“Keep your mouth shut” (phraseologism): meaning and use. How to learn to be silent more: practical advice You need to keep your mouth shut

Everyone knows that silence is golden, and it really has a special meaning in the life of any person. To remain silent at the right moment is sometimes much safer than to utter any words. In everyday situations, it is desirable to be able to determine in time not only when it is better not to say a word, but also when it would not be superfluous to speak out. But the main thing is to be able to remain silent when it is really necessary. How to do this? How to learn to be silent?

Why is silence necessary?

The need for silence is due to the current situation. Very often circumstances arise when it is better to remain silent than to speak. You should control your speech and avoid rash words when resolving serious issues related to your personal life, during business conversations, or when communicating with strangers or children. Man is a rational being and must remain so in most life episodes, otherwise the consequences can be extremely unpleasant. Silence has several advantages. It is capable of:

• create space for thought to work;
• free from idle talk and fussiness;
• sharpen your sensitivity to your inner and outer worlds;
• ensure awareness and meaningfulness of actions;
• provide an opportunity to absorb information from outside as fully as possible.

Manifestations of silence in everyday life

Silence has a special niche in our lives. There are a number of situations when the question of how to learn to remain silent is not raised, since this is not necessary. Silence is natural and obligatory in the following cases:

1. Rituals - special events or people deserve to be observed with a moment of silence.
2. Obligations are a peculiar version of monastic asceticism, considered worthy of special respect - a vow of silence.
3. Rights - the phrase “you have the right to remain silent” implies time for thoughtful speech.
4. Secrets - the ability to hide something and not give away other people's secrets has always been highly valued in any person.

Communication in society

Man is a social creature, and he cannot do without communication within this very society. Therefore, speaking out and speaking out is a natural psychological need. At the same time, a new understanding of the situation occurs, nervous tension is relieved, and the state of mind is alleviated. However, initially you should always understand whether you need the proposed dialogue at all. Is your information or your question useless? Maybe tell yourself: “Better be silent.” Whenever you have a dialogue, you should know with whom and what you can talk about. Do not turn communication into an empty and useless waste of words. When speaking, you need to focus on the interlocutor. You can express almost anything to someone, for example, a psychologist or a loved one who is able to understand you. But with most people it is better to limit yourself to the scheme:

• ask a question - get information;
• make an offer, request or demand - obtain consent or refusal;
• express a doubt, claim, opinion - receive an explanation.

Silence in the family

Family relationships are a very complex and subtle matter, and absolutely ambiguous. Silence in the family is not welcome; on the contrary, for mutual understanding you need to be able to talk, because omissions can lead to serious quarrels, misunderstandings, and conflicts. But sometimes there are situations when you should be silent like a fish. This is especially true for those cases when it is not the mind that dominates, but emotions, and a negative attitude towards one’s other half is expressed in the form of angry epithets and subsequently does not bring anything good. How to learn to remain silent when you want to express everything that has accumulated in your soul? Very often, this requires gathering all available will into a fist. Later, undoubtedly, you will be able to think more adequately and express your complaints by finding the right words for this.

Silence at work

A person who knows how to remain silent will always be valued at work much more than one who cannot keep his mouth shut. After all, this will mean that the employee knows how to listen to the interlocutor, show attention to him, and also maintain the confidentiality of any information received. How to learn to remain silent at work? Ways to maintain silence in a work team are identical to general methods of gaining internal balance and self-control. Just as in all other cases, in any society silence is a manifestation of dignity. In other cases - the ability to avoid confrontation of views in disputes, the ability to distance oneself from a situation when it is reasonable. However, you should always remember that constant silence can also be assessed negatively. Look for a middle ground.

Basic ways to remain silent

How to learn to be silent? Psychology is a science that was one of the first to develop this problem and look for solutions that can help the majority of people. In order to learn to remain silent at the right moment, use the following techniques:

Ways to remain silent in critical situations

How to learn to remain silent in such situations when emotions are in full swing and there is no opportunity to sit down and calmly meditate or retire, and words just rush out, and you are absolutely sure that you will regret them later?

