The husband lives his life yelling there is no trust. What to do if there is no trust. Past - present

Hello, dear friends!

Not only psychologists, but also married couples are convinced: trust is the key to happiness in a relationship! But if you systematically expect a trick or a knife in the back, then you are guaranteed a nervous breakdown or stress! Trust is a very fragile thing, which is much more valuable than a crystal vase that can be glued together.

One careless step undermines a bridge that took years to build. And then we run in tears to our friends and psychologists shouting: “Help, I don’t believe him!” What to do in this case? How to learn to trust your husband again?

Reasons for mistrust

If you can't trust your crush, there's a reason for it. There are several provocateurs that aggravate the situation. It is especially difficult to change your approach to a problem when the previous relationship experience was negative. Under what circumstances is it extremely difficult to trust your loved one?

Past - present

Being disappointed in a person once can result in serious mental trauma for the remaining years. Have you already been married and it broke up after he cheated? Did you have to expose the “double game”?

Negative experiences can destroy the present and completely occupy consciousness. The female inner “I” does not calm down even at the moment when the spouse demonstrates exemplary behavior and devotion! On this basis, many conflicts are born, the main cause of which is the woman’s mental trauma.

“I’m not vindictive, I just have a good memory!”

A common reason for mistrust is hidden behind banal memory. For example, a husband stumbled and, humiliating his dignity, cheated on his chosen one. Time passed, the situation was experienced and forgiven. But the opportunity to forget what happened does not yet exist, which means subconsciously you will wait for a relapse.

Low self-esteem

Most often, the problem surfaces during maternity leave. The woman devotes all her free time to the baby and solving everyday issues. A couple of extra kilos appear, hair roots have grown and a tired look appears. The husband continues to lead his usual lifestyle and, going to a work corporate party in all his glory, provokes several reasons for mistrust in himself. Complexes, fears and worries lead to conflicts.

Lack of self-confidence

How can you trust your husband if you can’t trust yourself? Are you reluctant to flirt with your neighbor or colleague? Chatting with your ex and looking for an excuse to have a cup of coffee with him? Why? Firstly, this is a way to increase self-esteem, and secondly, maybe you are counting on continuing the relationship or changing your partner?

The woman does not exclude a similar scenario for the development of the plot from her partner. Who does he have lunch with at work and why does his neighbor smile so sweetly at him? This is not a complete list of reasons for mistrust. How to get rid of them by learning to believe in your loved one with all your soul and heart? What do the psychologist’s advice “say” in this case?

Recovery process

Internal state of a woman

Women's suspicion is fraught with unpleasant, and most often, undeserved accusations. Psychologists characterize such conditions as a sign of an anxious personality. In this case, a person sees the world through the prism of personal fears and worst dreams! He imagines betrayal, provocations and treachery. , having stopped beating yourself up?

Be friendly;
separate fiction from reality;
trust only facts, not false beliefs;
do not share family problems with friends or parents, otherwise you risk being “screwed up” from the outside;
if in doubt, ask! An honest answer is better than fantasy;
exclude accusations of treason without evidence (especially the humorous form);
just trust and don’t check your phone;
show care and respect, not bitchiness and conflict;
Talk heart to heart about feelings more often.

Thorough Analysis

You can show distrust of your husband in various ways, but finding the root of the problem is much more important than eliminating the symptom. Do you not believe in your chosen one because you are convinced of his failure?

In this example, fact means that you want to appear better by demonstrating superiority. Think about why you need this? If, nevertheless, we are talking about the fear of betrayal, expressed in nervous jealousy, determine the chain of thoughts. What is the meaning behind the phrase “I am afraid that he will cheat on me!”?:

fear of being left alone and raising children;
worrying about feeling the pain again;
reluctance to face betrayal, etc.

Think about what will happen if this happens? When you reach the final ring of experiences and open it, the real cause of mistrust may be low self-esteem, fear of loneliness or personal insecurity.

