feels that he is subject to the authority of his parents and is forced to tell them everything, which means that his task is to begin to deceive in order to isolate himself and assert himself.

Setting Personal Boundaries

With age, a teenager feels the need for independence. He needs personal space, and parents who try to get into these personal boundaries receive lies and concealment from their child. The desire to be alone is especially noticeable when a child, in response to an adult’s question, lies and accompanies this with rudeness and rudeness.

Family problems

Regular lies indicate problems in the family. Lies can be aggravated by theft and vandalism. If a child deliberately wants to ruin the things of loved ones, then he expresses his cry for help, which speaks better than all words. In a family on the verge of divorce, such outbursts of aggression are very often noticeable. Stealing something from parents or ruining a necessary thing are ways to unite a collapsing family and reconcile parents, at least for a short time. The child does this unconsciously, but these actions clearly express his needs.

When do children start lying?

• Up to 3-5 years

For a child, the difference between fiction and reality is not yet obvious. Often he presents his fantasies as a real fact - deception is part of the development of the psyche. In this case, this is not untrue, but simply fiction. Let your child have plenty of imagination - this is an excellent training for imagination and creative abilities.

• From 6 to 12 years

Children are able to conduct an internal monologue at the age of 6-7 years, where they modify their thoughts and come up with new details. This is the age when they finely feel the line: what can be said, what is better to remain silent about, and what things can be conveyed differently. “How can I stop my mother from swearing? - the child thinks. “What will help you earn praise?” School-age children begin to lie more and more often, and their deception is becoming increasingly difficult to recognize. Sometimes they persuade their friends and even adults to participate in their lies, consciously or unconsciously.

A schoolchild of 8-11 years old already understands what is fiction and what is reality; he easily maneuvers between truth and lies, conducting unique experiments that show his ability to deceive. If a child lies constantly, then this is a sign of serious problems.

About the reasons for children's lies and ways to solve this problem, watch the video clip from an expert on our portal:

child psychologist
non-medical psychotherapist

What to do if a child is lying?

How should parents react to a little person’s lies: punish him, turn a deaf ear, or laugh at his words? We offer some professional advice from specialists:

• Trust: any relationship, and especially between parents and children, is unthinkable without trust. Parents must adhere to the presumption of innocence, i.e. the child is not initially guilty. Don’t immediately criticize his statement, listen first.
• Laugh together: a little lie may well be met with humor - this method is great for kids who are just beginning to practice deception, realizing a little that reality and fiction are different things. A playful form of reaction will help smooth out an unpleasant lie. For example, little 5-year-old Tanya said that she had already brushed her teeth and put the toothpaste and brush on the shelf, and her mother saw that all this had been thrown into the sink. “How did our toothpaste and brush fly into the sink? It’s no different that they grew wings!” Mom’s funny remark will be an incentive for Tanya to go and put everything back in its place.
• Assess the consequences: a child who is just starting to lie deserves to be explained to him in a clear and accessible form about the dangers of lying. This should be done in private, so as not to traumatize the baby’s psyche with humiliation. In a conversation, mention that every action or word has its own result, response, and that this result may not always be positive. This method will help the child understand the connection between the present and the future, and will wean him from deceiving.

The punishment is proportionate to the offense

If you ask a 5-9 year old child what will happen if you tell a lie, then in most cases you will hear the answer that he will be punished - the main deterrent at this age. The kid does not yet realize the consequences of his lies (friends will stop believing, problems will begin at school). If the lie was serious, then the child should certainly be punished. By supporting our words with actions, we will help the preschooler establish cause-and-effect relationships. If we explained before that every action or word will have its consequences, but we ourselves did not show the necessary firmness in this matter, then the child will understand that everything can be done, because there are no consequences. Punishment should be commensurate with the depth of guilt. As punishment, you can choose to deprive yourself of pleasures or entertainment, but you should not cancel moments that are important for children’s health and development.

Don't be dramatic

A lie told is not something supernatural. Every person has “tasted” a lie at least once in his life. A pathological tendency to lie, which should be sorted out and “treated” by adults, always has other additional manifestations nearby. An excited child does not have as his goal profit or the desire to avoid punishment - often such children run away from home or are the instigators of conflicts at school.

Be honest

Often parents, without noticing it themselves, teach their child to lie when they contradict each other on certain issues. Lies and deception included in everyday life will be the main scheme for building relationships with other people. How to stop a child from lying (we recommend reading:)? The main rule for parents is to never lie to yourself, because you are a role model. Encourage your child for telling the truth, especially if it was not so easy to do. Be sensitive and attentive, discuss more often what is good and what is bad. Analyze possible solutions to the problem. Honesty and kindness are the key to strong relationships between generations.

Clinical and perinatal psychologist, graduated from the Moscow Institute of Perinatal Psychology and Reproductive Psychology and Volgograd State Medical University with a degree in clinical psychology