1. Breath. When a critical situation arises in which emotions take over and you want to speak out, but this cannot be done, breathing exercises help many. Take a very deep breath and exhale for a long time. For many people, just breathing for a few minutes is enough. The brain will be oversaturated with oxygen, and the physical state will change.
2. Water. In order to remain silent, you can occupy your mouth with something else - drink water or eat something, chewing it well and not being distracted by extraneous irritants.
3. Physical exercise. If possible, physical activity can be a good way to distract from unnecessary words. Whatever is most difficult for you: squats, push-ups, presses. In other cases, you can simply run away from an unpleasant conversation in the literal sense of the word.
4. Painful sensations. Pain can distract you from almost everything in the world. Our body is so physiologically structured that in the presence of pain, it is distracted exclusively by them, everything else loses its significance. You can just pinch yourself. But modern psychologists have long come up with a more interesting method: a regular elastic band for tying banknotes is put on the wrist, and in emergency situations it is pulled back and released. In this case, you can adjust the amount of pain by pulling the elastic band to different lengths. By the way, this method is currently widespread and allows you not only to avoid unnecessary words in a specific situation, but also to prevent this from happening in the future, since the body produces unnecessary words and gets hurt.

When is the best time to speak?

A man came to Socrates and asked:

Do you know what your friend says about you?

Socrates replied:

Before you tell me this news, sift your words through 3 sieves. The first is the sieve of truth. Are you sure your information is true?

These are rumors.

The second sieve is the sieve of goodness. Will this news bring me good and pleasant things?

Not at all.

And the third sieve is the sieve of benefit. Will this news be useful to me?

Hardly.

Now judge for yourself: you want to tell me a message in which there is neither good nor truth and, on top of everything else, it is useless. Why say it then?

Hence the conclusion: before you say something, you should always think about why you need to do it.

The simple everyday way of exhaling and counting to 10 helps stop the initial desire, but in the future, what is unspoken can become a heavy burden and greatly spoil the cheerful mood. We counted to 10 and found 10 ways that will help you not just remain silent, but learn to be more restrained without harming yourself and others.

1. Developing pragmatism

Of course, it’s useful, otherwise we wouldn’t even feel the desire to react to what we don’t like. This is normal, because everyone is living people, but is this the benefit that we ultimately strive for? Hardly. In a moral fight, we injure both ourselves and those with whom we quarrel, and breaking is easier and faster than rebuilding. When the focus of attention is the main, and not the immediate benefit, it will not occur to you to blurt out something inappropriate. After all, politeness and tact are quickly restored when it suddenly becomes clear to us that a loved one may be disappointed, management may fine, and friends may be deprived of communication and mutual assistance.

2. Postpone the conversation

This method is very similar to the previous one, but it must be postponed for a much longer period. Especially when the conversation is serious and the decision you need to make will affect the rest of your life. An offer of a new job, the need to take sides in a conflict, a serious conversation with your husband. Don’t give in to the first impulse and don’t rush to dot all the i’s. Let your head cool and weigh the pros and cons, and only then make and voice a decision.

3. “Undress” the interlocutor

Mentally, we can give what we hear a completely different meaning - less valuable to us. In this sense, “undress” means removing the shell of importance from the aggressor, taking him off the pedestal and “dressing” him more simply. This method works well when you are tempted to respond to your tyrant boss about his stupidity, but you know that this will cost you your job. Imagine how funny he will look on the beach in blue swimming trunks with his belly hanging out. Is it possible to take such a person seriously and argue with him? Let him shake the air alone, and you enjoy the play of your own imagination.

4. Breathe deeper

Take a few deep breaths when you realize that the other person has already brought you to the boiling point, and you are ready to snap. Breathe before you scold your child for having an untidy room or before you tell your friend some new gossip. Deep breathing calms and oxygenates the brain, changing the physical state of the body. And this will help you calm down a little and think about everything again.