If you cannot cheat, end the relationship, especially if there are children in the family. They don’t need to hear systematic proceedings and attempts to “glue the vase together”;
stay busy, then you will have no time to think about your husband’s potential betrayal (work, gym, hobby);
raise your self-esteem! Take out the dusty awards and diplomas and hang them in a visible place. Place stickers around the apartment with the inscriptions “I am a happy wife”, “successful person”, etc.;

conduct relaxation sessions (bath with herbs, beauty treatments) - everything that makes you feel beautiful;
stop nagging your husband and blaming him for universal cataclysms. This will not end well, but it will noticeably decrease;
Live life to the fullest without dwelling on potential dangers! Go to meetings with friends, to theaters and cinema. No matter how many years you have been married, strive to be an interesting conversationalist, a caring wife and a realist! Leave your imagination for the TV series!

That's it!

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Do you know what one of the reasons for male infidelity is? Lies? Betrayal? Of course, you can talk for a long time about the fact that there are no normal men, look for the guilty and feel sorry for the victims. But in fact, very often in my practice I come across the fact that the reason for such situations in family life is distrust of the husband.

After my patients hear such a “verdict,” a lot of objections and denial begin. Like, I trusted him, I wasn’t jealous of every skirt, I didn’t mess with my phone, but he still cheated, the bastard. And my theory looks erroneous and absurd in their eyes. But when we start to analyze the situation, it turns out that they:

- They work in hard and unloved work only so that if something happens (!) they are left with a means of subsistence;

— They save money secretly from their husband “just in case” (you never know how things will turn out);

- They have “backup options” - fans who would like to be in the place of their husbands;

— They don’t let husbands go to the bathhouse/fishing/bar with friends.

But many of these women have been married for more than ten years and are raising several children together. And they didn’t even ask themselves before how to learn to trust their husband, because they sincerely believed that they already trusted him!

How can you understand that you don’t trust your husband? There are several distinctive characteristics of distrust. So you don't trust if:

— Do you think that you and your husband are unlucky, that there are better options somewhere;

- You admit the idea that your marriage is not durable;

— Do you want to provide yourself with financial protection or insurance in case of divorce;

- You admit the idea that your husband may have a mistress;

“You don’t want to let your husband go anywhere, you think that he should be “under supervision.”

“You don’t allow him to make decisions, you contradict him in everything and argue with him.”

If you want to understand how to learn to trust your husband, then, first of all, you must realize that trust is not only associated with jealousy, as is commonly believed. It's something more. Trust in everything. Through life. After all, it very often happens that a husband goes “to the left” only because his wife did not believe in him, for example, as an entrepreneur. I thought that nothing would work out for him. She didn’t believe it, which means she didn’t trust it. It is the same. Or she constantly reproached him, criticized and condemned him. And he could not stand such an attitude towards himself. Such distrust and non-acceptance of him as a person. Therefore, in order to begin to truly trust your husband, you need to:

- Accept him as he is. With all its shortcomings;

- Be grateful to God and fate for such a husband;

- Learn to respect your husband for the good that he certainly has;

- Forgive your husband for his actions that once offended you;

— Develop your feminine nature, reveal your femininity.

Additionally, if you are wondering how to learn to trust your husband, it is important to forgive not only him, but all the significant men in your life, starting with your father. Since grievances against other men do not allow your heart to open up, they block the trust that would be the key to your family happiness.

For example, you grew up in a family where your father constantly cheated on his wife, that is, your mother. Naturally, a program was launched in your subconscious that, since you have not seen anything else. And the fact that you attracted a husband who also cheated on you is just a consequence of this program. It makes no sense to be offended by him for this, or even worse - to get a divorce. Since the next applicant will continue to implement this generic program. You need to work with yourself, not with him. With your ideas about men, with your grievances against your dad. Claims. Accusations.

If your husband cheats on you, you are definitely learning a lesson in your life. What a lesson - you should understand. Acceptance, trust, respect. There are several options, but they all boil down to one thing - working on yourself. All you have to do in order to learn to trust your husband is to forgive him, forgive all men and accept your husband for who he is. See him as a hero, a knight, a protector. The person you once fell in love with and said, “I do.”

In general, the situation is like this... I never had a desire to get into my husband’s phone, but then the night before yesterday, I was just drawn to him like a magnet and I climbed in to look at his text messages! phone, and there’s a message from Smirnova (by the way, her husband is a sales representative, Smirnova is a saleswoman at the store he works with) “Are you sleeping?” she asks him... my husband was sleeping, I didn’t answer right away, but looked at the rest of the SMS... I found several SMS with the following content: “I’ve been calling you for 2 days now. Why don’t you answer”, “Don’t you love your family?”, “I don’t I believe in your love”... I stand in shock... I told her that I was not sleeping and asked what she wanted? She writes “do you really have feelings for me or are you just for sex?” I’m trying to find out if they had sex, I ask “do you like sex with me?”, she: “do you want?”... again not understanding whether there was anything, I write “yes, I want more”, and she “drank a lot “(my husband was drinking at work that day in honor of the director). In general, I didn’t write anything more to her and went to my husband. He didn’t really explain anything to me, he said that he had never cheated and didn’t know why she was writing to him. He shouted at me that I shouldn’t have taken the phone and that I took it out! I took her number and called her, it was already 12 at night, she didn’t answer. My husband and I spent the night in different rooms. He was on the sofa, and I was on the bed with the child. I call her in the morning... she understood who I am and said, “Oh, I understand you, don’t think that I’m interfering, so I tell Dima to live with his family, that you have a small child and you should be together.” I’m confused, I say: but we already live together. She: yes? and Dima told me that you went to your parents. That he doesn’t see you and your daughter, and only his parents visit you. I’m shocked, I ask about the SMS, she says, well, yes, he wrote to me yesterday that he loves him, but maybe he drank, so we have friendly relations. In general, from a conversation with her, I realized that he tells her everything about us. Then my husband calls me, I ask why did you tell her that we live separately, and he “so what? I work from 9 to 9, and after work I go not home, but to my mother-in-law. To pick you and your daughter up, you’re not at home.” sits. (By the way, I stay at home until the evening, and at 5 o’clock I go to visit my mother, and my husband then picks us up at 9.) We had a very strong fight, he swore that they were just friends and they had nothing... he said that he was a fool, that he himself knows that he is to blame, that he doesn’t know why he told her that we are not together, that he didn’t tell her that he loves... I forgave, I believed that he didn’t cheat, he promised not to communicate with her (only at work), he said that he loves us... But my trust is forever lost, resentment gnaws at me, I’ve been crying for the second day and can’t believe that he betrayed us like that...

Valeria Protasova

Reading time: 4 minutes

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What is the relationship between the two based on? The “three pillars” of a happy family life are mutual feelings, complete understanding and, of course, trust. Moreover, the last “whale” is the most solid and important. Trust is easy to lose, but, alas, it is extremely difficult to gain. What to do if trust in the family is lost? How to restore it?

The most common reasons for loss of trust in a family

A relationship without trust is always torture for both. And I don’t want to lose my dear half (after all, we’ve gone through and experienced so much together!), and... there’s no more strength to pretend that everything is fine. Running away is always easier, but it’s still worth at least trying to restore trust in the relationship. The main thing is to identify the causes of the “disease” and correctly prescribe the “treatment”. The main reasons for loss of trust:

Treason. It cuts down trust at the roots - immediately and, as a rule, irrevocably. Even if both pretend that nothing happened, sooner or later this painful memory box will still open. Not to mention that one half will constantly doubt the other - is it really at work, or maybe again somewhere with someone, or maybe not from work, that they call him (her) in the evenings?
Jealousy. Green monster, destroyer of any relationship. And the main indicator is that it’s time to change something in the family. Jealousy is a 100% indicator that there is no trust in your partner. Jealousy, like a worm, gnaws out a feeling from within to the very foundation, if you don’t stop in time and think about it - is there any point in being jealous? And who gets better from this?
Lie. Big, small, in understatements or hidden facts, insignificant and frequent, or rare and monstrous. A lie undermines trust on the second try (the first is usually forgiven and swallowed).
Inconsistency between words and actions. Even the warmest words about love cease to matter if your actions show indifference and neglect of your partner. If such behavior is not a temporary crisis period with certain reasons, but true indifference, then sooner or later trust, and after it the relationship, will come to an end.
The lack of trust is still in the candy-bouquet period. That is, an illusion of trust at the initial stage, but in reality it is either a fateful meeting of two chronic “goulins”, or a feeling that has not been reborn into true love.
Unjustified expectations. When they promise the moon from the sky and “your whole life in your hands,” but in fact they live like neighbors in a dorm.