5. Changing places with a counterpart

This method will help in communicating with children when you just want to grab the prankster by the collar and give him a thrashing for his antics. Imagine that it was you, and not him, who just broke a flower pot and threw a stone at the neighbor’s window. Remember how your heart sank when parental anger was about to fall on your head. Perhaps, after a few minutes of reminiscing, you will want to find a different way of parenting than screaming and swearing.

6. Follow folk wisdom

“Bite your tongue”, “take some water in your mouth.” It is generally accepted that these expressions speak of silence in a figurative sense. Why not try to embody their direct meaning? Of course, it's a little strange to grab a glass of water every time. But you can quietly bite your own tongue. Our brain is designed in such a way that it instantly switches to physical pain, forgetting about all other irritants. Businessmen in negotiations sometimes use regular rubber bands. It is worn on the wrist and hidden under the cuffs. At moments when it is necessary to take a break and once again think about an important point, a person imperceptibly pulls on the elastic band, which digs unpleasantly into the skin. Thus, attention is switched to physical sensations and decisions are not made in a hurry.

7. Train endurance

Knowing that you have the sin of incontinence, work on eliminating it constantly. If someone stepped on your foot on the bus, scolded you in line, or was rude to you in the store, remain silent. Even if the temptation to put the insolent person in his place is too great, and a small outburst of aggression will not harm your reputation, under no circumstances give vent to your anger. By restraining yourself now, you will be able to restrain yourself when necessary. You will learn to control your emotions and your tongue so that it cannot spread into the enemy camp.

8. Talking to ourselves

In psychology, there is such a thing as affirmation - a phrase that contains a certain formula and helps to consolidate what is necessary in our subconscious. Remember how Irina Muravyova’s heroine repeated in front of the mirror about being the most charming and attractive? So this technique works for chatterboxes too. or in moments when you just want to express everything that has accumulated. For example, let it be: “I know how to stop in time, I can remain silent at the right moment” or “I can control my words.” Over time, this statement will work, and you will truly learn to control yourself.

9. Let's analyze it

As a rule, our behavior is quite predictable. We break down in very similar life situations. Analyze the unpleasant moments that you have already experienced and try to understand what exactly unbalances you. Perhaps this is the disdainful tone of your mother-in-law and everything that reminds you of it, or some kind of resentment that follows you from childhood. There must definitely be something common and similar in all cases. Well, when you already know the “enemy” by sight, dealing with him is much easier.

10. Use filters

Make it a habit to sift through everything you are about to say. Come up with at least three criteria that any message you send must meet. For example, secondly, you must be completely confident in their veracity and, thirdly, they are really necessary and will not turn out to be meaningless chatter. And only after the thought passes such a triple test, turn it into speech, otherwise it can be not only meaningless, but also harmful.

Leo Tolstoy said that “people learn how to speak, but the main science is how and when to remain silent.” And you need to start understanding this science as early as possible. No wonder Chinese wisdom says: “Don’t speak unless it changes the silence for the better.”

What to do if the inability to remain silent spoils the relationship in a couple? Our experts advise.

Many people ask how learn to be silent to be a pleasant conversationalist and absorb more knowledge from the conversation. Because those who talk a lot basically know and do little. Therefore, learning to remain silent is useful, since at the moment a person develops himself and learns more than someone who speaks a lot. But being silent all the time is also not nice and boring, so it’s worth keeping the conversation going.

In this article you will learn how you can learn to be silent what you need to do for this, what methods, tips and recommendations there are. The whole paradox is that the one who is silent strives to learn to communicate, and the one who talks a lot strives to learn to remain silent. But in any case, it is more useful to remain silent than to talk a lot.

Start thinking

Be alone

To learn to be silent , you need to retire and be alone for a while, or do work and be constantly busy with something. Our body quickly gets used to everything, and those who often sit at home, work seven days a week and do not communicate with people, as a rule, remain silent and this becomes his habit. But remember there should also be communication. Therefore, when you need to achieve a goal, go away and be alone to make a plan to achieve the goal and achieve it.