It is extremely difficult to regain trust in a relationship. But if you really want to and have patience, you can give the relationship a second life.

The main mistakes when trying to restore trust in a family - don’t make them!

Attempts to regain the trust of a partner are different for everyone - depending on the situation and the strength of the feeling (if it remains). The main thing here is to carefully analyze what happened:

What could undermine your partner's trust in you?
Do you still have the same feelings for him?
Are you afraid of losing your soul mate or can you cope without her?
Are you ready to conquer it again?
What has changed in you from the moment when your partner trusted you completely and completely?
How exactly do you understand the word “trust”?

If you realize that you can’t do without your partner and are ready to start from scratch, avoid the most common mistakes:

Don't blame your partner for losing trust. Trust – it requires the participation of two. And the blame, accordingly, falls equally on both.
Any accusations are a road to nowhere. It is impossible to regain trust by throwing reproaches. Start creating, and don’t continue the path of family destruction.
Don't try to buy your partner's trust. No amount of gifts or travel can cover up the feeling that a “black hole” has formed in your family (in this case, we are not talking about relationships of convenience).
Don't be obsessive in your quest to "atone." If you cheated on your partner, and now you circle around him like a bee, bring coffee to bed and bake kulebyak every evening, looking ingratiatingly into the eyes “Have you already forgiven me or still have coffee with kulebyak?”, it is unlikely that they will reciprocate your feelings. In the best case, your royal-looking partner will graciously accept your “gifts.” But after that there will still be a climax with a showdown. They simply won’t believe in the sincerity of your concern after you’ve run away for a long time, slamming the door, grinding your teeth, or defiantly going to spend the night with your mother. Insincerity at such a moment will be especially acutely felt.
Enough words! Swearing and beating yourself in the chest with your heel “yes, without you…” is pointless. If they don't trust you, they won't believe you.
Don't be humiliated. Crawling on your knees and begging for forgiveness also makes no sense. You will fall even further in your partner's eyes.
Don’t even think about asking friends and relatives to have a “heart-to-heart talk” with your partner. The partner's pride will not stand it. Everything that happens in the family should stay in the family.
It is strictly forbidden to use children for these purposes. Manipulate your partner using the “think about the children!” method. or persuading children to influence their dad - this is the worst option.

10 surest ways to regain trust in the family - how to restore relationships?

Where to begin? What to do? What steps should you take to ensure that your partner looks at you with loving eyes again? After analyzing the situation, feeling sorry for ourselves and taking into account all possible mistakes, we remember what experts say in such a situation:

Admit you are wrong (guilt) if you are wrong. There is no point in proving that you were honest if you actually lied. This will only worsen the conflict.
Talk to your significant other about what happened. Sincerely, honestly. Find a moment when your partner will be able to listen and hear you.
The reason for the mistrust is his jealousy? Eliminate from your life everything that could provoke new suspicions of your partner - coordinates, meetings, even thoughts about the object of which you are jealous. Is jealousy groundless? Convey to your partner that there is no reason for her. And change your life. Perhaps you yourself are giving your partner reasons to be jealous of you - too bright makeup, too short skirts, working late, strange calls home, a password-protected computer, etc. If you have nothing to hide, be open in everything. If you value your partner’s trust, you don’t need to dress for work like you would for a Miss World competition. Of course, there are also jealous people for whom the reason is even a smile from a salesperson sent to you casually in a store. But this is “from a different story”, and a completely different topic.
Don't try to return everything to the way it was immediately after the conflict. Give your partner time to come to his senses, think and analyze the situation.
The reason for the loss of trust is the established fact of your betrayal? Whatever you do will depend on whether he has the strength to forgive you. Do not humiliate yourself, do not beg, do not tell details and do not throw hysterics in the spirit of “you paid little attention to me” or “I was drunk, forgive me, fool.” Just admit your guilt, calmly say that this happened because of your great stupidity, and explain to your partner that you do not want to lose him, but you will accept any of his decisions. If he decided to leave you, you still won’t keep him. Therefore, any tricks, pleas and humiliations will not be in your favor.
Without ingratiating or imposing, without remembering the reasons for the conflict, without being picturesque, sincerely start living from scratch, as if you had just met today. Your partner will either be forced to restructure, dot the i's and support you, or (if he has already internally made a decision for himself that he can no longer trust you) he will leave.
Having embarked on the difficult path of restoring trust, do not drag your relatives into this process. They will be redundant. Everything should be decided only between you.
If your partner is able to talk to you and even meets you halfway, offer him a trip together. You will have the opportunity to calmly discuss all your problems, and there will be a chance to “open a second wind” for your feelings.
Prove to your partner that you are ready to fight for your love - you are ready to compromise, make concessions, are ready to resolve issues without hysterics “like a human being”, that you are ready to listen and hear your partner.
Has your partner forgiven you? Never go back to the past. Build the future on absolute openness, mutual support and understanding.

And remember that no one will give you a second chance.

Very often you can hear about how wives suspect their husbands of all mortal sins. Of course, being on guard seems to be safer, but for some reason many of us are increasingly wondering how to learn to trust our husbands. And we should only rejoice at this, since the problem of trust in a relationship is one of the most significant in communicating with a partner. We will try to find out why it disappears and what can be done about it.

Relationships without trust

What is your idea of an ideal relationship? If we put aside the very romantic pictures, they definitely include intimacy, which is based on trust. It is in pursuit of this state that we throw ourselves headlong into the whirlpool of love relationships, hoping to find our soul mate who will share the rest of our lives with us.

What is trust? According to psychologists, this is the subjective state of a person in a relationship with a partner, which is characterized by a readiness to transfer information, some rights and even things to another. You are ready to tell your loved one something secret and perform some special actions with him. Typically, trust depends on compliance with internal rules and unspoken agreements that exist between partners. Moreover, everyone can have their own. Without confidence in the decency and goodwill of another person, it simply cannot exist.

Trust allows you to relax in a relationship and open up to your partner. Without it, it is simply impossible to experience that true love that is described in many outstanding books. Now imagine a relationship without trust. They are associated with a constant feeling of anxiety and fear arising from the expectation of danger and betrayal. You need to be very attentive to your man in order to spot insincerity in his behavior in time. You cannot receive support from him because there is always doubt about the purpose of providing it.

In short, nothing but negatives. But why then are such relationships needed if there is no unity with a loved one? As a rule, in this case, a woman has a pronounced fear of being left alone. If we add to it the lack of positive experience of sincerity and intimacy in relationships, then it turns out that she prefers to be content with little rather than try to change anything. However, since you are reading this article, it is important for you to learn how to learn to trust your husband and break the vicious cycle.

Reasons for suspicion

Trust never goes away from a relationship just like that, although, unfortunately, in some cases it does not even appear. This is always associated with some internal reasons. Moreover, they can be located on both the male and female sides, and sometimes on the border between them.

Female suspicion

Lack of basic trust in the world
Psychologists have such a personality characteristic - it denotes how we see the reality around us. It may seem hostile to us, full of dangers, threats and anxiety. People in this case seem to be insidious and cynical deceivers who do everything only for themselves. The opposite pole is that the world appears to be fair and honest, and people are seen as kind and positive subjects.
Naturally, there are also intermediate states, which are still, to one degree or another, closer to a certain pole. According to psychoanalysts, the origins of such hostility and suspicion lie in human infancy. During the first year of life, the child satisfies all his needs through the mother, and if she responds to his signals in a timely manner, then he begins to perceive the world benevolently. But if she is cold and inattentive, then this forms the basis for future problems.
“Snigma into a cannon”
Another mechanism due to which we do not trust people is when we ourselves cannot boast of honesty in relationships. Human nature is such that we understand others only through the prism of our own personality. For example, you get angry when someone yells at you, and you naturally assume that someone else will feel the same way. In the case of deception, it works in much the same way: you see in the other signals about the same experiences that you are currently experiencing, and it seems to you that your partner is doing the same. The mechanism “if I cheat, then everyone does it, including my husband” is triggered.
Feeling of self-worth
Agree, it is very easy to suspect others of negative actions towards you if you yourself believe that you are worthless. Then it begins to seem that everyone wants to hurt you, because you are nothing. You still won’t protect yourself in any way, and in general you are not worthy of a good attitude and the right actions. And with each new “kick” you become more and more convinced of this. In addition, there is a possibility that thanks to this quality you surround yourself with people who are able to confirm the correctness of your picture of the world through their negative actions. This is how it works, a vicious circle.
Disrespect for husband
For this reason, many marriages break up, especially in Russia. Have you seen how a typical Russian woman behaves? She always nags her husband in her nasty voice, constantly telling him what he is doing wrong and how it should really be done. Behind all this is a subconscious desire to humiliate a man, proving to him that he is nothing without a stick. A direct consequence of this desire is the belief that the husband still does everything through one place and is capable of “screwing up” in any matter. Although sometimes there is a paradoxically opposite situation, when a woman considers her man to be such a nonentity who still won’t go anywhere. And completely in vain. Such energy is contrary to nature and sooner or later kills everything good in a relationship.
Traumatic experience
It is very difficult to trust people if you have ever been deceived before. Our psyche is structured in such a way that it transfers experience from the past to the future so that we can bring at least some clarity and predict something. Another thing is that because of this basic feature, you risk being left without a positive outlook on relationships if men have already behaved badly with you. It is worth understanding that not all people are the same, especially if you married a completely different person, unlike the one who once deceived you. And sometimes, with your paranoia, you yourself create the prerequisites for a man to behave the way you “expect” him.