Be smarter

To learn to remain silent, you need to become a little more cunning and understand that silence is a sign that a person is thinking and catching the information he needs from an interlocutor who knows something, but does not know how to keep his mouth shut. Often it is enough to talk with one smart person to grasp the knowledge that you need to search for several years. Therefore, be a cunning person and then silence will be natural for you and you will be able to derive more benefit from it. find out : .

Don't be proud, selfish or overly confident

To learn to be silent, you need to start reacting correctly to criticism and opinions of others. When you are criticized, it is difficult to contain your emotions and not respond in response. Therefore, to learn to remain silent, you need to lower your pride, egoism and self-confidence a little so as not to give your energy to the one who criticizes you.

When aggression comes at you and there is an opportunity to remain silent and leave, do so. As a result, the one who criticized you is left with nothing, since he gave all his energy to you. If you respond back, you will give away his and your energy and remain an unhappy person.

Sometimes, in order to maintain the respect of others or to avoid getting into an awkward situation, you need to be able to remain silent. The ability to restrain yourself is very important, both in family relationships and in the work team. But how can you learn to remain silent if the words are simply rushing out of your mouth, and your speech is ahead of your common sense?

How to learn to be silent in practice?

Why is it so important to remain silent sometimes?

Talkative people are repulsive. They do not allow other interlocutors to get a word in, constantly interrupt, and speak without substance, thereby creating the impression of a “close-minded person.” The ability to remain silent is also very important when:

You do not have reliable information;

They don’t want to listen to you or believe you;

At this moment, someone else must speak;

The interlocutor is aggressive, inappropriate, drunk or under the influence of drugs;

In an argument, conflict is brewing;

The conversation concerns someone's personal life or secrets.

Very often, the inability to keep one's mouth shut leads to the fact that the talker gets a reputation as a gossip and idle talker. And the end result is that people simply stop communicating with him.

If you decide for yourself that I want to learn to remain silent, get ready to seriously work on your mistakes. The reasons for “verbal incontinence” may be hidden not only in empty-headedness and frivolity. Some people start talking uncontrollably when they are under stress, and this is a psychological problem.

1. Look inside yourself and try to understand why you talk so much. And in real life, try to apply some practical tips on how to learn to remain silent. If you are overwhelmed with emotion and the words are about to fall out of your mouth, try to calm down by taking a deep breath and exhaling long.

2. When you first want to engage in controversy, drink water or keep candy in your pocket. By occupying your mouth, you can be distracted and remain silent.

3. Literally walk away from the conversation by leaving the room.

4. Pinch yourself. The pain will help you stop, and over time, the pain symptom will lead to the development of a reflex that will associate unnecessary words with unpleasant physical sensations.

5. Learn the art of meditation. In conflict situations, this helps to avoid breakdowns and unnecessary words. If talkativeness is a result of stress, try to calm down or consult a specialist.

The ability to remain silent will help you preserve your good reputation, avoid being branded as a gossip, and protect yourself from unnecessary problems. In addition, silence can even work in your favor, because it is often said that smart people are laconic.

Perhaps he was recalling at the same time the years spent in the capital, in its splendor, in its “high society”, in which there is actually so little light and so much real darkness - little truth and a lot of false, flattering, insincere speeches. Perhaps situations came to his mind when his own words, uttered under the influence of certain circumstances and feelings, after some time turned out to be untrue, which could not but hurt his pure soul. Perhaps, at one time he happened to give someone not very successful advice, and subsequently he grieved about it... But all this related to his former life - a busy, multi-caring life filled with vanity, and certainly not, it seems, to that venerable life, which he spent in the desert.

Why did this “repentance for what was said” remain alive and strong for the ascetic? Why did he, the silent one, remind others of the danger that our own language conceals - to others and, equally with them, to himself? Or even, first of all, to yourself?

When we speak uncontrollably and randomly, it is very difficult for us to keep track of everything that has risen from somewhere from the depths of our heart onto the tongue, twirled around on it and even came out of it. In the evening we feel desolation, fatigue, some kind of vague heaviness in our souls and attribute all this to the impressions of the past day, to its circumstances - sometimes difficult, sometimes downright tempting. But we often don’t realize that to a large extent we owe this fatigue and emptiness to ourselves - to what and how we said, to how inattentive we were in relation to “what comes from our lips.”