So, very often a woman on her own cannot understand how to learn to trust her husband. In this she is hampered by personal characteristics and other problems on her part. However, you cannot blame everything entirely on one of the partners. It often happens that a man provokes suspicion in his girlfriend. How and why does he do this?

Male behavior

Closedness
Some people are secretive by nature. They do not need a lot of communication, they do not like noisy companies and do not strive to share intimate fragments of their inner world even with the closest people. Sometimes it may seem that they don’t need anyone at all - they already have a great time alone. However, this impression is deceptive.
Every person needs another in order to be together, sharing the important experiences of life. And it is much more difficult for closed people to find such a partner. Their character does not stem from a desire to hide something from you. They distance themselves due to the peculiarities of the nervous system, “thanks to” which they are very quickly overcome by fatigue from contact with others. But being around such a “mysterious” person is certainly not easy.
Personal space
Some men have a heightened sense of their own boundaries, and any intrusion into them is perceived with aggression. Of course, because someone is encroaching on their territory, and it urgently needs to be defended! You will probably have a hard time, because you need to adapt to such features. Most likely, your spouse has his own place in the apartment, and maybe more than one, in which it is better to leave him alone.
He is sensitive to both your attempts to get into his phone or profile on social networks, and simply distracting him from the things he is doing. Perhaps he encloses his space even in bed and is wary of being touched. If all this is true, then we advise you to accept your husband for who he is. All these boundaries are not due to the fact that he has something to hide, but from heightened attention to his territory, and this is simply such a personality trait.
Provocative behavior
Your husband behaves very cruelly at times: he doesn’t pick up the phone, doesn’t say where he went, sweetly “chirps” with some young lady, etc. ... At the same time, when you talk to him about it normally, he admits that he was wrong. This happens especially often when you try to find out better what he does or make complaints to him. This all seems like a strange provocation towards you. He seems to be a nervous teenager who is forbidden something, and he begins to behave even more aggressively. Of course, this is very unpleasant, but it is necessary to understand what is behind such a line of behavior. Perhaps he wants to teach you a lesson or take revenge on you for something. But it’s quite difficult to trust him after that.
Strange values
There is a whole category of men with very vague ideas about what is good and what is bad. They may well explain to you why in some cases treason, murder or theft are completely justified. This is all due to the rather strange values that underlie the worldview of such subjects. They have wide boundaries, and their list of acceptable actions may include a much larger number than a person with traditional morality. For example, it may be considered that sex without feelings is not cheating. Agree, it is not easy to live with such a person. Another thing is that the blurring of values is difficult to hide, and if a woman marries such a man, it means she accepts his views.
Stinginess in expressing feelings
Emotions are a marker of everything that happens to a person. If you feel something, it means you are alive, and the other person also feels it in contact with you. But when there are few emotions or a person shows them sparingly, then there is a feeling that he is insincere or is hiding something. This is due to the fact that you do not understand what is happening, it remains a mystery to you. And where there is uncertainty, there is always anxiety and suspicion. Our brain is designed in such a way that it prefers to fill the void with its fantasies. The same thing happens in relationships with your husband. If he shows you little of his feelings, then you begin to worry that he does not love you. And when some controversial situation arises (for example, he doesn’t pick up the phone), your most unpleasant fantasies come out.