It seems so natural to us, so familiar - to communicate, keep up a conversation, have a conversation... It seems to us something absolutely necessary, it seems to be an integral part of our life, being in community with other people. And, perhaps, that’s exactly how it is. But rarely, rarely does anyone realize that every time, before uttering this or that word, it is necessary to think at least a little, weigh it on the scales of your heart, understand whether what is said will be true or turn out to be a lie, whether it will bring someone happiness. whether it benefits or harms, whether it is good or evil. Most often we speak simply because we wanted to say something, obeying an internal impulse, without analyzing it, without evaluating it - primarily from the point of view of the Gospel.

“By your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matthew 12:37) - this warning often seems to us an allegory: what matters is words, deeds matter! But the Lord is not us. And if something is said by Him, then what is said is the truth.

What we say has a tremendous impact on us and shapes us in many ways.

There is a huge, intimate connection between what we say and ourselves. “It is not given to us to predict how our word will respond...” - not only in life, the fate of other people, but, above all, in our own. What we say has a tremendous impact on us and shapes us in many ways - in some secondary, but very effective way. And either we control our word, consciously and responsibly treating it, or it controls us.

What we say always, in one way or another, reveals some part of the content of our life, our heart, ourselves - including what is said “by chance,” casually, without reasoning or comprehension. It manifests, and then consolidates, cultivates this content in us, and woe to us if what is consolidated and cultivated is not the best that can be in a person. That is why this unity of what is spoken and a person’s life is formed, even if he is lying.

You can remember again: “God protects you as long as you keep your mouth.” That is, we are preserved as long as we are ready to create, as long as we are attentive to ourselves, while our inner work continues, and we are not preserved - when we begin to destroy our own inner being, we stop following what is born in the heart and then comes out of the mouth. Because God is close to those who fear Him, and far from Him are those who speak rashly, fearlessly and a lot.

Mouths are like the doors of a house: if they open often, then the heat leaves the house

It is unsafe to talk a lot, not only because it is difficult to maintain attention and therefore “by talking too much you cannot avoid sin” (Proverbs 10:19). The Monk Barsanuphius the Great explains to his disciple, who was later known throughout the Christian world as a teacher of ascetic life, at that time not yet an abba, but simply Dorotheus: “You talk so much only because you have not yet learned what harm it brings.” Which? In addition to the above explanation from the Holy Scriptures, the fathers give their own explanation, perhaps no less convincing: like the doors of a house: if they open often, then the heat leaves the house.

Warmth... This is the same warmth that pleases our heart and imparts to life a feeling of its authenticity, which we experience after praying well, being touched by our hearts while reading patristic books, or during worship, when what is sung and read especially deeply touches the soul. The one that we lose so quickly and don’t even notice - how and why. If only we had been more attentive, we would have noticed: we lose as soon as we begin to talk a lot and “carelessly”, and not only about vain and empty things, but also about things that are beneficial to the soul—just a lot. If we had been more attentive, we would have noticed a lot besides...

...It is very important to understand this huge internal connection, the connection between what is inside us and what comes outside. Understand how one affects the other. How much our word depends on our life and life on our word. Therefore, again, for every idle word, that is, superfluous, we will give an answer at the Judgment (see: Matt. 12: 36). If it was superfluous and unnecessary, then the superfluous and unnecessary grew and strengthened it in us, crowding out from our hearts what was vitally necessary, not leaving enough space for it. If, worse than that, it was evil, rotten, then it multiplied and established evil and rottenness in us. How can you learn to evaluate what you want to say before it breaks free?.. How to master the art of weighing words on the scales of your conscience?.. How difficult it is...

Only in silence is this wondrous ability born: to understand oneself, one’s thoughts and one’s words.

And how well did he understand this, who often regretted what he said and never repented of it! Because only in silence is this wondrous ability born: to understand oneself, one’s thoughts and one’s words. Paradoxical, but true.

And therefore - even more paradoxical: in order to learn to speak correctly, you must learn to remain silent.