Of course, we are not talking about situations where your partner shows outright disrespect towards you. It is quite natural that you do not trust a person who constantly goes out somewhere, abuses alcohol and has been caught in lies more than once. But in this case, asking yourself how to regain trust is absolutely pointless. You should think about how to end a painful relationship, but that's another story.

Lie theory

In order to understand how to trust a man, you need to understand how and why people lie. Of course, this question may seem stupid to some, because it’s a no brainer where lies come from. But in reality it's not that simple, and we'll try to figure it out before we decide what to do about it.

Naturally, people deceive each other in order to satisfy some of their desires. A very common situation is when a person lies in order to appear better than he really is. The desire is strange, but not for someone who is familiar with psychology. One of the basic human needs is the need for status and respect from society. It must be satisfied along with thirst, hunger and the desire to be safe.

But if a person does not feel sufficiently accomplished, if he does not feel respect from others, then he can begin to lie. This is especially true for men who have greater self-esteem than women. For example, a story about an independently concluded lucrative contract for a company in reality may turn out to be a simple transaction in which your man took part. And how can you trust them after this?!

Well, a classic example of how people lie to get their own way is a man courting a woman just to sleep with her. He is ready to do everything, shower himself with unimaginable compliments and perform actions of incredible beauty, but his goal is very mundane. Naturally, no one will directly tell a girl: “I just want to sleep with you.” After this, the annoying subject will most likely be sent to hell. But if you deceive beautifully, then the probability of success becomes much higher.

But this is not the worst thing. It’s much worse if your husband deceives you because it’s just more convenient for him. A classic example is the insidious cheater. He lies to his wife, telling tales about superficial and platonic interactions with other girls. Naturally, it is convenient for him when his house is full, and everyone around him considers him a good family man. But he also deceives his mistress by exaggerating stories about his vixen wife. He comes up with all sorts of reasons why he cannot get a divorce, although his heart languishes from “doomed” love. Thus, based only on considerations of his own convenience, such a man is capable of doing everything just to “fool” two women.

This partly echoes the moment when a man lies to you to avoid responsibility. It sounds paradoxical, but until you find out about everything, deception does not seem to exist. And to be precise, he simply does not face responsibility for it. And he continues to lie in order to hide this whole bunch of lies, which have a lot of internal connections.

So, there are a great many reasons for lying. But how can you tell if your husband is cheating on you? In general, of course, this is difficult to believe in principle: how can a loved one and a loved one tell lies and do unpleasant things? But, unfortunately, this happens. And you need to know the signs of lying in order to learn to separate reality from fiction. There are a number of purely technical points that you can rely on when analyzing what is happening:

The man talks a lot
Or uses many more words than are necessary in a particular situation. All this looks like some kind of wall, the main purpose of which is to cover up lies. Subconsciously, the idea is spinning in my head: “The more I say, the more truthful the story will seem.” And if you add details, then everything will be great. Only this is not true and, as a rule, is a sign of lying.
Careful choice of words
When you lie, you need to keep several threads of the conversation in mind at once in order not to get confused and not “reveal your cards”: the past - so that everything fits, the present - so that you continue to “create” history, and the future - so that based on all this guess what you will say next. In short, it requires enormous brain resources, which makes the liar very tired. Pauses in conversation also indicate this.
Conversation pace
With the exception of rare cases of skillful lying, the deceiving person noticeably changes the speed of conversation. Speech may become slow due to the reasons described above - a person thinks for a long time about what to say. Or it can become quite fast when the subject, firstly, is worried and cannot hide it, and, secondly, by pouring large amounts of information on you at an accelerated pace, he subconsciously hopes to confuse you and reduce your concentration. Then the likelihood of being caught becomes lower. By the way, the intonation of the liar also changes - usually the voice becomes higher. This is a psychophysiological reaction.
Speech is often exculpatory
When a person lies, he initially has a subconscious feeling of guilt towards you. And by telling his stories, he seems to be trying to justify himself. There are a lot of constructions and words in speech that show the speaker in a positive light.

Surely, when wondering how to learn to trust your partner, you are especially interested in the aspect of his relationship with the opposite sex. How does a cheating man behave? He becomes very picky towards his wife, because he believes that it is she who is to blame for everything, because she provokes him to such acts. Accordingly, scandals and quarrels become more frequent, after which he is thrown into the opposite hypostasis - he somehow especially zealously tries to compensate for his guilt.

In general, intermittency and sudden changes in mood and behavior are an alarming signal. As a rule, all kinds of sprees, drinking and other actions associated with self-destruction are added to it. And finally, the surest sign is the voice of your intuition. A woman almost always feels when a man has someone else, even if the whole world is trying to dissuade her of this. So, first of all, you should believe in yourself.

What to do?

So, you have analyzed your relationship and realized that you have no objective reasons for mistrust. Accordingly, in order to improve communication, it is necessary to return openness and sincerity to it. What do you need to do for this?

Find and neutralize your own neuroses
Problems with trust, as we have already written, are usually associated with distortions in personal development. Which, in turn, can arise due to a bad climate in the parental family, a departed father, emotional coldness in relationships with the mother, etc. ... It is very difficult to do this on your own, so we would recommend that you consult a psychologist. It will be necessary to trace and see the connection between the events of past years and your problems now.
See how your mistrust weakens your relationship
In general, suspicion is a trait of a healthy psyche, designed to protect it from possible danger. But if you're constantly fighting an imaginary threat, it's draining for both you and your husband. He does not feel your support, care and love. It seems to him that you consider him weak or bad, which is why you move further and further away from each other. Your shortcomings become more and more apparent. Therefore, you should see and realize how bad it is to be overly suspicious - then it will be easier to say goodbye to this quality.
Analyze what you are afraid of
There are different ways to not trust a man. For example, you deny the possibility that your husband will achieve serious success for a variety of reasons. In this situation, you subconsciously strive to become higher by humiliating him. Think about why you need this and where its roots come from. If we talk about jealousy, then follow the chain from “I’m afraid that my husband will cheat on me” to the meaning behind these words. What will happen then? You will feel pain. Where will it come from? From the feeling of betrayal. What is betrayal? And so on. You will likely reach a point where low self-esteem and self-doubt will come to the surface.
Increasing self-esteem
So, the most jealous people are usually the most insecure people. This is due to the fact that your suspicion seems to be telling you: “You are not worthy of something beautiful. There are a lot of people around you who are better than you, and you will definitely be betrayed and deceived.” To get rid of this, learn to pay attention to positive feedback. When people give you compliments, accept them calmly, and most importantly, believe in them. Make mental notes in your head when you do something well. If you experience failure, try to look at the full range of possible reasons, rather than engaging solely in self-flagellation.
Eliminate negative irrational attitudes
You've probably been told since childhood: “You can't trust people.” Or: “As soon as you turn your back, you’ll immediately get a kick from behind.” Such ideas shape your worldview, and you simply no longer see what does not fit into their framework. Therefore they should be loosened. Take one such installation and check it for accuracy. Ask yourself, does this really happen 100% of the time? And when does it not happen? Give yourself a few examples from your life and in general, for example, from books. Why is this happening? It's probably worth adjusting the setup somehow. But as? And so on - until it turns into something sane and beneficial. Although in general any rigid frame is not good.
Start living life to the fullest
It is very easy to become suspicious when you have no interests at all. You completely lose yourself in your husband, and if he tries to take a break for even a little while, you worry. There is only one way out - to break the merger. To do this, learn to spend time without him: come up with a cool hobby, sign up for dancing, chat with your friends. There are a lot of options - the main thing is that you really learn to sometimes “unstick” from your partner and enjoy autonomy.

If you have been deceived...

“What should I do if I don’t trust my husband because he has already betrayed me once?” - you ask. Yes, this is a very complex and slippery topic. Trusting a man in this case is very, very difficult. But probably. First, you need to go through all the pain and suffering associated with his betrayal - excess jealousy and anxiety will burn out in them. They are the ones who begin to attack you after reconciliation and force you to take revenge.